Marriage and Your Communication Skills

Improving your Marriage Communication Skills

Even in the best situations, conflicts in relationships, family life, or work are inevitable. Unfortunately, the unskilled and negative ways we typically respond to conflict often causes even more stress, thus eroding relationships. This creates resentment within families and lessens personal and relational effectiveness. Here are some ways to improve your communication skills:
• Set an example—If you want your partner to open up more, set the example by sharing more of your own thoughts and feelings. Try sharing interesting things you’ve heard or read. Relate an experience that it happened during the day.
• Keep it light–Try talking about something else besides the problems. Make a decision not to bring up the hassles with work, kids, or finances, at least until later.
• Make “I” statements—Avoid starting a sentence with “you.” It sounds like an accusation or invitation to fight.
• Use the feeling words—Use good descriptors when describing what you’re feeling. It’s not fair to expect your partner to guess or figure out what you’re trying to say or feeling about an issue.
• Do something together—Experience has shown that people, particularly men, are more likely to share their feelings when they’re doing something together that both can enjoy.
• Listen… don’t talk— give the other person a chance to get his or her ideas and opinions across.
• Ask questions—guard against assuming you know what the other person meant by asking questions.
• Keep an open mind—don’t just listen for statements that back up your own opinions and support your beliefs. Be willing to listen to someone else’s point of view and ideas.
• Don’t jump to conclusions— don’t assume you have the gist of the conversation or think you know what the speaker’s going to say next. If you do not listen, you may miss the real point the speaker is trying to get across.
• Listen between the lines—remember a lot of clues to meaning come from the speaker’s tone of voice, facial expressions, non-verbals and gestures. Body language is usually an accurate indication of the speaker’s attitude or emotional state. Concentrate on what is not being set as well as what is being said.
• Provide feedback– Make eye contact with the speaker; nod your head when you understand the specific point or provide other feedback that shows you’re really listening.
• Summarize—when the person finishes speaking, repeat what the speaker has said in your own words to confirm that you understand. Summarize points of agreement or disagreement.

Hey, Meet Gabe!

True Story….Gabriel Hammond’s Birth

This is our true and heartfelt story of turning pain into passion. This is a true story of our beloved son, Gabriel Hammond.

It all started with the ultrasound at the local Mad River Community Hospital. The ultrasound revealed the possibility of Down syndrome. Gabe (our unborn son) had a one in three chance of having the condition. Did he or didn’t he? That question haunted us until Gabe’s birth.

My wife Joni was assigned a month’s bed rest and then gave birth to a mostly-healthy baby boy. Joni and Gabe were flown overnight to UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento, where Gabriel was to have surgery to correct an intestinal blockage. After the surgery, both mother and son were fine.

The two-dollar question was did Gabriel have Down syndrome?

Meeting with the doctor, she told us that yes, Gabe did have Down syndrome and that we had less than one year left in our marriage. Her point was that parents of special-needs kids have huge marital challenges. The doctor was not very delicate in the way she told us. What a great nugget to drop on a couple in such a vulnerable time!

No one prepares you for the disappointment, loss, fear, and many of life’s potentials forfeited when you learn that you have a baby who has Down syndrome. The feelings of new parents of kids with Down run from anger to depression to frustration to resignation. It is like the six phases of grieving. It feels a bit like a death within the context of birth in that it is a death of a vision. A parental hope and dream of what could have been most likely will not be now with this new twist of having a “special need”. It is a feeling, ultimately, of being lost in a world of unpredictability and not having a map of where you are going. This is truly “uncharted water”. That feeling of fear and sense of loss will be forever ingrained in my heart and mind. We knew nothing of Down syndrome or special-needs kids. To this point, we’d had six healthy children and had never met anyone with Down syndrome or any similar disability.

As we learned that our Gabriel had Down, we really had to dig deep and see if we could find the upside of Down syndrome. But, fear ruled the day.

