“80% of life is showing up.”
I was sitting with my friend at a recent networking meeting. As I was speaking to her, I realized how far she’s come in learning how to network, speak, and connect with people. She had developed her people skills and had really become rather professionally transformed. She had “bloomed” and come in to her own. She came from being a “wallflower” to become a gnarly networker–in a short period of time.
Let’s explore about how folks like you and I can become great networkers, speakers, marketers, and communicators. How do people go from good to great—often in short order? I have seen many people come into “bloom” and come to connect to their own experiences, gifts, and skills in their midlife. Many folks actually come into their “professional prime” rather late in midlife. Their talents were always there—just latent and waiting for the right conditions. It’s amazing to see others come into their own as they exercise their gifts, experiences, and talents to communicate freely with others. They basically find their “voice” and a new ability to joyfully participate in (professional and business) life. They bloom.
An example of this is my friend, referenced earlier, who was rather shy. Her background was not in business and she had very little business acumen. With application and time and work– she became a very proficient networker, speaker, and communicator. She had really “bloomed”. She applied herself and went out into the world and made herself learn to deal with, relate to, and even love people and become a proficient speaker, marketer, and “gnarly networker”. She is now rather fearless when it comes to groups, meetings, and even direct selling.
This “blooming” is much like akin to a flower; in their infancy they are small buds. Flowers, like folks, when they’re given their correct growing conditions, they bloom—often magnificently. When the rosebud is small and insignificant it has very little beauty and no scent. They’re actually thorny and not much fun to deal with. When it’s given the opportunity to develop, a rose in full bloom is the pinnacle of God’s creation. They’re lovely, smell great, and beautify any landscape or room. In like manner, when people encounter a midlife “bloom” –they often beautify the world with their gifts and “fragrance.” They may even smell and look better!
We actually have the ability to set the stage for our own professional and personal growth. We can set it up to bloom professionally and more brilliantly. With fertilization, light, correct nutrients and with the right location– a flower– or a person– can be magnificent in short order. Kind of like my friend–she put herself in a position to grow personally and saw the results rather quickly. In the same way, you and I can set the stage for growth. Know what you want. Show up. Be present. Help others. Serve. Be kind…
A lot of blooming is being exposed-being in the light. Being out there and exposed to the elements and to the nutrients needed to develop our “inner bloom.” We can actually grow quickly and more profoundly if we do it with intentionality. What is it take to be intentional? It takes a goal and focus and execution. It takes time management– it takes work and effort. Much of it is simply showing up and being relational. Zig Ziglar says it well—“You must circulate to percolate.”
Much of life is figuring out what it means to come into our own. How do you develop those in to your gifts and other skill sets that lie dormant in your life? Part of the answer lies in your DESIRE to grow and to expand and learn. Come out of your comfort zone. If you’re willing, then sometimes the execution of the necessary effort becomes rather easy. It’s often at that point that we can grow and come into our own and become of use to others.
This notion of being of use to others is the primary motivation. How can you and I be of use to our family, our community, and our world? The answer is coming to your own and finding the next level of “best”, going from good to great and then “blooming.” Be willing to pay the price and do what’s necessary and let nothing hold you back from becoming all you can be. Come into your own today. We have been waiting for you a long time. Be like that flower that comes out of the bud phase of their life into full fruition. This fruition gives life, color, smell, and sensory benefit all that experience it. Be that open flower today. Go out and set the stage then bloom in all your brilliance and glory!
“If you’re in business for just the money—you’re about half paid.”
R.L. Hammond (1921-2004)
My dad was an insurance agent in San Diego County in the 1970-80’s. He lived a life of serving others and his country in WWII. He taught and tutored me in much of what I know and do in business today.
The following practices/ideas of his are sure to ratchet up your business acumen:
- BE KIND TO EVERYONE—“It doesn’t cost anything to show kindness to others, Scott,” he would say. Be nice. Play nice. A smile and a small kindness go a long way.
- HAVE A FIRM HANDSHAKE/SHAKE HANDS AND GREET PEOPLE- People love to feel important (because they are!). An appropriate handshake and a greeting really affirm others and establishes rapport-quickly. Give the gift of appropriate touch.
- TELL GREAT STORIES—People live in stories…We all relate to a good tale and learn more from a compelling story than a lecture. Stories bring relevance to our topic and to our relationships.
- BE A GOOD LISTENER—This tells people you affirm them and value them. Empathy is a powerful relationship builder and establishes credibility, reliability, and shows you really care.
- BE AN ABOVE AVERAGE SPEAKER—Learn the art of public speaking. Good speakers know how and what to communicate and when. You can learn to speak well if you apply yourself to the disciplines and use the tools available to you. “Go to a Toastmaster Meeting”, he would tell me.
- HAVE AN AWESOME SENSE OF HUMOR—Laugh sometimes. Have fun with people and stop the somberness that permeates some business cultures. Be appropriately playful with people who like to play and laugh, and cultivate the ability to really laugh at life.
- DEVELOP LIFELONG RELATIONSHIPS—Be the person who reaches out and calls and takes the initiative in your relationships. Be that person who spends the time and effort to get to know and serve others. Givers really do gain!
- GIVE ENCOURAGEMENT…FREELY—Be that person who can freely affirm, encourage, and genuinely build others up in a truly authentic fashion. Heck—tell those you love how you feel.
