Honoring Single Parents—Wanda from Iowa

My mother, Wanda Hammond, was born in a small town in Iowa—she changed my life….I wanted to honor her today.

This would have been her 87th Birthday.  As a single mother, Wanda raised me (an only child) in the Hood in San Diego California, through the turbulent 70′s–The era of Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. The surfing wasn’t too bad by the way!  While she worked (6 days a week) –I partied…hard. She nevertheless was glad to be a supportive and nurturing mother and always backed me in any pursuit. Whether getting baptized or pulled from jail– My mother was an example of someone who poured out her life for me, the shaggy and sometimes ragged “next generation”.

Wanda loved her job, her son, and her friends at the local watering hole in National City, California—The Galloping Inn.  This was her “Starbucks– 3rd place” of support, therapy, and Bud on tap!  Heck, they even played Creedence and Janis on the jukebox while we shot pool!  Kinda of a family experience at the pub…I loved the grapefruit juice and Johnny Cash and even got good at pool!

I will always remember her kindness, patience, and expressions of real motherly love to me.  She was never afraid to express her confidence in me or to compliment a success or win. Wanda was always present at any significant life event and ready for the celebratory dinner out after. She was an AWESOME single parent. I love her….still.

In her later years, I had several opportunities to express my thanks and love for her loving parenting support…!  In her later years, the Pall Mall’s caught her and she got cancer….Bummer…or she used to say: “Bunk!.. She died in a cold February in Sioux City of cancer at the age of 63. I was really impressed by the Iowa kindness of those who honored her life and death. The Lutheran female pastor was my favorite—She helped her sister Wanda face death and come back to her King and Heavenly Father with courage and class. I gotta love those Iowa folks!…Especially my mom Wanda…See you on the other side Mom….Keep a light on for me.

 

–Scott “Robbie” Hammond

 

 

 

SUCCESSFUL PARENTING

Successful Parenting—

Successful parents are clear and spot on with what they’re trying to accomplish in training their children. Discipline and focus must balance grace and mercy. There must be a balance between grace and discipline in managing a family in raising great kids.

Great parents are intentional parents. They know what they’re doing and why they’re doing it. Parenting also comes with the mandate to be flexible. Flexibility coupled with humor, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and the ability to keep it light will help parents get through many a dark time.

Training our kids through leading them by example and serving them is also a key component in that our values are usually caught not taught. This modeling of our values and walking our talk is key in setting an example for our kids to follow.

As we live our values as parents, our kids are taught and catch what we are instructing by the message of our lives and example. The key is for parents to be totally focused on this key role, whilst understanding none of us are perfect— thus we need grace both on others and for ourselves as parents.

Over Achiever??

Solutions for the Over-achieving Parent• Enjoy the moment. Stop and really concentrate on the small joys of life.• Be here now. Really focus on others and what they are communicating• Practice thankfulness for what it is now. Mentally and verbally give thanks for all you enjoy• Buy a Koi pond and go “watch the fish”. At least go outside and breathe, stretch and notice nature in its various forms.• Take breaks, stop and smell the flowers, intentionally enjoy life. Take a walk daily at work or home to break up the routine• Accept that less is more. What are we REALLY lacking in any moment?• Learn to push, then stop and wait for the results and be patient. Really know when you have done enough, then stop and give thanks.  It will be there tomorrow.• Bring your best contribution to all relationships. Really make relationships your #1 priority in life.  • Surrender to the moment, circumstance, or situation. Practice really letting go of any situation you have no control over. Rest. Pray. Release.• Take quiet breaks and rest. Walk. Go outside. Go Inside. Close the door. Time out.• Forgive with intentionality. Really release it and forget it. Move on…• Let it go. Stop your mind from negatively replaying what you cannot control.• Move along. Look to the next thing. Get over yourself.• Operate from the concept of a universe of abundance. There is more than enough for everyone.• Relax at work. Take a daily walk.• Breathe deep. Fill your lungs with air so that your stomach expands.  Do this each hour.• Totally trust God and pray. Learn to reach out to God in personal prayer and really speak with Him. Tell Him how you feel. He can take it. • Take vacations. Schedule in advance, save the resources, plan with gusto, and just do it.• Stop the “self-beatings”. As you have the inevitable setbacks of life, simply resolve in advance to not add to the disappointment by adding self- deprecation of any type. Make it a point to stop negative self- talk. • Monitor and question moods and attitudes. Practice self-control and be aware of your personal emotional cycles and weaknesses and adjust your perspective from there. Know yourself and adjust accordingly.• Surrender and accept what is. It is what it is…and it can be better if you are willing.