Who is our boy? What will he be when he grows up? Can he play football? Will he go to college? Will he be “normal”? Will he get married? Will he have children? Will he have to undergo heart surgery?

These and other questions raced through our minds as we try set about discovering who it was we were dealing with and what his needs would be going forward. The initial sense of being lost without a compass or any bearings is truly an emotion to which words cannot do justice. When advised of our Gabriel’s condition, the well-meaning but blunt doctor told us that most special-needs parents divorce within the first few years. Well, she just added to our devastation.

On a subsequent trip back to UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento, California, years later, that sense of being lost is what I remembered the most. That sense of not knowing what to do, where to go, or who to turn to, other than God. We made the decision to learn to love and raise Gabriel and come to terms with what, or rather who, we were given.

How did we move forward? What were the metrics of measuring progress with Down Syndrome? What will Gabe’s needs be? How different will he be? How can we get help and resources? What about school?

The darkness, disbelief, and doubt that swirl around new parents, who discover their child has Down syndrome or any other life-altering disease, birth defect, or condition, are real and profoundly devastating. Not having a map or a compass to consult, not knowing which steps are needed is truly a frightening, debilitating process. Faith in God becomes paramount at the moment and going forward.

It’s a hard thing to realize and come to grips with the disappointment of a loss of a child diagnosed with something as long term and life-changing as Down syndrome. Down syndrome is not “cute” as some blithely observe. Kids with Down syndrome, while they are special, are still a challenge, especially for the parents upon first discovering their own child’s special needs.

The unknown twists and turns, trials, stress, surprises, fears, and heartbreak are all part of what it means to be a special needs parent.

The ensuing questions, heartbreak, prayer, and walks around the UC Davis campus, crying out to God, will always be etched in my memory. After days of genuine soul searching, I decided to dedicate Gabriel (and our raising him) to the Lord. Although he would never be a professional football hero or a brain surgeon, his life would be both personally fulfilling and enriching to those around him. We were ready to move on and raise our son no matter what!

The shame, embarrassment, and guilt that parents of children with special needs share is one of life’s dirty-little-secrets. Although not rational, logical, or reasonable, these feelings are very tangible.

The feelings of sadness and gloom often come at unexpected, strange times. Perception is reality. The pain is real. In addition to this we discovered Gabe had autism as well. This was a family shock to say the least. Now our son had a double challenge…so did we.

The times of reality hitting home when the Costco gawkers stared at us and our son Gabe only served to remind us of our frustration, pain, and anguish. Every so often, the reality check of Gabriel’s special needs of Down syndrome (and now, autism, as well) come crashing in on us. Gabe’s episodes of dysfunction or meltdowns pull us out of our times of denial, where we have to admit, acknowledge, and again decide to go forward as parents.

We have learned to be honest with our feelings and with each other. We’ve chosen to redeem benefits from all the pain as a couple and as a family to achieve love regardless of the “return on investment”. The lessons learned have to do with my deciding to have the right perspective, attitude, actions, and behaviors. The decision to love unconditionally is ours alone. This unconditional love, stemming from the decision to love Gabriel, has transferred some of my pain into a long-term perspective which is surprising, refreshing, and very interesting.

SPIRITUAL AUTHENTICITY

Walk Your Talk with Your Kids—Living with Spiritual Authenticity

Train a child in the way they should go….“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it”– Proverbs 22:6, King Solomon of Israel.

This is a great concept, promise, principle, and protocol for fathers. “Training up” has the idea of a parent graciously investing in a child whatever wisdom, love, nurturing, and discipline is needed for him to become fully committed to God. It presupposes parental emotional and spiritual maturity.

“In the way that he should go” is to do the training according to the unique personality, gifts, and aspirations of the child. The idea here is to, equip, resource, and be a catalyst for your child’s gifts, skills, and natural abilities. We must study our kids and know just what their strengths and weaknesses are.