- BE A GIVER—Share your life, world, resources, experiences, gifts, and time as freely as you feel able and willing. Be that person who “walks the talk” in your actions and your words. Give to others expecting nothing in return—you will be blessed.
- BE SPECTACULAR ON THE PHONE—Learn to use the phone like no one else. Make purposeful and powerful calls that build rapport and relationship. Learn to network using the phone to make great calls and reach out to those you hope to build alliances with. Know how to relate to people via the phone on a regular basis.
10.5. BE YOU—Just be yourself not a second rate version of someone else. Trust yourself, be yourself and others will resonate with the “authentic you”. There is only one of YOU—be the best you possible and you will succeed in life, business, and awesome relationships!
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 – )
People often ask:” How do you get involved and know so many people locally?”
Short answer: relationships via networking and involvement.
How do you and I make the time in a world in short supply of it?
Show up. Get involved. Be present.
You can make the time and make people your priority. It does not take gobs of time- Just a commitment to involvement in something and some people you believe in–something you know makes a difference.
Some key points to really consider:
- Consider as you look into community involvement: What is a fit both in time and mission?
- What does this association bring to you and the community?
- What do YOU bring to the group?
- Can you support the vision, mission, and the goals of the association you are considering?
- What is your motivation? Give or take or both? Business or just friendship or both?
I have some suggestions for your networking consideration here in Humboldt County. It usually costs nothing to visit and each association will likely be delighted to meet and get to know you. This list is just my take—not exhaustive by any means.
- Local Chamber of Commerce (Google your local Chamber)
You can choose from most local towns: Eureka, Arcata, Fortuna, or McKinleyville. Each would love to meet and network with you at their monthly mixers. Great opportunity—size matters here. Your local Chamber is a great place to start your “networking quest.”
- B.N.I.—Business Networking International (bni.com)
This is your great opportunity to specifically network with others in business for the express purpose of getting and giving business referrals. There are 3 local chapters and they are all very friendly to new and potential visitor/members.
- Service Clubs—Rotary, Kiwanis’s, Soroptimist, etc… (Google and you will find your choice)
Local service clubs are a terrific way to get linked in to the local culture and make a positive difference in the community. Each has its own flavor, culture, and mission to the community. Again, visit around to find the best match for you in terms of meeting time, general fit and culture.
- “Mastermind” Groups—several in the County (Google your search—it really works!)
These groups vary, but the common thread is always some focus on mutual encouragement and support in attainment of your personal and business goals. Each has its own focus and area of expertise and all differ in their culture and leadership. This is a great network to get personal attention and 1 to 1 help. These usually cost more than other networks and for good reason.
- Clubs, Associations, Lodges, etc…(Google is your friend—use it)
Locate and find the involvement via local clubs of your choice. Elks, Odd Fellows, Grangers, Moose Lodges, are just a few you can choose from. Humboldt County has a lot of these.
- Toastmasters—3 chapters locally (toastmasters.org)
There are many associations designed for self-help—few do it as well as Toastmasters. Although, not a networking venue, Toastmasters helps folks ramp up their business acumen and thereby their networking skills. This is a personal favorite. You actually do meet many fascinating people along the way!
Want to network and get your local relationships ramped up? Show up. Get involved. Be present.
There is no better way than to plug into an appropriate local group, association, or club of choice. You will find not only will you grow, but you will be a key in influencing others to personal development.
The key is when/where/ and how you will choose to be involved. If you delay, we will all be lesser for your absence. Take action today—get on Google and make some calls and show up—You’ll be glad you did…so will your communities!
1. SPEAKING SKILLS–It is a must:the ability to accurately communicate and express ideas, concepts, and persuade your family in a compelling manner.
2. MENTORING–Being good at bringing your kids up to their potential in any skill by helping, leading, serving, and coaching.
3. LEADERSHIP–Learning to be the initiator, instigator, and to lead with compassion.
4. TIMING–Understanding rhythm, cadence, and precise timing both in how to speak and when to speak….or not!
5. IMPROMPTU SPEAKING–Really being prepared to speak in a compelling way at any moment of need. Being here now AND having something cogent to say.
6. GOOD PLANNING–the skill to exercise good focus, organization, and productivity in all aspects of parenting and family life.
7. RELATIONSHIPS–People are what is of value in life. Relationships therefore, become paramount. It is how we develop these that defines us as individuals.
1. Ask someone (everyone)
The 2008 Toastmasters International Speech Contest Winner for Northern California.the-upside-of-downs-final
For Immediate Release
New Website Become a Better Father.com announces its podcast, blog, and online videos just in time for Father’s Day
McKinleyville, California. June 2, 2009. Scott Hammond, author, speaker, and parenting expert, releases, just in time for Father’s Day, exciting new resources for parents via his Web site: Become a Better Father.com. Visitors can expect a wealth of information that helps them employ Purpose-Driven Parenting to strengthen their family relationships and improve their lives.
As a father of nine (including two special needs children) and an extensive background in leadership training, coaching, consulting, writing, and public speaking, Hammond brings a unique and dynamic energy to helping others become better, more-effective fathers. Although Scott Hammond coaches fathers in particular, his offerings are not limited to just men. Anyone who parents can use his system to make great improvements in their familial relations and enjoy happier, healthier existences. Some of Mr. Hammond’s personal, encouragement-based coaching involves: effective goal setting, honest self evaluation, integrity-based communication, and credibility in word and action.