Are You Half Paid?

“If you’re in this for the money, you are only about half paid…”

Bob Hammond (1921-2004)
Motivational Speaker/Dad

My father, Bob Hammond, grew up in Iowa during the Great Depression. He was poor but received two years of college before being enlisted in the Army Air Corps during World War II.

He was an elite P-51 fighter pilot in the Asian Theater and was a decorated soldier.

He drank for 30+ years as he processed the experience. Consequently, our family grew up within the confines of alcoholism, divorce, and dysfunction. As I got older, and my father got sober, we forged a relationship for a lifetime. His support for me going to Humboldt State University, coupled with a mutual spiritual revival, made for a lifelong friendship until his death in 2004. My father always supported my educational goals and expressed confidence in me; he always believed in my choices and was available 24/7.

He was a people person and an expert salesman. He was relational in every way. People were his passion.

The lessons my father taught me had to do with relationships. People were priority.

For example, he came to work with me one day at the Tri City Weekly in Downtown Eureka to attend and contribute to a sales meeting. I was so proud and excited for my cohorts to hear the wisdom of this sage businessman and sales expert! He was my dad—coming to share his heart.

We gathered around, pen and paper in hand to hear from Bob Hammond, Salesman Extraordinaire. We were ready…

He sat down at our office at 6th and D St. and we expected at least 30-45 minute training about the secrets of great sales. No Dice. Not even close…

He leaned back in his chair, took a deep breath, and uttered words that were simple and profound and have taken me 15 years to really comprehend….He simply stated:

“IF YOU ARE IN SALES FOR THE MONEY, YOU ARE ONLY HALF PAID.”

That was it. No prelude, no commentary, no addenda—Just 13 words spoken with authenticity and belief.

I must admit, I was a bit annoyed and aghast he didn’t have a strong follow-up and more to add. He didn’t need to.

His point was just this: In business, as in life, people and relationships are key. They are the reason for why we do what we do in business and commerce and in life. The Free Market System is lacking, even meaningless, without good relationships, friendships, and the joy of living a life full of meaningful experiences with fellow human beings.

My dad was a people guy, a hugger who loved crossword puzzles, plants, music, people, and God most of all. His legacy of kindness, acceptance, thankfulness, gratitude, and forgiveness will always be with me. As an alcoholic, he always had a special place in his heart for those who struggled with alcoholism. He modeled non-judgment and kindness toward all. My father left an inherent sense of godliness, spiritual value, and a kindness that transcends most people you’ll ever meet. Although he was a warrior in World War II and killed many while flying a P51 Mustang, the rest of his life was spent building, not destroying.
He’ll always be remembered in our family as the “ice cream grandpa”, who always loved Humboldt County and insisted on multiple gallons of ice cream with each and every visit. Here’s to the legacy of a great guy, a great sales person… one of the Greatest Generation. May we approach our lives, careers, and business with a relational dimension and the kindness and care that all people want and need. Thanks, Dad, for modeling this respect and honor for people in your quiet, but profound lesson.

KNOW, LIKE, TRUST, AND BUY YOU………?

SALES IN THE NEW ECOMONY

THE SALES MEETING: My dad Bob Hammond came to the Tri City Weekly Monday Sales meeting several years ago. I was really excited to see this expert address the craft of sales with my cohorts.  He sat there and said these few words: “If you are in sales for the money, you are only half paid.” I was waiting for the next 59 minutes….Nothing! He was finished. He sat back and was finished with the Sales Training…I got annoyed until I realized what he had really said…

THE INTERPRETATION: What my dad taught was that business and sales are about relationships and people. The key to sales is to simply “Grow Relationships”. IF they know you, like you, trust you, they WILL buy from you. Relationship is king and People are paramount.