The converse is to help the child avoid whatever natural tendencies she might have that would prevent total commitment to God. For example: a weak will, a lack of discipline, a susceptibility to depression, etc… Knowing where our kids are prone to weakness will help us to help them avoid the pitfalls of poor decision-making, lack of character, immaturity and more. This is as important as knowing their strengths and gifts and facilitating those.

The promise is that proper development with great parenting ensures the child will stay committed to God and love people… the two basics of the 10 Commandments. May we stay focused, diligent and intentional in this key role!
Tools of Effective Legacy: Grace. How Do We Use Our Authority?

When I talk about fathering, I think of how God the Father deals with me. And then I realize His kindness, patience, and love and see how short I fall as I deal with others.

God doesn’t always use a stick to beat us when we make mistakes, so why are we as fathers so quick to apply the stick of punishment to those around us, especially our kids? It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay to not like injustice, disobedience, immaturity, and some of the zany things kids do in their selfishness.

But what gives you and me the right when we are tired and frustrated to dole out law in the spirit of anger? Our Lord never modeled that type of authoritarianism. He did everything in love, including correction, chastisement, teaching, and encouragement.

You and I as men need to re-learn authority. We need to not get caught up in the disciplinarian model and playing the heavy, which is so common in our society. We need to learn the authority of Jesus, based in love, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control.

We need to re-learn the father heart of God, and how that applies to our leadership and authority over those for whom we have responsibility. We must be intentional and incremental in learning this model, as it will transform our parenting, and indeed, our lives. So, the next time you’re faced with someone’s shortcomings, or your own, for that matter, what’s going to be different?

Will it be grace or law? Which have you been given more of?

Grace versus law- means that we translate His heart to those around us in how we use our words, authority and actions. How can we successfully use godly authority in a way that shows His heart and love and kindness?
How do you personally dole out correction and discipline? Do the following mark your approach?
• Anger
• Frustration
• Stress
• Burnout
• Tiredness
• Cussing and swearing
• Yelling and raising your voice
• Withholding your favor in some way
• Silent treatment
• Launching out in anger
• Physical violence
• Verbal violence
How do these mirror the Father Heart of God (see Appendix B.), and how he’s treated you? Does God do any of the above as He has occasion to correct and admonish you? In your walk with God, has He ever treated you with anything but kindness, love in the heart of a father? The answer is God corrects and chastens us in great love and patience and kindness. His encouraging and teaching Spirit reminds me that the kindness of God leads me to repentance… every time.

We get caught up in stress and with our authority; we often default to become the great disciplinarians. We get hard, mean, and even cruel—often with those we love the most.

This is wrong, and an incorrect application of authority. We do need to have courageous conversations, and even dole out consequences as needed, but if our default is dictatorial we’ve missed the mark in the Jesus example.

The authority that Jesus wielded can be learned, applied and given freely, but we need to be intentional…. How will you discipline, correct, and encourage someone who is under your authority the next time? Will you default to a baser form of handling authority, or will you be intentional and model the kindness and encouragement of Jesus Christ? Next time, what will be different?

“You Just Broke Your Child. Congratulations.” by Dan Pearce

Bob Hammond–Legacy Leaver–2/14/11 (7 year anniversary of my dad’s passing)

True Story: Bob’s 7 Steps to a Legacy

You could put all of my father’s worldly possessions in his Chevy celebrity, yet he left us incredible riches. He taught and modeled a love for life, God, and people that will transmit for generations. He was not a flashy man, yet his life was compelling, and his heritage rich with meaning.

Here are some tools that my father Bob used to leave his legacy and heritage–

1. Time… Togetherness, investment in quality relationships with intentional, time spent together.
2. Communication…Talking, telling stories, laughing, and sharing life together, while communicating.
3. Love for and Appreciation of Beauty… Noticing life intentionally: the flowers, people, gardens, plants, trees, birds, animals, and the natural world.
4. Love for People… Appreciation and thankfulness for those in our lives. Expressions of love through, hugs, focused attention, eye contact encouragement, and appropriate touch.
5. Love for God… Actively having a love affair with our Creator, based in a worshipful heart disposition.  Living in intentional expression in: church community, the Fellowship, the study of truth, prayer, using our gifts, and living a life of love for God and people.
6. Having fun… Being present, in the moment and spontaneous. Making time for what’s really important. Being able to stop and smell the flowers, taste the ice cream, and generally enjoy the simple things. “The best things in life are not things at all.”
7. Being a Lifelong Learner… Possessing a hunger and thirst for truth, knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and a compelling education. Truly being a student of life, with the intent of discovering your strengths and gifts and making application to make your world a better place.

