“You Just Broke Your Child. Congratulations.” by Dan Pearce

Bob Hammond–Legacy Leaver–2/14/11 (7 year anniversary of my dad’s passing)

True Story: Bob’s 7 Steps to a Legacy

You could put all of my father’s worldly possessions in his Chevy celebrity, yet he left us incredible riches. He taught and modeled a love for life, God, and people that will transmit for generations. He was not a flashy man, yet his life was compelling, and his heritage rich with meaning.

Here are some tools that my father Bob used to leave his legacy and heritage–

1. Time… Togetherness, investment in quality relationships with intentional, time spent together.
2. Communication…Talking, telling stories, laughing, and sharing life together, while communicating.
3. Love for and Appreciation of Beauty… Noticing life intentionally: the flowers, people, gardens, plants, trees, birds, animals, and the natural world.
4. Love for People… Appreciation and thankfulness for those in our lives. Expressions of love through, hugs, focused attention, eye contact encouragement, and appropriate touch.
5. Love for God… Actively having a love affair with our Creator, based in a worshipful heart disposition.  Living in intentional expression in: church community, the Fellowship, the study of truth, prayer, using our gifts, and living a life of love for God and people.
6. Having fun… Being present, in the moment and spontaneous. Making time for what’s really important. Being able to stop and smell the flowers, taste the ice cream, and generally enjoy the simple things. “The best things in life are not things at all.”
7. Being a Lifelong Learner… Possessing a hunger and thirst for truth, knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and a compelling education. Truly being a student of life, with the intent of discovering your strengths and gifts and making application to make your world a better place.

“Every Day Dad”–Forward

Foreword
This book is about hope, renewal, and Life
Renaissance—about what is possible.
I’m writing this as a result of loss, death, and
personal depression, all of which have resulted in a
personal, Midlife Renewal and Renaissance.
The deaths of my father, Bob Hammond and
my friend, Dan Gunderson, caused me to think
about how I live my life and what kind of legacy I
am leaving behind for my children, wife, and
friends.
The deaths of two people very close to me
made me realize the fragility and temporal nature of
our existence. Life really does go by quickly and
must be cherished and relished.
My love for God, people, and especially
parents and families has resulted in this work. It
presents the possibility of incremental, practical,
and a workable personal healing and change. It also
presents methods for getting back on track as both a
parent and as a person of value.
My goal is to help people avoid a midlife
crisis, and instead, have a Midlife Renewal and Life
Renaissance– a restoration of hope.
I’ve made great effort to avoid being glib, trite,
or theoretical. Rather, I offer realistic, practical
solutions and strategies to live life on purpose and
with passion. This book is about the ability to do
the desires of your life; to live life on purpose with
intentionality. This is about practicality and giving
you the tools to take compelling action as you move
forward.
This book will help you…

• Have pride in your life, marriage,
and family as you define them.
• Discover satisfaction as a person.
• Find hope, by helping you create a
workable life and plan for living
with purpose, joy, and wisdom.
• Save you time, energy, hassle, and
money by being direct and
compelling in content.
My hope is that the content that I present here
will result for you an incremental, workable,
personal parenting/life plan that will enable you to
leave a positive and lasting legacy.
This will require of you a willingness to be
incremental, honest, and courageous. You will need
to persevere as you break through into your own
Renewal/ Life Renaissance.
I pray that your personal passion in leaving a
living legacy through your relationships results in
an awesome heritage to all whom you ever know
and love.
God bless you on your Hero’s Journey.
May this book’s content be a signpost along
your way

.
Scott Hammond, FO-9
www.BecomeaBetterFather.com
McKinleyville California
January 2010

Leave a Legacy

Note to Alex

By Brian Parsley

November 3rd, 2009

A friend of mine wrote this amazing list for his young stepson.  It’s a set of principles he’s learned in his lifetime and wanted to pass along so his stepson would have the building blocks to living a positive, fulfilling life.  I thought it summed up how we should all live our lives.

1. Always Tell the Truth Even When it Hurts
Honesty is not a situational principle. In the end, it’s yourself you have to live with. Integrity is what makes you who you are. It’s what makes the pillow soft at night and the morning worth waking up for.

2. Give Love
Treat yourself and others with compassion, love and respect. Help a neighbor, help a stranger, and take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Remember, nothing is possible without first believing in love.

3. Treat People Fairly Fair
Be just, be compassionate and be equal. All situations are different but the manner in which you go about handling them should be the same. Don’t play favorites. If you show compassion, you will be able to treat others fairly, and they will respect you for it.

4. Never Do Harm to Anyone – Including Yourself
Don’t talk behind someone’s back, don’t cause physical harm and don’t let someone engage in any activity that you know will cause them or others harm. This has as much to do with action as intent. If you’re honest, loving and fair you won’t want to hurt others or let others be hurt.

5. Keep Your Promises
Your promise is your reputation. Others will judge you by your ability to follow through on your words.

6. Be a Positive Influence
Don’t just set out to make your life better. Help others live the best life they can too. Be a role model. Live the above principles and others will follow your lead.

