Whiners,Gossipers, and Complainers Take Heed!

My father in law just gave my wife and I one of those rubber wrist bands–Like the Lance Armstrong “Live Strong” ones of a few years ago.

This one is purple and has a whole different purpose!

The idea is to use it as a queuing device to quit complaining, sniveling, and whining about life–Every time you complain, you must snap or change the band to the other arm.

My wristband is already stretched out and worn….Boo Hoo/Waa Waa!

The website for instructions and ordering is:  www.aComplaintFreeWorld.org

The results are AWESOME….and we are having a ball “catching” both ourselves and each other complaining.

I see this working on the same Toastmaster Principle of beginning to catch your own and others non-fluencies such as “um”s, “and’s”,  ”uh’s”, and “ya knows”.

Funny how something this simple can break a poisonous habit of gossip, negativity, and permeating pessimism.

Go for it….this a brilliant and easy way to make a fundamental life change for the New Year!

Disipline and Fathering Part 2.

“Boys want to know three things,” says 72-year-old Lew Powers, a 20-year veteran Boy Scout director. ‘One, who’s the boss? Two, what are the rules? And three, are you going to enforce them?’ To have a strong relationship with a boy, you have to be the boss, and a very kind one. Only set rules that you can enforce, and always enforce them. Then you have the basis for a relationship. From here comes respect and more importantly, trust.”

Being a good father means you discipline from a plan, not from emotion. Most fathers tend to shy away from traditional behavior systems, relying heavily on their ability to “discipline in the moment.” I have found in my practice that this is not a good way to go. In fact, to be perfectly honest, I find that it is one of our male weaknesses, such as failing to ask for directions when we know we are lost. In both cases, we need to use a map. And a behavioral map entails sitting down and plotting your course. What are your rules? Are you willing to enforce them in the same way every time? What will you do when you become aware that your child has left you severely frustrated? Will you yell? Will you say hurtful things that you’ll later apologize for? Make your map and chart your course.

Some brief notes on discipline:

Discipline strategies used by mother and father should be the same.

3 strikes you’re out
2 warnings
Consequences and rewards used by mother and father should be the same
Time out
Restriction

Raising your voice to get your child’s attention is not a problem as long as:

You are not out of control.
It doesn’t shame your child.
It doesn’t put your child in a position to care for you.
Raising your voice does have its risks. Your children will meet the bar that you set:
If you yell, they will yell.
If you shut down, they will shut down.
If you keep your poise, they will keep theirs.
DON’T HIT! This damages a child’s self-esteem and ability to bond and attach emotionally.

Time and Fathering…Part 1.

Writer and Father David Swanson shares his thoughts on what it takes to be a better father. In part one of this four part series David focuses on time.

Before having children, we fantasized about what it would be like to be a father. For some, it was peanuts, popcorn, and baseball games. For others it was placing their chair and table in their upright positions and flying away to far-off places. But one thing’s for sure. The fantasy never entailed working long hours, stressing about finances or career obligations, or fighting with a wife over how to raise the kids.

As a father of three, I decided that I was not going to settle for being the absent father who accepted the reality that, “being a good father means being a provider. And being a good provider means limited time with my kids.” I wanted to be the father I fantasized about, and I was willing to do whatever it took. Not too long ago, I was forced to do just that.

About five years ago, I was working 50-60 hours a week in a busy practice as a child and family psychologist in Encino, CA. My practice grew and grew until I was working 6 days a week, most days until 9 at night. I wanted to cut back because I wanted to be at home with my children. But I was afraid that if I cut back on my hours, people would assume that my practice was full and they would stop referring me. This would mean potentially losing our home and my practice.

A very smart and kind pediatrician friend encouraged me to take the risk. “You need to be at home with your kids,” he advised me. “If you don’t have any available times for clients after school, parents will take their kids out of school to see you.” After hearing my oldest son complain of my absence, I became determined to take my friend’s advice and reduce my hours. I decided that I would leave the office by 6 pm and I would not work on weekends. This was an incredibly stressful time. But fortunately the advice my friend gave me was correct. People did bring their children in during school hours. We didn’t lose our home. To this day, I believe it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Sure, we had to take a step down in lifestyle, but I don’t think my kids care. I don’t know if they really even noticed.

Today, I coach their sports teams, we jump in the trampoline, we have Nerf gun wars at home (yes, in the house!), and we just got back from the Leo Carrillo Tide Pools where we hunted for starfish. I am the father in my fantasy. In my practice, I am often visited by fathers who wish they could be the father in their fantasy. These fathers often ask the question, “Where do I start?” When we evaluate their “father fantasy,” we usually come up with four core areas on which they choose to focus. I have laid out these four areas below.