Are you an effective parent?
Hammond states, “Every parent feels a need to improve their parenting skills, to better reach and teach their children, and to leave a lasting, loving legacy so all family members can live healthier, richer, more productive lives. My parenting program helps fathers identify what they really want, to come forward and embrace their role in the family, and take the steps required for strong, lasting, and positive relationships”.
New Website Features, Just in Time for Father’s Day
The Become a Better Father.com Web site now features podcasting, You Tube videos of Scott in action, a Father’s Day writing contest, an award-winning Toastmasters speech titled, “The Upside of Down Syndrome”, Scott’s Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers materials, how to leave a healthy and strong legacy for our children, and much more.
As a trainer, coach, writer, speaker, consultant, and father, Scott Hammond delivers a comfortable, personal, and informal speaking style that motivates, inspires, and compels others toward positive personal and professional change. With a 30-year, award-winning background in radio, newsprint, and television media, Scott is uniquely qualified to offer a balanced perspective on family and career achievement.
Can you name the three great examples of fathers in current culture?
You can’t say Bill Cosby or the guy on “Father Knows Best”!
Go ahead; we’re waiting….
Can’t seem to find just three?
Where have all the good dads gone?
Good fathers are an endangered species!
What is it with us guys?
Where did all the Great Dads go?
What’s up with the dads?
Dads are in trouble.
Everything assaults us-
Society, work, appetites, pressures, time management, and busyness.
We have no training, no schools, no workshops, few seminars, and no classes on how to be effective fathers. Moreover, as you’ve learned from the exercise above, we have very few examples from which to learn.
Men are great project managers in the workplace and at home, but most of us fail miserably when it comes to relationship building. Men tend to be great planners, movers, shakers, project managers, or people managers, but we are often poor at building in-depth relationships with those we love.
Men can be great builders; we have built amazing:
But when it comes to building relationships and running a family, men often fail miserably.
We can run a business and government, and even a society, but we are often poor at running a family.
Our family—wife, children, pets—often get the leftovers of our mind, body, emotions, and spirit at the end of the day.
Why is that? Let me explain…
Here are a few of the reasons, the issues, problems, and challenges that men face and that undermine their desire to create and build relationships of quality with their families:
ü No goals, objectives, or written plan to make family a priority
ü Poor time management skills, being too busy, not making time for priorities
ü Poor skill sets with fathering
ü Poor fathering examples
ü Buying, owning, and maintaining too many possessions and “stuff”
And 1000 other distractions, including low priority activities such as:
· Illicit activities
When “real men” get stuck, we never ask for directions!
How can we possibly admit weakness, vulnerability, or something as simple as being lost?
This all makes for a very sad situation.
Men are not picking and living their priorities.
So how do we guys have quality family relationships?
How do we spend quality, as well as quantity, time with those we love?
And how do we forge meaningful ties with our children- emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically- when our families often get our leftovers?
How do we do this, when we often return home from the workplace and the life outside the family truly drained and unable or unwilling to continue to give and pour out of our already-sapped resources? Many dads are truly lost, not even seeking a way back to being on track.
What is your Plan for being a Good Dad?
This is the two-dollar question, the dilemma, which we will address as we discover the
Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers.
Consider the Key Questions
Here are the key questions to ask yourself as a father as you develop your personal Fathering Plan:
1. Who are you?
2. What do you want?
3. Why are you here?
4. What isn’t working that you would like to see start working?
5. What would you like to see stop happening?
The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers will help you to discover some of your answers.
We will uncover some ideas, tools, tips, and techniques to help you become more:
You can become an awesome father, but you have to answer the above questions and then be resolute in taking action to move forward toward incremental progress as a father.
You can do it, but you’ve got to first dream it, plan it, and then do it.
If not you, who?
If not now, when?
Unconditional love is love that is absolute, unreserved, and complete.
It’s love that is limitless, without strings, and not dependent upon the response of the recipient.
Unconditional love is really about your kids knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that they’re loved and accepted.
It’s saying, meaning, and living “I am truly on your side no matter what. I am for you. I am unconditionally on your side, always”.
Three action points to express unconditional love are:
· Appropriate Touch
· Positive eye contact
· Focused attention
Let’s look at these love actions in more detail…
Appropriate touch is the most obvious way to show affection.
It is defined by any type of appropriate, natural, physical contact, not just hugs and kisses.
Appropriate touch should be:
· Not showy or overdone
It goes with eye contact and can be many things including:
· A pat on the back
· A gentle poke
· Tousle of the hair
· Rub on the shoulder
· A light touch on the arm back neck or shoulder, again, all in an appropriate manner.
Kids who experience consistent, appropriate touch are more likely to:
1. Have good self-esteem
2. Be well-liked by others
3. Have an easy time communicating
Young boys especially need it, as do girls growing up into their teens.
The father-daughter connection is vital, because if we fathers are not touching our daughters properly, there are plenty of volunteers to touch them inappropriately…
We dads need to be huggers and to get physical with our kids.
If you are a self proclaimed non-physical “non-hugger”, change!
Learn to be appropriately physical and learn the ability to show attention and affection
through physical touch.
If you don’t pay attention to them, someone else will…probably not someone you would want.