The NEW ECONOMY:

New Economy 2011 is not “Business as Usual.” I have been on the streets of Humboldt County for 30 years selling and it has NEVER been like this. Example: my informal survey of 200+ businesses has yielded only about 10 or so businesses that are doing “well.”  I think 50% of those are exaggerating!  Things are tough!

SALES IN A NEW ECONOMY

It has been said: “Nothing happens till there is a Sale”—it is the 2^nd oldest profession! Capitalism and the Free Enterprise System are all based on sales and selling. Nothing happens till there is a sale. Sales IS foundation of our economy and the core of the free market system.

Old Practices and “business as usual” are NOT working. The “good old boy network” is not so good today!  We must work harder AND smarter if we want to survive.

Things are really spooky and scary…What will we do going forward?  How will YOU change and adapt to this “New Economy…?” Read on….

KNOW, LIKE, TRUST, and BUY YOU….HOW?

KNOW YOU— (know ability)

Who is the REAL YOU-Genuine, transparent, and human? In order for relationships to work people need to get to know you: Really know You- Not the adapted or “professional” you. Can you let down your guard and “keep it real?” Also, are you present in your customers world—Networking, BNI, Chamber, Rotary, Associations, Social Media, etc.

LIKE YOU— (likability)

How can you be a more LIKABLE you? Serve others! Serving, helping, loving others: Remember—“They don’t care how much you know- till they know how much you care.” Serving others helps them Like YOU! Helping others sets the stage for real likability.

TRUST YOU– (trustworthy)

My Dad Bob said “It takes money to buy whiskey.” What he meant is that actions promote credibility in all you do-Actions speak louder than words. True.

Trust simply takes time, consistency, availability, and starts with small steps of incremental credibility.

BUY YOU— (buy ability)

When it comes time to buy (if you have done the above), you are the trusted advisor. The natural outcome will be to use your services. You will be the #1. Choice when your customer goes shopping! You have won them with loyalty and good service–they may shop but will buy from YOU!

BUSINESS LEGACY—

What will you work on to improve your sales, character, integrity, and love for others? This is the stuff of real sales, life, and relationships.

What are you known for? What will they say at your funeral? How will you be remembered in life, family, and business? Were you known?  Liked? Trusted? And Bought?

It really is about people and relationships and that is what we leave behind in a positive legacy.  Please remember the immortal words: “If you’re in it for the money you are only half paid.” Why settle for any less?

Listening #1.

Tools for Successful Dads: Listening

Communication has two parts-listening and expressing yourself.

Both must occur for communication to be successful. When you listen well to family members, you encourage them to talk about what’s most important to them. It’s easy to get careless about really listening.

Listening is at least as important as talking. Everyone needs someone to listen to them-someone who supports them and allows them to openly express feelings. Sometimes a person can find a solution or discover the sources of stress just by talking. Some of us process our feelings or find ways to clarify and express our thoughts by simply talking to others. Find out which of your family members process in this way and you will have a key to unlocking their “code”.

Parents sometimes feel obligated to lecture, present solutions, and give an analysis when listening. This is not good listening. A good listener should not feel obligated to advise, analyze, or have all the answers. Listening and responding with concern and understanding may be all the help needed.
The Art of Listening

The #1 human need is psychological survival, to be understood, affirmed, validated, and appreciated. In other words, we need to be heard and understood. It isn’t always easy because we live in a busy world, and many of us spend our days in a time crunch.

But the experts agree, when we take time to listen we improve relationships, promote an atmosphere of cooperation, and encourage creative thinking. We even save money and relational problems by avoiding costly errors caused by miscommunication.

Active listening does not come naturally.