Time

Tim Russert, former host of NBC’s Meet the Press and author of Wisdom of Our Fathers, said, “You can shower a child with presents or money, but what do they really mean, compared to the most valuable gift of all—your time? Vacations and special events are nice, but so often the best moments are the spontaneous ones. Every moment you spend with your child could be the one that really matters.”

The fact of the matter is that you are either a “present” father or a father who is “absent.” You cannot plan for life. You will never know when your child will utter his first word. You will never know when he will take his first steps. And you will never know when his first girlfriend will break up with him. Life happens and it is not subject to a plan. You are either there or you’re not. Planning vacations and special time are very important in moving closer to your family. Your child will always remember the Disneyland trips, the skiing vacations, and snorkeling in Hawaii. But will you be there when he is forced to deal with the pains of life?

The $1.50 Hot Date at Cost Co

What kind of life do I have when the highlight of my week is a date with my wife at Costco?

With 9 kids, you can imagine it’s difficult to have any quality time to talk, reflect, communicate, or simply get on the same page with your spouse. My premise here is to show just how spending time together, no matter where it is, is the key to a great marriage.
I’ll tell you about the story of our Costco date, the benefits of our time away, and the satisfaction it brings me to be with my wife.

We start with a list. We must do an inventory of what we need to buy at Costco—paper products, cereal, refried beans, milk, eggs, frozen items, etc. etc..

Then comes the drive, where we catch up with on the week’s activities and just generally talk about life.
Here is where we set the stage for some time of good communication and quality time together.

Going into Costco is always fun, as there are several regulars who are colorful, wonderful, and friendly.
I do have to pull myself away from the high-definition televisions that my wife will not let me own.
We inevitably see other couples on their Costco date as well.

One of the highlights is the tasty samples, and of course looking for the great deal.
I just found some really cool Docker sweats for only nine dollars!

We grab our food at the food court, where Judy always asks about our kids and if indeed we’re on another date. We say yes, of course, and exchange pleasantries.

Now comes the time to carefully load up our catch and drive to the selected spot of the day to enjoy our quiet dinner-a sumptuous repast par excellent!
Here’s where we talk about the deeper things; kids, goals, schedules, God, the upcoming week, and life in general.

Time for the drive home. Sometimes we stop at Starbucks, which always is a great way to end a Costco run. We get home now, and the kids unload the Costco booty and are delighted to see stuff that they wanted. And we needed.

I discover that I do have a life when the highlight of my week is a Costco run/date with my wife.
Life is good. When I have time away with my best friend to shop, have dinner, go to Starbucks, and just have fun.

What am I lacking at this time?
Nothing.

Happy 26th Birthday Jacob

Jacob Hammond–
I love many things about you…
Your hanging out with me during your time of growing up .
Your sense of humor.
Your spending time with me, doing chores, projects, and jobs around the house/property.
Your selfless generosity to your family and friends.
Your fierce friendship when sticking up for others.
Giving rides, money, pizza, and ice cream to those to whom it meant much.
Your kindness to strangers,business clients, and customers.
Your diligence at work, school, and home
Your brotherly nature and love for your family.
Your telling me about your day.
Your servant’s heart.

This was written a few years ago and applies even more today.

You are a God Guy who loves freely and we are infinitely proud and glad to have you as our son.

Happy 26th Birthday son!

Dad

Vision, Mission and You

Vision and Mission

Start with the big picture—put first things first.

Experts in the fields of psychology and personal effectiveness now recognize it if you feel upset or an uneasy about your lack of personal time, it’s not because you have too much to do.  It’s because you not satisfied with most of what you do.  Determine what’s most important in your life.

1. Ask such questions as what’s most important?
2. What gives your life meaning?
3. What do you want to be and to do with your life?

Clarity on these issues is critical because the answers to these questions affect everything else in your life—your goals, the decisions you make in the way you spend your time, and so much more.

The need for a balanced life—

If you don’t think balance in your life is vitally important to your happiness, success and health. Consider this: there is considerable evidence showing that mishandled stress at home interferes with work performance, and mishandled job pressure creates and magnifies problems at home.  Research shows that the quality of your personal relationships strongly influences job productivity, disease resistance and longevity.  Conversely, people who have value power over family and friendships appear to have a harder time fighting off disease and sickness.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Can success in one area of life compensate for failure in another?
2. Can success in your profession compensate for a broken marriage or ruined health?
3. Can success in the community justify failure as a parent?