It’s vital that we are intentional about showing our unconditional love through focused attention, positive eye contact, and appropriate touch. These three things can revolutionize and transform our relationships not only with our children, but with all those in our lives.
Eye contact means: “Looking directly into the eyes of another person.”
In our culture, it’s hard to have a conversation with someone who cannot hold eye contact.
It is a main source of emotional nurturing and is a continuous life-giving habit to our kids, if we will use it.
Eye contact is a close cousin to appropriate touch. The two used together are a powerful means to connect with your children.
The results and benefits are:
· We tend to like people who look at us while we communicate
· Eye contact adds meaning to conversation, as the eyes are the “windows to the soul”
Never use eye contact or the lack thereof to make strong points, or when angry, irritated, annoyed, or frustrated, any of which are all part of being a parent.
The point is this-exclusive use of eye contact in anger is destructive, as is withholding eye contact.
Withholding eye contact is cruel and more damaging than corporal punishment and if you play that game, you and your children will lose.
If you, as a grown man, withhold eye contact as a form of punishment to anyone in your life, you may want to take a look at why and consider a change.
We do need to learn to confront in love, while maintaining positive eye contact. When we need to have courageous conversations with our kids, we need to use eye contact as a life-giving source of affirmation, not as a means to tear down, belittle, withhold love, or demean.
We can and should use positive, affirming eye contact with all those around us on a regular, intentional, and habitual basis.
Focused attention is giving a person your full, undivided attention.
It is the most demanding of the three actions as it takes time, energy, and giving up other activities in order for us to give our focused attention to the people we love.
According to a 1996 Gallup Poll, the average father spends less than sixty minutes a day in some contact with his kids. What’s up with that?
How much time do you spend? Honestly?
We need to be able to give up the “tyranny of the urgent” and live in what Stephen Covey calls “quadrant number #4”, where we intentionally do things that are the most productive.
This should include giving our children our focused attention as fathers.
The benefit is your child feels completely loved and valued.
They feel they’re the most important person in the world.
Kids do their best with focused attention as part of their lives.
It shows in their behavior, performance, attitude, and motivation.
Focused attention must be a daily occurrence and we as dads need to make times to make that happen daily.
This requires being intentional. It might well require things like putting down the newspaper you were reading, in order to look at the bug your daughter caught. It might mean staying up late, when you’d rather be in bed, to listen to your teen son pour out his frustrations of the day. It might mean giving up an evening out so you can read bedtime stories to your kids. It is a sacrifice of time and energies that pays big dividends.
Focused attention becomes paramount in priority…
It comes before everything else you do with or two your child, including
It is the key to unlocking the door to being a great dad.
It should always be natural, comfortable, appropriate, and unhurried.
It will result in a child who…
1. Is comfortable with themselves and others
2. Is well-liked
3. Has a full “emotional tank”
4. Has good self-esteem
5. Is easier to communicate with
Are you giving your child emotional support through focused attention today?
Appropriate touch, positive eye contact, focused attention.
These are the languages of love when it comes to raising well-adjusted, healthy kids.
We fathers need to make these a daily occurrence. Did you know that, according to a recent poll, the average duration of contact between fathers and children is under two minutes daily? If we only spend two minutes a day with our children, how can we possibly convey our love through our actions?
We need to leverage these languages of love- to begin to not only speak them, but to be fluent in all three. Which language does your child respond to best? Are you speaking that language to your children today?
If not, why not?
If not now, when?
If not you, who?
Secret #2-Respect Your Children
Respect is defined as “To care, esteem, regard, venerate, honor, or to revere.”
Respect is at the core of how all individuals would like to be treated and spoken to.
As fathers, we show it in our conversation, tone, actions, and kindness to our children.
We need not talk down to them as a smaller person who is weaker, vulnerable, or less valuable.
Our children need to know they are accepted and acceptable, just as they are.
They must know they are respected and honored by how they are treated in our:
· Our non-verbal behaviors/signals
Here’s the test… would you speak to or treat a peer in the same manner you do your kids?
1. Talk down to them?
2. Berate them?
3. Raise your voice or yell at them?
4. Display disgust in your tone or body language?
5. Show inappropriate anger and frustration and annoyance?
So if you would not treat another adult in this like manner, why would you address your kids, whom you love as much or more, with such disrespect and dishonor?
It seems that many parents think its okay to not treat their kids with love and respect and to address them in an inappropriate and dishonoring fashion.
That’s not to say that when correcting or having courageous conversations with our kids, we can’t show frustration, appropriate anger, or annoyance at their immaturity or misbehavior. Rather, it’s doing so in a manner that still protects the child’s dignity. It’s The Golden Rule—treat others as you would be treated.
Does your child really feel accepted and acceptable?
Respected and honored?
How would your kids respond differently to you if you consistently addressed them with appropriate respect and honor?
Begin to show respect in your conversation, actions, tone, and body language, and you will see a transformation, both in yourself and your children!
If not you, who?
If not now, when?
Some fathers spend more time with their kids in one day than some do in one week, or even one month!!
What’s the difference?
Time spent with your child shows your love by action.
We need both quality and quantity time with our kids.
We need to include them in our world, and include ourselves in their world.
Here are some examples of what I do with my kids. These are areas where we’ve found common ground to play together:
2. Trampoline jumping
5. Playing Legos and Matchbox cars
6. Playing board games
7. Doing crafts
You get the picture find common ground and leverage the time with your kids.