Dating at Cost Co

True Story – THE COSTCO DATE

What kind of life do I have when the highlight of my week is a date with my wife at Costco?

With nine kids, you can imagine it’s difficult to have any quality time to talk, reflect, communicate, or simply get on the same page with your spouse. My premise here is to show just how spending time together, no matter where it is, is the key to a great marriage. I’ll tell you about the story of our Costco date, the benefits of our time away, and the satisfaction it brings me to be with my wife.

We start with a list. We must do an inventory of what we need to buy at Costco—paper products, cereal, refried beans, milk, eggs, frozen items, etc. etc. Then comes the drive, where we catch up with on the week’s activities and just generally talk about life. Here is where we set the stage for some time of good communication and quality time together.

Going into Costco is always fun, as there are several regulars who are colorful, wonderful, and friendly. I do have to pull myself away from the high-definition televisions that my wife will not let me own. We inevitably see other couples on their Costco date as well.

One of the highlights is the tasty samples, and of course looking for the great deal.
I just found some really cool Dockers sweats for only nine dollars!

We grab our food at the food court, where Judy always asks about our kids and if indeed we’re on another date. We say yes, of course, and exchange pleasantries.

Now comes the time to carefully load up our catch and drive to the selected spot of the day to enjoy our quiet dinner-a sumptuous repast par excellent!

Here’s where we talk about the deeper things; kids, goals, schedules, God, the upcoming week, and life in general. Time for the drive home; sometimes we stop at Starbucks, which is always a great way to end a Costco run. We get home, and the kids unload the Costco booty and are delighted to see stuff that they wanted and we needed.

I discover that I do have a life, a Great Life, when the highlight of my week is a Costco run/date with my wife. Life is good. When I have time away with my best friend to shop, have dinner, go to Starbucks, and just have fun.

What am I lacking at this time?
Nothing.

Simple….Man!

Simple Man, original artist is Lynrd Skynrd. Written by lead singer Ronnie Van Zant and guitarist Gary Rossington.

Seemed like a Great Song for a Fathering Web Site……..

SIMPLE MAN

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time… dont live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and youll find love,
And dont forget son,
There is someone up above.

(chorus)
And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Wont you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich mans gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

(chorus)

Boy, dont you worry… you’ll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

Salesman’s Prayer

Prayer From The Greatest Salesman In The World … by Og Mandino

Oh creator of all things, help me. For this day I go out into the world naked and alone, and without your hand to guide me I will wander far from the path which leads to success and happiness.

I ask not for gold or garments or even opportunities equal to my abilities; instead, guide me so that I may acquire ability equal to my opportunities.

You have taught the lion and the eagle how to hunt and prosper with teeth and claw. Teach me how to hunt with words and prosper with love so that I may be a lion among men and an eagle in the market place.

Help me to remain humble through obstacles and failures; yet hide not from mine eyes the prize that will come with victory.

Assign me tasks to which others have failed, yet guide me to pluck the seeds of success from their failures. Confront me with fears that will temper my spirit; yet endow me with courage to laugh at my misgivings.

Spare me sufficient days to reach my goals; yet help me to live this day as though it be my last.

Guide me in my words that they may bear fruit; yet silence me from gossip that none be maligned.

Discipline me in the habit of trying and trying and trying again; yet show me the way to make use of the law of averages. Favor me with alertness to recognize opportunity; yet endow me with patience which will concentrate my strength.