Stephen Covey notes that when someone speaks, our initial reaction is to evaluate and scrutinize them which is the opposite of what we should do. We should focus on empathetic listening with the intent to understand and we must do this with the goal of helping.
There are 4 phases of empathetic listening, according to Covey…
1. First, is to mimic content, repeating exactly what the speaker has said
2. The Second stage is to rephrase the content to what was said in your own words
3. Third, you may reflect feelings or make a non-judgmental statement about the speaker’s emotions, empathizing with what or how he feels
4. The Fourth stage is a combination of the second and third stages, to rephrase content and reflect feelings
Sometimes we don’t want to hear what’s being said, choosing to be annoyed instead of understanding the other person’s view; this only damages a relationship. We’d make a better choice by moving forward, forgiving the offense and the offender, and resolving the problem.

Listening must come from the heart. If it is not sincere it will show regardless of what we say… nonverbal gestures will expose true feelings. When this happens, make it a point to remain focused on what the speaker is saying, actively participating in and practicing the stages of empathetic listening. The art of listening lies in understanding that to be an effective parent, leader, spouse, or any other role we must not only care about what others have to say, but also how they feel. Just remember your kids need your full attention, your patience, and a listening ear. Listen well when they speak. It will make you an even better parent than you already are

Marriage and Your Communication Skills

Improving your Marriage Communication Skills

Even in the best situations, conflicts in relationships, family life, or work are inevitable. Unfortunately, the unskilled and negative ways we typically respond to conflict often causes even more stress, thus eroding relationships. This creates resentment within families and lessens personal and relational effectiveness. Here are some ways to improve your communication skills:
• Set an example—If you want your partner to open up more, set the example by sharing more of your own thoughts and feelings. Try sharing interesting things you’ve heard or read. Relate an experience that it happened during the day.
• Keep it light–Try talking about something else besides the problems. Make a decision not to bring up the hassles with work, kids, or finances, at least until later.
• Make “I” statements—Avoid starting a sentence with “you.” It sounds like an accusation or invitation to fight.
• Use the feeling words—Use good descriptors when describing what you’re feeling. It’s not fair to expect your partner to guess or figure out what you’re trying to say or feeling about an issue.
• Do something together—Experience has shown that people, particularly men, are more likely to share their feelings when they’re doing something together that both can enjoy.
• Listen… don’t talk— give the other person a chance to get his or her ideas and opinions across.
• Ask questions—guard against assuming you know what the other person meant by asking questions.
• Keep an open mind—don’t just listen for statements that back up your own opinions and support your beliefs. Be willing to listen to someone else’s point of view and ideas.
• Don’t jump to conclusions— don’t assume you have the gist of the conversation or think you know what the speaker’s going to say next. If you do not listen, you may miss the real point the speaker is trying to get across.
• Listen between the lines—remember a lot of clues to meaning come from the speaker’s tone of voice, facial expressions, non-verbals and gestures. Body language is usually an accurate indication of the speaker’s attitude or emotional state. Concentrate on what is not being set as well as what is being said.
• Provide feedback– Make eye contact with the speaker; nod your head when you understand the specific point or provide other feedback that shows you’re really listening.
• Summarize—when the person finishes speaking, repeat what the speaker has said in your own words to confirm that you understand. Summarize points of agreement or disagreement.

Hey, Meet Gabe!

True Story….Gabriel Hammond’s Birth

This is our true and heartfelt story of turning pain into passion. This is a true story of our beloved son, Gabriel Hammond.

It all started with the ultrasound at the local Mad River Community Hospital. The ultrasound revealed the possibility of Down syndrome. Gabe (our unborn son) had a one in three chance of having the condition. Did he or didn’t he? That question haunted us until Gabe’s birth.

My wife Joni was assigned a month’s bed rest and then gave birth to a mostly-healthy baby boy. Joni and Gabe were flown overnight to UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento, where Gabriel was to have surgery to correct an intestinal blockage. After the surgery, both mother and son were fine.

The two-dollar question was did Gabriel have Down syndrome?