You must be intentional and methodical and sequential if you are to be successful in this endeavor of spending quality time with your kids. This means:
1. Date your kids…Go to Starbucks, the bakery or bagel store, McDonald’s, ice cream parlor, or whatever.
2. Put them in your day timer or in Outlook.
3. Schedule them as you would your most precious appointment… because that’s what they are.
Have daily and weekly scheduled routines together, including:
· Meal times… the best place to teach your kids your values, heritage, and spiritual foundation.
· Bedtimes… a key point in showing love, closing the day gently, and praying together.
· Weekly rituals… Friday night pizza, movie night, the family night etc
· Running errands… always bring a kid with you on car rides. Again, leverage the time.
· Chores and projects… build relationships and teach a good work ethic, all in one package!
Let’s address the “I don’t have time” excuse.
Everyone has time, no exceptions.
We give time to what we value the most….
Create time today that you would normally spend on TV, the Internet, sports, hobbies, boating, hunting golfing, or just being lazy.
Begin to incrementally give it to your children!
Just hang out with your family and kids because you want to and get to.
Not because you HAVE TO…
It is a clear and solid choice of attitude and motivation.
We GET to hang out with our kids. We are blessed and privileged!
How could you be more intentional and incremental in dating your kids?
Dream it, plan it, write it, and do it!
If not you, who?
If not now, when?
As a father, it’s critical that you know and understand your kids. Your effective fathering depends on seeing your child as an individual, separate from you, with strengths, weaknesses, preferences, ideas, and goals that are all his or her own. When you clearly grasp who your child is as an individual, you can then work to encourage him to utilize his strengths to achieve his goals. You can support her in her interests. You can enjoy your child as a unique person.
Study your children to see in what areas they excel. Are they particularly good at negotiation? At sports or other physical endeavors? Do they communicate especially well through the spoken or written word? Are they deeply compassionate, caring, and careful of the feelings of others?
Identify their strengths and point them out to your kids. Kids like to see their strong points noted and appreciated as much as we adults do! Also, pointing out your child’s strengths to him helps him to further utilize and develop those strengths.
As important as identifying your children’s strengths is being able and willing to identify their faults and weaknesses and begin to address them.
Having the courage to take a hard look at your child’s personal failures and weaknesses will enable you to begin to come behind them and support them.
This exercise, when done in love, can open the door for your fatherly coaching, encouragement, and training. Choose your timing; it is easier to hear and acknowledge a fault or weakness if it is pointed out in a setting of support and love. Make sure your kid knows that you’re bringing the topic up only because you want the best for him, because you want to help him grow and mature, not because you want to belittle or demean him.
Of course, we will see our kids act out their weaknesses when they misbehave. Before you begin to dole out punishment for the misbehavior, though, it makes sense to try to understand the reasons behind the behavior.
For example, kids act out when they’re hungry, tired, sick, emotionally needy, or even need to poop. The key then becomes your ability to study and analyze the whole picture behind how your child is acting.
Can you see through their eyes and identify with empathy why they’re acting as they are?
This requires more than operating on a preconceived notion, your own knee-jerk emotional reaction, or a swift observation of the situation.
You must be willing to take the time and use the resources to get to know your kid. What is bothering, challenging, or troubling them? Is it physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, social, or something else you haven’t thought of? A quick and cursory look will not reveal what you must figure out to know your kids in order to support them.
How can we possibly give support, help, or guidance without knowing the root causes of the problems and issues our kids face?
It’s up to us as fathers to be keen observers of our kids, and to study their strengths and their weaknesses that we may support them. Neglect and apathy is your number one enemy here.
Do you study your kids and know their strengths?
Do you know their weaknesses?
Are you currently resourcing their strengths and training and coaching their weaknesses?
Where your child’s three main strengths?
What are your child’s three main weaknesses?
If not you, then who will do this?
If not now, when?
The marriage institution is in trouble according to multiple studies in the U.S., with a 55% failure rate.
What will you do in actionable terms to have a solid marriage? Can you apply yourself and your resources strategically and work toward the end of having a solid, grounded, balanced, and alive marriage with your wife?
A good marriage sets the stage for good fathering. Your kids need security in the world, in their home, and in their lives.
A good marriage provides a sense of peace, order, and love within the home. It provides the foundation for all good fathering practices to take place.
We must model being a good husband for our kids, as they will take our model and become like us as they grow older.
I’m becoming my dad and I didn’t plan on it! We learn and catch many things from our own dads.
We must date our wives. We need to make time to communicate, to be together, to talk, to pray, to be alone, and to have fun in order to model a positive husband role to our kids
Communication is the key, and the venue frankly doesn’t matter.
We like going to Costco on dates! We pick up the week’s groceries, and also a slice of pizza and salad to enjoy in the car by the Bay. Think of your own venue and what you like to do best.
Moreover, think of what your wife likes to do best. Does she like to:
· Go on walks?
· Go to Starbucks?
· Sit and talk over a dinner out?
· Go on a car drive or a bike ride?
· Go shopping?
The point is, figure it out and go do it with her!
This weekly dating of your wife will pay off big dividends in a healthy marriage, family and society.
Is your wife on your agenda?
What’s the condition of your marriage right now?
How’s your communication with your wife?
If not you, who?
If not now, when?