Bathe me in good habits that the bad ones may drown; yet grant me compassion for the weaknesses in others. Suffer me to know that all things shall pass; yet help me to count my blessings of today.

Expose me to hate so it not be a stranger; yet fill my cup with love to turn strangers into friends.

But all these things only if thy will. I am a small and a lonely grape clutching the vine yet thou hast made me different from all the others. Verily, there must be a special place for me. Guide me. Show me the way.

Let me become all you planned for me when my seed was planted and selected by you to sprout in the vineyard of the world.

Help this humble salesman.

Guide me, God.

10 LEGACY IDEAS

10 Ideas for Leaving an Eternal Legacyby Mary May Larmoyeux

Arlene Kirk’s voice hesitated and tears welled up in her eyes as she showed me her family quilt. Pointing to the middle of it, she read about her parents: “Cecil (1908-1997) and Mildred (1908-1991) Rawlings; June 23, 1925.” They were married for 65 years.

After Cecil and Mildred’s deaths, Arlene and her four brothers and two sisters wanted to do something to honor their legacy. So they decided to make a family quilt to display at family reunions. A 10-inch quilting block was given to each of the Rawlings’ children and grandchildren—to decorate with their personal memories.

“If we were going to hold onto all that Mother and Daddy built, we had to pass it on … or we would have lost it,” Arlene says. “We would have lost our family history… of morals and belief in God.”

A small, gold cross is pinned to one of the quilt blocks. “Faith was important to them,” Arlene says.

Today, Cecil and Mildred Rawlings’ legacy lives on. As I looked at the quilt honoring them, I couldn’t help but wonder, “What legacy will my husband, Jim, and I leave? If our children and grandchildren decide to represent our lives with a patchwork of memories someday, which ones will they choose? How will we be remembered?”

Here are 10 ideas to help us consider our legacies:

1. Remember that you were created for a purpose.

To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing
–1 Peter 3:8-9

2. Absorb the fact that time is short. You are just passing through this world.

You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away
–James 4:14b

3. At the beginning of each week, write down one or two things that matter to not only you, but also to God. Examples: Spending time with God, having a strong marriage, understanding each of your children.

Then, jot down one or two ways you can show these things truly matter to you. Example: Get up 30 minutes earlier each day to read the Bible; have a date night; plan how you will have individual time with each child this week and then implement your plan.

But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves
–James 1:22

4. Decide whom you will serve—God or man. Sit down with your spouse (if you are married) and discuss what is seen, heard, and done in your house. Does it really please the Lord?

” … Choose for yourselves today whom you will serve … as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”
–Joshua 24:15

5. Cultivate a legacy of gratitude. You may want to have a blank journal and ask family members to write one or more blessings in it every day.

” … keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving”
–Colossians 4:2

6. Encourage your children to pray along with you when making tough decisions, interceding for others, or asking for material provisions. As they see God answer prayers, they will learn to look to Him when they are in need.

“For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you”
–Jeremiah 29:11-12

7. Take time to write or record (audiotape or videotape) your spiritual journey—your childhood memories about faith, your salvation experience, what lessons God has taught you, etc.

“Remember the days of old, consider the years of all generations. Ask your father, and he will inform you, your elders, and they will tell you”
–Deuteronomy 32:7

8. Allow your children to sacrifice for a greater need. Perhaps eat meatless meals once a week and give the money to a local food pantry.

And walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma
–Ephesians 5:2

9. Look for everyday teaching opportunities. For example, if the cashier gives you too much money back after a transaction, return it and explain why to your child: “God says not to take what’s not your own.”

“These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up”
–Deuteronomy 6:6-7

10. Create an atmosphere of understanding. Welcome your children’s questions about faith and family.

That their hearts may be encouraged, having been knit together in love, and attaining to all the wealth that comes from the full assurance of understanding, resulting in a true knowledge of God’s mystery, that is, Christ Himself
–Colossians 2:2

Borders Book Signing Saturday 12-3pm 12/18/10–Please Come!

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