Meeting with the doctor, she told us that yes, Gabe did have Down syndrome and that we had less than one year left in our marriage. Her point was that parents of special-needs kids have huge marital challenges. The doctor was not very delicate in the way she told us. What a great nugget to drop on a couple in such a vulnerable time!

No one prepares you for the disappointment, loss, fear, and many of life’s potentials forfeited when you learn that you have a baby who has Down syndrome. The feelings of new parents of kids with Down run from anger to depression to frustration to resignation. It is like the six phases of grieving. It feels a bit like a death within the context of birth in that it is a death of a vision. A parental hope and dream of what could have been most likely will not be now with this new twist of having a “special need”. It is a feeling, ultimately, of being lost in a world of unpredictability and not having a map of where you are going. This is truly “uncharted water”. That feeling of fear and sense of loss will be forever ingrained in my heart and mind. We knew nothing of Down syndrome or special-needs kids. To this point, we’d had six healthy children and had never met anyone with Down syndrome or any similar disability.

As we learned that our Gabriel had Down, we really had to dig deep and see if we could find the upside of Down syndrome. But, fear ruled the day.

Who is our boy? What will he be when he grows up? Can he play football? Will he go to college? Will he be “normal”? Will he get married? Will he have children? Will he have to undergo heart surgery?

These and other questions raced through our minds as we try set about discovering who it was we were dealing with and what his needs would be going forward. The initial sense of being lost without a compass or any bearings is truly an emotion to which words cannot do justice. When advised of our Gabriel’s condition, the well-meaning but blunt doctor told us that most special-needs parents divorce within the first few years. Well, she just added to our devastation.

On a subsequent trip back to UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento, California, years later, that sense of being lost is what I remembered the most. That sense of not knowing what to do, where to go, or who to turn to, other than God. We made the decision to learn to love and raise Gabriel and come to terms with what, or rather who, we were given.

How did we move forward? What were the metrics of measuring progress with Down Syndrome? What will Gabe’s needs be? How different will he be? How can we get help and resources? What about school?

The darkness, disbelief, and doubt that swirl around new parents, who discover their child has Down syndrome or any other life-altering disease, birth defect, or condition, are real and profoundly devastating. Not having a map or a compass to consult, not knowing which steps are needed is truly a frightening, debilitating process. Faith in God becomes paramount at the moment and going forward.

It’s a hard thing to realize and come to grips with the disappointment of a loss of a child diagnosed with something as long term and life-changing as Down syndrome. Down syndrome is not “cute” as some blithely observe. Kids with Down syndrome, while they are special, are still a challenge, especially for the parents upon first discovering their own child’s special needs.

The unknown twists and turns, trials, stress, surprises, fears, and heartbreak are all part of what it means to be a special needs parent.

The ensuing questions, heartbreak, prayer, and walks around the UC Davis campus, crying out to God, will always be etched in my memory. After days of genuine soul searching, I decided to dedicate Gabriel (and our raising him) to the Lord. Although he would never be a professional football hero or a brain surgeon, his life would be both personally fulfilling and enriching to those around him. We were ready to move on and raise our son no matter what!

The shame, embarrassment, and guilt that parents of children with special needs share is one of life’s dirty-little-secrets. Although not rational, logical, or reasonable, these feelings are very tangible.

The feelings of sadness and gloom often come at unexpected, strange times. Perception is reality. The pain is real. In addition to this we discovered Gabe had autism as well. This was a family shock to say the least. Now our son had a double challenge…so did we.

The times of reality hitting home when the Costco gawkers stared at us and our son Gabe only served to remind us of our frustration, pain, and anguish. Every so often, the reality check of Gabriel’s special needs of Down syndrome (and now, autism, as well) come crashing in on us. Gabe’s episodes of dysfunction or meltdowns pull us out of our times of denial, where we have to admit, acknowledge, and again decide to go forward as parents.

We have learned to be honest with our feelings and with each other. We’ve chosen to redeem benefits from all the pain as a couple and as a family to achieve love regardless of the “return on investment”. The lessons learned have to do with my deciding to have the right perspective, attitude, actions, and behaviors. The decision to love unconditionally is ours alone. This unconditional love, stemming from the decision to love Gabriel, has transferred some of my pain into a long-term perspective which is surprising, refreshing, and very interesting.