What’s the job of a coach?
The job of the coach is to help people accomplish what they want to do, but will not do well or even do at all, without coaching.
The job of a coach is also to see what gifts and abilities others cannot see in those they coach.
A coach is a leader. Coaches get people to do things they never thought of, think they cannot do, or maybe do not want to do.
Your own fathering “coach persona” drives the action in your Fathering Plan.
Your “coach persona” may listen to excuses, but will not let excuses stop you from winning at the game of fathering. The decision and responsibility is yours alone. You are accountable.
So what is your “next best”? How you get there?
Who can and will help you be a better father? Can you find and follow a few good examples and role models of fathers that were no better than you, but maybe just a little more experienced?
Can you then spend time with those mentors, go deep, learn and then emulate what they do to strengthen your commitment as a quality dad?
Can you seek out sources of support through a different strategy? What about:
· Books or tapes, CDs and DVDs
· Introspection, writing, and journaling
· Fathers who’ve been there before, solved it, and have the scars to prove it
· Internet articles, magazines, radio shows, and podcasts
It is all out there for the taking. We simply must be intentional.
This commitment to focus on the right direction and getting wise counsel on fathering leads to better follow-through in learning the dynamics of building relationships with our kids.
The corollary to this principle is that we must jettison people, influences, activities, and friends who detract from our successful Fathering Plan.
They must not be allowed to obscure our mission goals or strategies to be better fathers.
You and I must get rid of poor influences and “friends” that are cross currents with good fathering. These could be otherwise good, fun, and normal relationships. The issue here is the usurping of time and energies, which should be devoted first to family and specifically toward your children.
Will you seek out resources, including father mentors, with whom you will develop a relationship, from whom you will learn?
Are you accountable to anyone with your Father Plan? Is there anyone with whom you have a trusting relationship who can help keep you on track?
What will you do to get resourced?
If not you, who?
If not now, when?
Leadership means many things to many people. I think it means being proactive, being the first, and:
· Taking the initiative
· Setting the standard
· Managing effectively
· Planning often and well
· Resourcing whenever possible
· Identifying the vision, goals, and priorities
· Setting the example, always
A good leader takes responsibility and says; “The buck stops here!” when something is not right.
Leaders show the way and model through active example what they’re trying to express and accomplish.
They press on and press in, and they run counter to the culture of convenience and quick fixes. They refuse to get sidetracked by the “bright and shiny objects”, the diversions, and side-eddies of our culture.
They strain and strive with intentionality and energy to build relationships and create a legacy, a heritage, and a family. They do much of this by simply taking the initiative, being intentional and planning by writing and accomplishing compelling goals that are relationship-based.
Dad, you are the key, you are the man. Now be one.
You must be intimately in touch with your mission, goals, and objectives as a family man, husband, and father.
This requires discipline, selflessness, living your priorities, and time management.
You must leverage the hours of your day and to intentional in everything you do.
Time is the only resource you’re guaranteed to have.
The key here is to write down what you want… dream it, plan it, and do it.
The questions are…
1. Who are you?
2. What do you want?
3. Why are you here?
4. What is not working, that you would like to see work?
5. What is happening now, that should like to see vanish?
The answer to these questions will determine your “ brand” as a father and as a leader.
What “brand” are you now?
What” brand” do you want to be?
Here are some thoughts on leaving a legacy and heritage:
What will they say when you’re gone?
A good father transfers the following attributes and character qualities to his children…
· Love for God (as you understand Him) and people
· Ethics/ knowledge
· Wisdom and understanding
· Love and compassion and kindness
· Positive attitude and motivation
Great fathering requires us as dads to raise children in the way they would be best served.
They are individuals, not part of a cookie-cutter machine.
Therefore, we need to work with our kids on their level, meeting their needs, resourcing, respecting, and fostering the individuality of each child.
We must study to know them and then resource their gifts, attributes, and skills. No two children are alike.
This all requires patience on our part to work on their level, one or two things at a time.
Slowly, with a patient father’s heart.
Who is leading your family?
Who is leading your children?
If not you, who?
If not now, when?
As fathers, we have a choice.
It’s a choice regarding investment- not necessarily of money, stocks, and bonds, but of time and what I call life units. What could be more important than your family?
It’s your choice; you’re free to decide how you will invest your life units.
Will it be for experiences?
Or, perhaps you could invest your life units in your family, your kids, in leaving a legacy, a heritage, and a quality-of-life inheritance for your loved ones.
You won’t be perfect, but you can be intentional, sequential, methodical, and directional in this vital goal. If you are, you have no choice but to succeed!
However, you might need help along the way. The question is, are you willing to ask?
Some of the resources you might need to be humble enough to ask for will be…
1. Support from your wife
2. Fathers(or other family members) and mentors
3. Support from your kids
4. Educational resources, such as books, CDs, tapes, DVDs, and the Web
5. Goal-setting tools and techniques
6. A Father Plan for accountability with others whom you trust and love
How much do you care?
How important is your family to you?
How invested are you in your kids?
Be honest with yourself and others.
Are you willing to do the work? Pay the price? Take the steps?
It’s truly up to you to become the architect of your own Father Plan. In this effort, none of us can afford to be self-deceived, haphazard, or halfhearted when it comes to deciding and acting on the Plan.