Important: success or failure in any role you have contributes to the quality of every other role, and your life as a whole.  Keep balance in your life.  Identify your various roles and keep them right in front of you so that you don’t neglect important areas such as your health, your family, your community involvement, or personal development.  Evaluating your various roles and attaching a new level of priority in each is another important step in becoming balanced and aligned and a whole person.

Enjoy life—

The matter what your circumstance or how uncertain future, you can still be filled with enjoyment, humor, and a good attitude.  Don’t let fear or anxiety keep you from experiencing the happiness that life has to offer.  Go to a local park, enjoy the fresh air, and have fun.  Have friends over for dinner.  Spend time with family.  Think about what activities you enjoy and go do them!

Leadership and 5 Secrets of Legacy

Leadership means many things to many people…I think it means being proactive… being the first:

• Taking the initiative
• Setting the standard
• Managing
• Planning
• Resourcing
• Identifying vision, goals and priorities
• A good leader takes responsibility and says” the buck stops here”.
• Leaders show the way and model by example what they’re trying to accomplish.
• Leaders press on and press in, and they run counter to the culture of convenience… they refuse to get stuck in the “bright and shiny objects”, diversions, and side eddies of our culture.
• Leaders strain and strive with intentionality and energy to build relationships and create a legacy and heritage and their families…. I do much of this is simply by taking the initiative, being intentional and planning by writing and accomplishing compelling goals that are relationship based…

Leaving a Legacy of Leadership

Who does not want to leave a positive legacy!
We want to leave a heritage to my family, friends, church and community at large.

Think about your personal leadership, through which you leave us a legacy to those behind you. See life as a chance to identify your purpose, position, passion, and posture.

What shapes you?  Intentions?  Motives?  Opinions?  Thoughts?  Responses?  What shapes your words, attitudes, deeds, reactions, and more?

So what is leadership, do you have it?
How do you get it?
What are you leaving behind now?
What do you want to leave behind?
What will change in order for you to do the above?
How do you get there from here?

To impress or to influence…
would you rather impress someone or truly have an influence in their life?  Impressions are on the surface, therefore, are often superficial.
Influence on the other hand, is often real, honest, and requires far more ability.
Influence necessitates communication with people and the cessation of self absorption.

Your life’s lessons…
Many of our life’s lessons are made up from our experiences, relationships, and mistakes. Have you been honest with your fears, failures, frustrations, and feelings?

The above serve to shape your life’s message. That life’s message consists of a spiritual component, your life’s lessons, your life’s passions, and indeed, your life’s mission. Most of what we call failure can be transformed to tangible lessons we can share with those we have relationships with; pain transformed to purpose and passion.

Every leader has 5 components that define him or her.

1. Let’s talk about your POSITION…
Are you in a position to be credible, vulnerable, real, and genuine?
Are you believable, touchable, straight up, humane, and do you have integrity?

2.  Every leader must have his PURPOSE.
People are the priority.
Are you able to connect with people are you a relationship builder?
Do you serve and meet needs?
Do you truly love other people?
Can you allow love to define your purpose and thereby your leadership legacy?

3. The third element of leadership is your POSTURE.
Do you live in a posture of being open, teachable, and always learning?  Are you able to lose preconceived notions ideas and attitudes?  You walk in the Spirit and live in the art of possibility in your day-to-day living?

4. One last element is your PASSION.
Passions define leadership.
What are you passionate about?  Are you a spokesperson for your passions?  What causes, groups of people, or issues do you champion?

5. Your Mission in life.
Do you want to leave a legacy of love for those around you?
Then have quality relationships with people.  Be an example to follow.  Serve others.

Leaving a legacy of leadership also means the facing and overcoming of adversity.  How you deal with adversity defines you. Are you bitter, or better?
You will need faith to face your challenges. Then you can come through, as someone who can truly serve others and help them in their time of need.