SPIRITUAL AUTHENTICITY

Walk Your Talk with Your Kids—Living with Spiritual Authenticity

Train a child in the way they should go….“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it”– Proverbs 22:6, King Solomon of Israel.

This is a great concept, promise, principle, and protocol for fathers. “Training up” has the idea of a parent graciously investing in a child whatever wisdom, love, nurturing, and discipline is needed for him to become fully committed to God. It presupposes parental emotional and spiritual maturity.

“In the way that he should go” is to do the training according to the unique personality, gifts, and aspirations of the child. The idea here is to, equip, resource, and be a catalyst for your child’s gifts, skills, and natural abilities. We must study our kids and know just what their strengths and weaknesses are.

The converse is to help the child avoid whatever natural tendencies she might have that would prevent total commitment to God. For example: a weak will, a lack of discipline, a susceptibility to depression, etc… Knowing where our kids are prone to weakness will help us to help them avoid the pitfalls of poor decision-making, lack of character, immaturity and more. This is as important as knowing their strengths and gifts and facilitating those.

The promise is that proper development with great parenting ensures the child will stay committed to God and love people… the two basics of the 10 Commandments. May we stay focused, diligent and intentional in this key role!
Tools of Effective Legacy: Grace. How Do We Use Our Authority?

When I talk about fathering, I think of how God the Father deals with me. And then I realize His kindness, patience, and love and see how short I fall as I deal with others.

God doesn’t always use a stick to beat us when we make mistakes, so why are we as fathers so quick to apply the stick of punishment to those around us, especially our kids? It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay to not like injustice, disobedience, immaturity, and some of the zany things kids do in their selfishness.

But what gives you and me the right when we are tired and frustrated to dole out law in the spirit of anger? Our Lord never modeled that type of authoritarianism. He did everything in love, including correction, chastisement, teaching, and encouragement.

You and I as men need to re-learn authority. We need to not get caught up in the disciplinarian model and playing the heavy, which is so common in our society. We need to learn the authority of Jesus, based in love, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control.

We need to re-learn the father heart of God, and how that applies to our leadership and authority over those for whom we have responsibility. We must be intentional and incremental in learning this model, as it will transform our parenting, and indeed, our lives. So, the next time you’re faced with someone’s shortcomings, or your own, for that matter, what’s going to be different?

Will it be grace or law? Which have you been given more of?

Grace versus law- means that we translate His heart to those around us in how we use our words, authority and actions. How can we successfully use godly authority in a way that shows His heart and love and kindness?
How do you personally dole out correction and discipline? Do the following mark your approach?
• Anger
• Frustration
• Stress
• Burnout
• Tiredness
• Cussing and swearing
• Yelling and raising your voice
• Withholding your favor in some way
• Silent treatment
• Launching out in anger
• Physical violence
• Verbal violence
How do these mirror the Father Heart of God (see Appendix B.), and how he’s treated you? Does God do any of the above as He has occasion to correct and admonish you? In your walk with God, has He ever treated you with anything but kindness, love in the heart of a father? The answer is God corrects and chastens us in great love and patience and kindness. His encouraging and teaching Spirit reminds me that the kindness of God leads me to repentance… every time.

We get caught up in stress and with our authority; we often default to become the great disciplinarians. We get hard, mean, and even cruel—often with those we love the most.

This is wrong, and an incorrect application of authority. We do need to have courageous conversations, and even dole out consequences as needed, but if our default is dictatorial we’ve missed the mark in the Jesus example.

The authority that Jesus wielded can be learned, applied and given freely, but we need to be intentional…. How will you discipline, correct, and encourage someone who is under your authority the next time? Will you default to a baser form of handling authority, or will you be intentional and model the kindness and encouragement of Jesus Christ? Next time, what will be different?

“You Just Broke Your Child. Congratulations.” by Dan Pearce

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