7. Do the next right thing… always.
If you’re ever in doubt of any decision, do the next right thing.  Don’t worry about the “what if’s” or all the different ways a decision could take you – just do the right thing in that moment.  It will never fail you and there will never be regrets (especially in the long run).

Special thanks to Ben Vernon.

Time and Fathering…Part 1.

Writer and Father David Swanson shares his thoughts on what it takes to be a better father. In part one of this four part series David focuses on time.

Before having children, we fantasized about what it would be like to be a father. For some, it was peanuts, popcorn, and baseball games. For others it was placing their chair and table in their upright positions and flying away to far-off places. But one thing’s for sure. The fantasy never entailed working long hours, stressing about finances or career obligations, or fighting with a wife over how to raise the kids.

As a father of three, I decided that I was not going to settle for being the absent father who accepted the reality that, “being a good father means being a provider. And being a good provider means limited time with my kids.” I wanted to be the father I fantasized about, and I was willing to do whatever it took. Not too long ago, I was forced to do just that.

About five years ago, I was working 50-60 hours a week in a busy practice as a child and family psychologist in Encino, CA. My practice grew and grew until I was working 6 days a week, most days until 9 at night. I wanted to cut back because I wanted to be at home with my children. But I was afraid that if I cut back on my hours, people would assume that my practice was full and they would stop referring me. This would mean potentially losing our home and my practice.

A very smart and kind pediatrician friend encouraged me to take the risk. “You need to be at home with your kids,” he advised me. “If you don’t have any available times for clients after school, parents will take their kids out of school to see you.” After hearing my oldest son complain of my absence, I became determined to take my friend’s advice and reduce my hours. I decided that I would leave the office by 6 pm and I would not work on weekends. This was an incredibly stressful time. But fortunately the advice my friend gave me was correct. People did bring their children in during school hours. We didn’t lose our home. To this day, I believe it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Sure, we had to take a step down in lifestyle, but I don’t think my kids care. I don’t know if they really even noticed.

Today, I coach their sports teams, we jump in the trampoline, we have Nerf gun wars at home (yes, in the house!), and we just got back from the Leo Carrillo Tide Pools where we hunted for starfish. I am the father in my fantasy. In my practice, I am often visited by fathers who wish they could be the father in their fantasy. These fathers often ask the question, “Where do I start?” When we evaluate their “father fantasy,” we usually come up with four core areas on which they choose to focus. I have laid out these four areas below.

Time

Tim Russert, former host of NBC’s Meet the Press and author of Wisdom of Our Fathers, said, “You can shower a child with presents or money, but what do they really mean, compared to the most valuable gift of all—your time? Vacations and special events are nice, but so often the best moments are the spontaneous ones. Every moment you spend with your child could be the one that really matters.”

The fact of the matter is that you are either a “present” father or a father who is “absent.” You cannot plan for life. You will never know when your child will utter his first word. You will never know when he will take his first steps. And you will never know when his first girlfriend will break up with him. Life happens and it is not subject to a plan. You are either there or you’re not. Planning vacations and special time are very important in moving closer to your family. Your child will always remember the Disneyland trips, the skiing vacations, and snorkeling in Hawaii. But will you be there when he is forced to deal with the pains of life?

Happy 26th Birthday Jacob

Jacob Hammond–
I love many things about you…
Your hanging out with me during your time of growing up .
Your sense of humor.
Your spending time with me, doing chores, projects, and jobs around the house/property.
Your selfless generosity to your family and friends.
Your fierce friendship when sticking up for others.
Giving rides, money, pizza, and ice cream to those to whom it meant much.
Your kindness to strangers,business clients, and customers.
Your diligence at work, school, and home
Your brotherly nature and love for your family.
Your telling me about your day.
Your servant’s heart.

This was written a few years ago and applies even more today.

You are a God Guy who loves freely and we are infinitely proud and glad to have you as our son.

Happy 26th Birthday son!

Dad

Vision, Mission and You

Vision and Mission

Start with the big picture—put first things first.

Experts in the fields of psychology and personal effectiveness now recognize it if you feel upset or an uneasy about your lack of personal time, it’s not because you have too much to do.  It’s because you not satisfied with most of what you do.  Determine what’s most important in your life.

1. Ask such questions as what’s most important?
2. What gives your life meaning?
3. What do you want to be and to do with your life?

Clarity on these issues is critical because the answers to these questions affect everything else in your life—your goals, the decisions you make in the way you spend your time, and so much more.

The need for a balanced life—

If you don’t think balance in your life is vitally important to your happiness, success and health. Consider this: there is considerable evidence showing that mishandled stress at home interferes with work performance, and mishandled job pressure creates and magnifies problems at home.  Research shows that the quality of your personal relationships strongly influences job productivity, disease resistance and longevity.  Conversely, people who have value power over family and friendships appear to have a harder time fighting off disease and sickness.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Can success in one area of life compensate for failure in another?
2. Can success in your profession compensate for a broken marriage or ruined health?
3. Can success in the community justify failure as a parent?