A  LEADER–

• A leader knows where she is going, why she is going, and how to get there
• A leader knows no discouragement, presents no alibi
• A leader knows how to lead without being dictatorial; true leaders are humble
• A leader leads for the good of the most concerned, and not for personal gratification of his or her own ideas
• A leader looks for the best in those he or she serves
• A leader marches with a group, and interprets correctly the signs of the pathway that leads to success
• A leader has his or her head in the clouds, but his or her feet on the ground
• A true leader considers leadership as an opportunity for service
• A leader is one who has not sought the high places, but who’s been drafted into service because of his or her ability and willingness to serve
• A leader listens, communicates, and cares
• A leader has courageous conversations
• A leader manages time, money, resources and is a good steward
• A leader washes dishes, cleans the bathrooms, and does what’s needed
• A leader does not look for, nor require, kudos

In conclusion, we all need to–
Find our voice and use it toward our life’s passions, purpose, posture, and position to leave a legacy of leadership. Find your voice and your gifts, and use your voice and your gifts. Lastly, help others find their voice and their gifts, so they too may leave a lasting legacy of leadership and a heritage of love.

How to Leave a Spiritual Legacy

SPIRITUAL LEGACY—GOD STUFF

We know that God works all things for good for those who love him, for those called according to His purpose.” St. Paul

Where do you start with on the spiritual stuff?
Much of this subject has been debated by brilliant minds for centuries.
How does one translate ones faith to their children or loved ones without some fundamental disconnects in communication? How do we talk in a common dialect? What is the commonality? What are the common assumptions? There aren’t many…. We are a post-Christian nation with a mishmash and hodgepodge of spiritual and not so spiritual values and beliefs systems. These often contradict, are illogical, and sometimes patently nonsensical. These belief systems are almost always adopted in the name of diversity, tolerance and usually some measure of self-serving accommodation to what we really desire in their own self-made religion. We therefore create God in our image. We create God in an image that we like and accommodates what we believe is true. This is spiritual and intellectual hypocrisy in its highest form. It negates what is known about God, and seems to be the new religion of the masses.
It is all so over talked, used, abused, and mishandled so that it’s a tough subject to treat with any hope of non-bias, open-mindedness, possibility thinking. It seems that everybody has their own spirituality of one sort or another. To address anything spiritual seems to attack individuals on sort of a personal level. This defensive position precludes any positive or open dialogue that might lead to new information or even new awakening.
Kind of pathetic, wouldn’t you say?

A relationship with God—
Relationship with God is premised on spiritual values in truth, which encompass common purpose, foundation, priorities, and truth.
There is such a universal misunderstanding of God, spirituality, Christianity, and anything religious in our society. That makes it tough to translate one’s faith into a positive dialogue of understanding and mutual comprehension.
Let’s give it a go anyway…
A relationship with God begins with an understanding of grace and mercy and receiving his love for genuine faith and belief. It begins with forgiveness, freedom restoration and healing of the wounds in the hurts of life. What follows is that we can begin to understand that we’re forgiven and free. This is a bona fide sense of restoration and refreshment.

A walk and friendship with God—
A quiet time of devotion, usually in the morning, is a great venue to learn about God and to begin to hear truth in the context of quietness, faith, hope and love. Childlike faith and innocence are key here. Having daily communion with God in prayer, and having a relationship, which promotes a rapport with Him is where it all starts. To begin to get a sense of God’s direction for your life on an inner heart level is the beginning of this friendship. To know the father heart of God is love is to begin to understand what He is after in our lives. This relationship is based on a response to His love and kindness as opposed to fear-based relationship of dominance or heavy handedness.
One can then focus on growing in their faith. This is way beyond simple knowledge or information download of facts and figures and data. What we are talking about here is a relationship based on a friendship with God in the context of a relationship with spending time in prayer, meditation, quietness and listening. Grace is paramount as the foundation; God loves and honors you…just because. Bible study becomes more than a daily chore or download with the Holy Spirit making the pages of the Bible alive and living— change/transformation becomes possible.

Translating this love of God to our kids—
1. How do I translate something as intangible as love and faith toward God to my kids?
2. How do I adequately model and live with this belief/faith/paradigmto those that love the most?
3. How do I properly translate the God to my children?
4. Who’s up for such a task is this?
5. How do I not make the same mistakes as so many fathers before me, who failed or ignored the mandate to show their kids the true love of God?
I have a mandate and an inner compelling to want to give my kids at least a small vision of the father heart of God and to show them his heart/kindness through my actions, words and deeds.
How can I get connected enough to God to genuinely be a conduit of his love for His purpose?
Once I have that connection, how do I then form a lifelong relationship with by children? Then I can pass along more than to spiritual values—a true life-changing relationship to the God of the universe who truly loves us all?

This is the stuff of Spiritual Legacy. This is the deeper stuff of life and parenting. This is the core of fathering and parenting. Fail at this and fail as a parent.