So ask yourself the following questions again and again…
1. Who am I?
2. What do I want?
3. Why am I here?
4. What’s not happening now that I would like to see happen?
5. What’s happening now that I would like to see stop?
What will it be, dad?
When is it gonna be?
Make a decision, do something!
Fathers, you are the architects, and you’ve got to become comfortable enough to lead and to put together your “Father Plan”.
You’ve got to start somewhere, so how ‘bout this?
Think about the saying: “A goal is a dream with a deadline.”
1. Dream, plan, write, and share two or three goals that you have as a father
2. Post your goals in a prominent place and review them on a regular basis
3. Be accountable to yourself and someone else to accomplish the goals.
4. When you fail and fall short (which you will; we all do)… move on, press forward. and start back up where you left off. Have forgiveness and grace on yourself, your kids, your spouse, and others.
The key here is attitude. You don’t HAVE to do these things. But, you GET to do these things.
Your motivation and attitude is everything so decide now in the seat of your will that this is a priority to you, and you will succeed at it!
When will you get started on your Father Plan?
How will it look when you schedule your kids into your life and keep your appointments with them?
What will it take for you to be the initiator and leader with the plan and in your family?
If not you, who?
If not now, when?
How about you…. and how about right now.
Good Dad Bad Dad…Bio
Scott Hammond is a professional speaker, trainer, writer, and father of 9 kids. He lives in McKinleyville (Humboldt County), California, with his wonderful wife, Joni. Scott can be contacted at scott@BecomeaBetterFather.com or 707-616-7665.
I. What Is A Dynamite Topic?
A. One that people remember
B. Gets you booked
C. Not the same as a hot or trendy topic
II. Hot Topics
A. These are the same as they’ve always been
B. The problem with hot topics
Too much competition
III. Trendy Topics
A. Hot for a short time
I’m an expert on sales & marketing
A lot of people speak on these topics
B. The danger with trendy topics is that they die out
IV. Why you want a dynamite topic
A. Reduces the competition
Think of how many motivational speakers there are
B. Makes it easier to sell
You don’t have t time or money to market to everyone
Narrows your audience
Think about marketing a motivational keynote
Maybe you could narrow it down to sales motivation
Next make it selling services
How about selling real estate services
C. Makes you more memorable
There are plenty of people who speak on negotiations
V. The Importance of Passion
A. The importance of passion
Why you need passion
You will spend a lot of time on t subject
Could be hours
Could be hundreds of hours
Could be days
B. Finding your passion
What books interest you?
Where do you automatically go in a bookstore?
What’s on your bookshelf at home?
What do you read about?
(Write them down)
What television programs do you watch?
What television programs do you watch?
(Write them down)
Is there a topic that people keep asking you for?
That’s one you should concentrate on
VI. There Are Riches In Niches
A. Why you need a niche
There’s way too much competition in hot topics
Most of us will never be famous enough to own a hot topic
It’s best if you can develop your own niche
C. What do you know that no one else knows?
The market wants experts who speak, not speaker who are experts
They want information they can use in their work or lives now
Complaint about “all fluff & no stuff”
You can become an expert at almost anything w/1 hr of study a day
B. Can you provide a unique perspective on an old topic?
7 Habits of Highly Successful People is not new
It is a unique perspective
C. What do you know that no one else knows?
D. What makes you unique?
You need to know if you will be able to own the niche
Do you have credibility in a specific topic?
Degrees, designations, books, articles
What have you learned?
E. What challenges have you overcome that others have not?
Our great speaker W. Mitchell was horribly crippled in a motorcycle accident
Then he was disfigured in a plane crash
His story of survival is awe inspiring
F. What unique perspective do you have on your subject?
Be controversial – if you can
(Write down your experiences)
G. A niche is a group of people, not a subject
Who would pay to hear your subject?
VII. Audience Analysis
A. Ask yourself “What is the audience for this topic?”
B. It must be large enough to support you
Some audiences may not be big enough
If so, you are too tightly niched
Doesn’t have to be t biggest market
I make a great living speaking to home builders on how to sell to diverse cults
I even have a book just for them (show book)
C. Will they pay?
Some audiences will not pay to hear your topic
Will they pay to hear your solution to their problems?
D. What will they pay?
VIII. Developing A Niche
A. What do you know that’s unique
B. Do you have credibility?
You may have studied a very specific subject very intensely
People w/doctorate degrees are very broad
It’s harder to become an expert than simply expanding your expertise
You are already an expert in something
Finding what it is can be a challenge
C. Do you have unique perspectives
Rush Limbaugh has unique perspectives
D. What problem needs solving?
What keeps your audiences up at night?
This should be the focus of your topic
IX. Niche Your Niche
A. This is the key to memorability
B. It’s much easier to own the niche
You can become a celebrity in a small much quicker than large market
C. Makes it much easier to market
X. Other sources of ideas for topics
A. Industry magazines
The articles generally deal with the issues & problems of readers
What topics are hot?
What issues keep coming up over & over?
B. Get on conference mailing lists
These are seminar topics that are hot now
Can you provide a unique perspective?
C. Go to industry trade shows
Talk to people
Look at booths
D. Call trade associations & talk to them
Talk to experts
E. Be controversial if you can
People like contrarian views
XI. Hot Titles
A. Must have a hot title otherwise no one will remember it
3-5 words is best
6. Ask a provocative question
(Determine your highest priority & develop a good title)
7. Answer a tough question
8. Solve a difficult problem
XII. Testing Your Topic
Once you have a topic you must carefully analyze it
After all, this is a business
C. Do audiences ask for more?
Do people ask you to expand on it
Do people ask you to present it in different industries
Do people offer to pay you for it?