Important: success or failure in any role you have contributes to the quality of every other role, and your life as a whole.  Keep balance in your life.  Identify your various roles and keep them right in front of you so that you don’t neglect important areas such as your health, your family, your community involvement, or personal development.  Evaluating your various roles and attaching a new level of priority in each is another important step in becoming balanced and aligned and a whole person.

Enjoy life—

The matter what your circumstance or how uncertain future, you can still be filled with enjoyment, humor, and a good attitude.  Don’t let fear or anxiety keep you from experiencing the happiness that life has to offer.  Go to a local park, enjoy the fresh air, and have fun.  Have friends over for dinner.  Spend time with family.  Think about what activities you enjoy and go do them!

THE TOOLS OF LEGACY: A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Tools of Effective Legacy:  a Relationship with God

The fifth and most important “tool” is a genuine relationship with God, both as an individual and as a family.

Writing about our relationship with God is extremely difficult. So let’s start with what it is not.

It is not:

1. About attending church
2. About giving money
3. About being” good “
4. About being religious
5. About being condemning, condescending, or arrogant about one’s faith
6. About religious activity, service, or lifestyle

What it is about could take up several pages .

But we’ll start with the following:

1. Knowing and understanding God’s Word–the Bible and reading and meditating on it regularly.
2. Understanding and having a genuine salvation/saving relationship with God by faith in Christ.
3. Being a person who prays on a regular basis, who has two-way conversations with God.
4. Being a person who’s quick to repent, be humble, and truly make things right, admitting it when you are wrong.
5. Being a person who’s willing to serve others, even at your own expense.
6. Living an obedient life, not out of obligation, but out of thankfulness and deep gratitude for all God has done for you.
7. Allowing God’s full expression in your thoughts, deeds, words, motivation, attitude, resources, and so much more.
8. Being a person who puts her walk with God as the number one priority in life, through prayer, Bible study, praise, worship, sharing my faith, serving my church and community and all fellow humans.
9. Obeying God in the small stuff, being sensitive to details and doing the right thing even when no one is looking….even when it hurts.
10. Relaxing, taking deep breaths, simply appreciating the life and the love God has given you, realizing you cannot add to this love. You can only respond to it by living in the moment, and being the obedient son/daughter He’s asked that you to be.
11. Utilizing the gifts and the resources He’s given you in the way that He leads you.
12. Having a heart attitude and disposition that seeks to glorify God in every aspect of life.

The 3 Compelling “C’s” of Awesome Parenting

1. Compelling Communication–Speak and communicate, talk and listen, and keep open lines of communication with your family– make time to have focused attention, eye contact,  and appropriate physical touch as you connect with your kids.
2. Compelling Family Culture--Develop a culture of “togetherness” as you accept, honor, and respect each family member for their unique contributions.  Practice unconditional love as you learn to accept one another and take appropriate pride in your own family identity.
3. Compelling Relationships–Make quality of relationships the most important priority in your family life.  Make sure you manage, nurture, and cherish your family relationships as they really are the most important part of life.  Give them the time, resources, and effort they deserve.

10 KEYS TO RAISING EXTRA UNIQUE KIDS

Extra Mile Parenting; 10 Keys To Raising Extra-Unique Kids

Extra-mile parents are those who accept their child’s condition, are aware of their family’s emotional needs, and seek to build a positive attitude in their family culture. They have learned to grieve openly, celebrate freely, respect the feelings of each family member, and to get the focus off themselves. These parents are heroes we have much to learn from. Here are ten keys to help you become that extra-mile parent.

1. Patience. Everything comes more slowly to EU kids. Milestones are fewer and far apart, but this makes achievements all the sweeter.
2. Acknowledge grief. Revisiting grief is normal and natural, especially at birthdays, special occasions, or other milestone events in your child’s life. Allow yourself room to grieve and talk, and then move on.
3. It’s not about you. Remember it’s really about accepting your child and being OK with who they are. Don’t make it about yourself; remember your goal is to resource, facilitate, and love your child first.
4. Support. Find and link up with like-minded parents who are willing to be real, genuine, and transparent about their lives, struggles, and victories.
5. Slow down. Be here now and focus on enjoying your EU child. Get into their world by being present and in the moment, and stepping off of your own life roller coaster, even if only for a few moments.
6. Let your child teach you. Learn from their simplicity, spontaneity, and the joy with which they approach life. Learn from their perspective how to enjoy simple things again.
7. Making comparisons. Avoid the dangerous pitfall of comparing your child to any others. She is unique, perfect, and valuable, so enjoy her as God made her.
8. Unrealistic expectations. When your expectations are beyond what is realistic, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Be aware and honest with your unspoken and even subconscious, unrealistic expectations of your family life.
9. Vicarious identity. Remember, it’s not about you. When you feel embarrassment, shame, or perceived disapproval of your child, it’s not about you or your reputation, or your value as a person. Consider this…is it possible the problem lays in others, or even yourself? Ultimately, this is about being OK with who you are as a family and accepting and even celebrating it.
10. Be Yourself. Focus on being real, transparent, and authentic as you walk through life and your EU experience. Keep a good sense of humor and be willing to really laugh and have a perspective which allows you to have fun, enjoy life, and be yourself in the context of your family challenges.

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