Relationship vs. Religion with God

Tools of Effective Legacy: a Relationship with God
The most important “tool” is a genuine relationship with God, both as an individual and as a family.
Writing about our relationship with God is extremely difficult. So let’s start with what it is not.
It is not:
1. About attending church
2. About giving money
3. About being” good “
4. About being religious
5. About being condemning, condescending, or arrogant about one’s faith
6. About religious activity, service, or lifestyle
What it is about:
1. Knowing and understanding God’s Word–the Bible and reading and meditating on it regularly.
2. Understanding and having a genuine salvation/saving relationship with God by faith in Christ.
3. Being a person who prays on a regular basis, who has two-way conversations with God.
4. Being a person who’s quick to repent, be humble, and truly make things right, admitting it when you are wrong.
5. Being a person who’s willing to serve others, even at your own expense.
6. Living an obedient life, not out of obligation, but out of thankfulness and deep gratitude for all God has done for you.
7. Allowing God’s full expression in your thoughts, deeds, words, motivation, attitude, resources, and so much more.
8. Being a person who puts her walk with God as the number one priority in life, through prayer, Bible study, praise, worship, sharing my faith, serving my church and community and all fellow humans.
9. Obeying God in the small stuff, being sensitive to details and doing the right thing even when no one is looking….even when it hurts.
10. Relaxing, taking deep breaths, simply appreciating the life and the love God has given you, realizing you cannot add to this love. You can only respond to it by living in the moment, and being the obedient son/daughter He’s asked that you to be.
11. Utilizing the gifts and the resources He’s given you in the way that He leads you.
12. Having a heart attitude and disposition that seeks to glorify God in every aspect of life.
Much of this has to do with what I call a “heart attitude”, the core belief system/personal disposition that governs all behaviors, words, deeds, and attitudes.
It stems from the realization of all that God has done for me, is doing, and will do in the future. It comes from a heart of deep gratitude, which seeks to please, not repay, or pay penance, to the God who loves me and has given his all for my life and eternity.
It’s just this: the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and faithfulness, and self-control… against such there is no law.” These are the heart attitudes which demonstrate Christ’s likeness. They only come with a genuine long-term walk with Him.
Be careful to understand that we’re not speaking about perfection. We are all human, fallible, frail, weak, and prone to making all manner of mistakes. The giant difference is having a heart of repentance. It’s quick to humble, turn, pray, and make course corrections when we discover we have sinned against God or people. We need to be good “repenters.”
This doesn’t mean that everything is a bed of roses; in fact Christians suffer as much or more than others. The difference here is:” God works all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose.” This means that even the worst challenges, problems, and disasters are actually blessings in disguise as we trust God to work it all together for good. When a person can live this way, in a faith walk with God, all of life takes on a brand-new adventure and excitement, knowing that no matter what happens, I’m going to become closer and more like my Father in each and every situation.
This is the foundation for a great life, marriage and family. It makes for stability, a joy, and the love that permeates a family and a marriage with the sweetness and a sanity that is rare and precious.
To call this Walk with God a “tool” is to misrepresent and underestimate what’s being written here.
This Walk with God is the life-giving, dominant feature of the dedicated Christian family and individual. With God at the vanguard of our lives, life really becomes worth living.

2nd Annual Fathers Day Writing Contest

In honor of Father’s Day 2009 and fathers everywhere www.becomeabetterfather.com is sponsoring a Father’s Day writing contest. We want to know our readers opinions of what it takes to be a great father.

We value your opinion and would love to hear from you and what you think makes a great dad.

The question we pose is: ” My Dad is (was)awesome because…”

That’s it!

Here are the official rules…

1. Write about what you think a good father is (A poem,essay, or other writing form) and post on your blog with a link back to this blog post. LIMIT 300 WORDS.
2. Please leave a comment on this blog post to let us know you entered.
3. You must have your entry posted by midnight, Pacific Standard Time, June 21st, 2009.
4. June 21st at 9pm PST, 2009, the lovely Mrs. Hammond and I will pick a winner based on what we think rocks!
5. The winner receives a free full one-hour consultation with Scott Hammond, a  Starbucks gift card, a full-featured blog post on become a better father.com, a cool certificate,and much much more!
6. We will post an entry on this blog on June 22nd 2009 containing links to all the entries, so you will get a free link out of the deal.
7. We will also do a press release on the winner of the Fathers Day Writing Contest… to be determined.

That’s it and good luck!   The question remains: ”My Dad is (was) awesome because…”

Best,

Scott Hammond FO-9
Father of Nine

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