XIII. Honing Your Topic
A. Present it in low-risk forums
Animal circuit if a business topic
Moose, Elks, Lions, Rotary Clubs, Chambers of Commerce
Churches & other groups if not a business topic
B. Add New Material
What questions does the audience ask?
Find the answer and add it in
Eventually I had a book
Expand what works
C. Delete the superfluous
Get rid of the fluff
Drop what doesn’t work
Change it to meet t need of your audience
Your audience will tell you what they want to hear
What questions do they ask?
Find the answers & incorporate it into your program
XIV. Own Your Niche
A. Write articles
Great free marketing tool
I have a publicist who place my articles
B. Write books
Nothing more than an expensive business card
They will usually not throw it away
C. Appear on TV & radio
If your topic is unique enough
You can become a celebrity in a niche
D. Develop products for your niche
People want to take you home
XV. Determining Your Fees
A. Charge more than you think you are worth
Remember, you are unique
B. Never be fully booked
If you are your fee is too low
C. What clients should never say OK
D. Keep raising your fees
Having a unique topic will earn you top $
Courtesy Michael Lee
Before the presentation:
1. DO: Practice. Practice. Practice. Practice always makes a perfect presentation.
2. DO: Dress to impress. This shows respect for your audience. Why not? It is always more pleasant to
watch and listen to someone who takes their speaking and presentation seriously.
3. DO: Get to know your audience before the presentation. Meet at least one or two people from the audience before the presentation. Then bring up their names during the presentation to build rapport with the audience.
4. DO: Understand who your audience is ahead of time. Are you talking to a group of bankers or government officials? Any breaking news lately about their organization? What is their pain? What are they looking for? What kind of expectations do they have for you?
5. DO: Check your equipment. Check any microphone, laptop, projectors, etc. Make sure they all work.
6. DO: Empty your pockets. No one wants to hear your keys or anything else making noise while you are presenting.
7. DO: Turn your cell phone off or put it on silent.
8. DO: Take care of your hair. Make sure no hair will drop in your face.
9. DO: Bring your business cards.
10. DON’T: Try not to eat right before a presentation. You never know about the food.
11. DON’T: Don’t be late! Arrive at least 15 – 30 minutes before you are supposed to present. Give yourself plenty of time to settle in and get your thoughts together.
When you first begin the presentation:
12. DO: Introduce yourself. Don’t assume anything. Depending on time allowed, give a 30 second to 5 minute introduction of yourself.
13. DO: Ask questions. Asking the audience questions is a great way to make sure they are awake and keeping them feeling involved from the start.
14. DO: Tell a personal story. This is simple and effective way to help your audience to get to know you. Make them your friends.
15. DO: Tell them what you are going to tell them. Give them a quick introduction on the objective of your presentation and what are they going to learn or understand by the end of your presentation.
16. DON’T: Don’t try to make jokes if you are not good at it. This can be very dangerous!
During the presentation:
17. DO: Eye contact. Your firm eye contact will convey your confidence. Act like you own the room. Do not glance around the room too fast. Spend at least three to five seconds on each person. Each person wants to feel that you are only talking to them.
18. DO: Smile. Act like you are having a great time! Better yet, have a great time!
19. DO: Speak up. If don’t have a microphone, project your voice a bit louder than you might think to make sure the back of the room can hear you. It’s good to ask the people in the back of the room to make sure they can hear you; it’s a nice courtesy and also helps them feel included.
20. DON’T: Watch your posture. Stand up straight. Don’t walk around too much or do any non-purposeful movements. Unnecessary movements can distract your audience.
21. DO: Use the right words. Try not to use too many acronyms or terms that few people may understand. Connect with your audience and explain in simple terms where possible.
22. DON’T: Be careful with your hands. Again, move your arms and hands purposefully. If you don’t need to use them, just rest them at your sides. Don’t put your hands in your pockets.
23. DO: Rhythm. Pace your speech to a steady rhythm. Not too fast or too slow. Make sure everyone can hear you clearly.
24. DO: Show your excitement about the topic. Increase your voice volume and/or slow down your speech when you are presenting important points.
25. DO: Show your emotion when needed. Slow down when you are trying to present an important point.
Ending the presentation:
26. DO: Conclude by repeating your main points you covered during the presentation.
27.DO: Conclude with a quote. Audiences always remember a good quote.
28.DO: Conclude with a story. Audiences always remember a nice story.
29.DO: Conclude with a call to action. Tell your audience what they should do next after your presentation.
30.DO: If you have a question and answer session, before you answer the question, repeat the question asked by your audience to make sure everyone can hear the question. This keeps everyone involved through the end.
31. DO: Thank the audience. Show them your appreciation. Show them you want to be there.
After the presentation:
32. DO: Continue the relationship. Follow up with your audience either through a phone call, e-mail, or regular mail.
33. DO: Plan to spend at least 30 minutes after the conclusion if time allows at the venue. This will enable you to further connect with your audience. You’ll be surprised at the number of people who will want to talk with you after you’ve delivered an effective presentation.
thanks edith yeung