My Dad Bob—Died 6 Years ago Valentines Day

I am realizing that the pain of missing a loved one transforms with time. I actually relish remembering my father Bob–one of the Greatest Generation who impacted my life with his love for God, people, and nature.

Valentines Day is becoming a joy in rememberance of the love, fellowship, and good times we enjoyed with my earthly father, Bob Hammond. He was the sweetest guy who really “Got it” when it came to thankfulness and gratitude. He was always and eternally grateful for all the “nice occasions” he was experiencing by the grace of God. He always gave God all the credit….faithful, thankful, joyful, and prayerful…in all things.
I still find myself wondering why i am reacting or acting as he would have in given circumstances. Help!—I am becoming my dad!….both good, bad, and the ugly. At the end of the day my hope is in the resurrection at the end of days when Jesus calls us home and we have eternity to get caught up. this hope is a driving force to live and love and to go forward—even in grief. This Great Gathering is more than beyond what I can conceive in my puny brain–so I am forced to trust, believe and have faith in the word and the Author, Perfecter, and Finisher of my faith.
See you soon dad and Abba Father God.
Scott

Leave a Legacy

Note to Alex

By Brian Parsley

November 3rd, 2009

A friend of mine wrote this amazing list for his young stepson.  It’s a set of principles he’s learned in his lifetime and wanted to pass along so his stepson would have the building blocks to living a positive, fulfilling life.  I thought it summed up how we should all live our lives.

1. Always Tell the Truth Even When it Hurts
Honesty is not a situational principle. In the end, it’s yourself you have to live with. Integrity is what makes you who you are. It’s what makes the pillow soft at night and the morning worth waking up for.

2. Give Love
Treat yourself and others with compassion, love and respect. Help a neighbor, help a stranger, and take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Remember, nothing is possible without first believing in love.

3. Treat People Fairly Fair
Be just, be compassionate and be equal. All situations are different but the manner in which you go about handling them should be the same. Don’t play favorites. If you show compassion, you will be able to treat others fairly, and they will respect you for it.

4. Never Do Harm to Anyone – Including Yourself
Don’t talk behind someone’s back, don’t cause physical harm and don’t let someone engage in any activity that you know will cause them or others harm. This has as much to do with action as intent. If you’re honest, loving and fair you won’t want to hurt others or let others be hurt.

5. Keep Your Promises
Your promise is your reputation. Others will judge you by your ability to follow through on your words.

6. Be a Positive Influence
Don’t just set out to make your life better. Help others live the best life they can too. Be a role model. Live the above principles and others will follow your lead.

7. Do the next right thing… always.
If you’re ever in doubt of any decision, do the next right thing.  Don’t worry about the “what if’s” or all the different ways a decision could take you – just do the right thing in that moment.  It will never fail you and there will never be regrets (especially in the long run).

Special thanks to Ben Vernon.

Disipline and Fathering Part 2.

“Boys want to know three things,” says 72-year-old Lew Powers, a 20-year veteran Boy Scout director. ‘One, who’s the boss? Two, what are the rules? And three, are you going to enforce them?’ To have a strong relationship with a boy, you have to be the boss, and a very kind one. Only set rules that you can enforce, and always enforce them. Then you have the basis for a relationship. From here comes respect and more importantly, trust.”

Being a good father means you discipline from a plan, not from emotion. Most fathers tend to shy away from traditional behavior systems, relying heavily on their ability to “discipline in the moment.” I have found in my practice that this is not a good way to go. In fact, to be perfectly honest, I find that it is one of our male weaknesses, such as failing to ask for directions when we know we are lost. In both cases, we need to use a map. And a behavioral map entails sitting down and plotting your course. What are your rules? Are you willing to enforce them in the same way every time? What will you do when you become aware that your child has left you severely frustrated? Will you yell? Will you say hurtful things that you’ll later apologize for? Make your map and chart your course.

Some brief notes on discipline:

Discipline strategies used by mother and father should be the same.

3 strikes you’re out
2 warnings
Consequences and rewards used by mother and father should be the same
Time out
Restriction

Raising your voice to get your child’s attention is not a problem as long as:

You are not out of control.
It doesn’t shame your child.
It doesn’t put your child in a position to care for you.
Raising your voice does have its risks. Your children will meet the bar that you set:
If you yell, they will yell.
If you shut down, they will shut down.
If you keep your poise, they will keep theirs.
DON’T HIT! This damages a child’s self-esteem and ability to bond and attach emotionally.

Happy 26th Birthday Jacob

Jacob Hammond–
I love many things about you…
Your hanging out with me during your time of growing up .
Your sense of humor.
Your spending time with me, doing chores, projects, and jobs around the house/property.
Your selfless generosity to your family and friends.
Your fierce friendship when sticking up for others.
Giving rides, money, pizza, and ice cream to those to whom it meant much.
Your kindness to strangers,business clients, and customers.
Your diligence at work, school, and home
Your brotherly nature and love for your family.
Your telling me about your day.
Your servant’s heart.

This was written a few years ago and applies even more today.

You are a God Guy who loves freely and we are infinitely proud and glad to have you as our son.

Happy 26th Birthday son!

Dad

The 3 Compelling “C’s” of Awesome Parenting

1. Compelling Communication–Speak and communicate, talk and listen, and keep open lines of communication with your family– make time to have focused attention, eye contact,  and appropriate physical touch as you connect with your kids.
2. Compelling Family Culture--Develop a culture of “togetherness” as you accept, honor, and respect each family member for their unique contributions.  Practice unconditional love as you learn to accept one another and take appropriate pride in your own family identity.
3. Compelling Relationships–Make quality of relationships the most important priority in your family life.  Make sure you manage, nurture, and cherish your family relationships as they really are the most important part of life.  Give them the time, resources, and effort they deserve.

4 challenges of compelling parenting

1. Learning– Creating a family culture of openness, honesty and a love for lifelong learning of compelling and often difficult life lessons. We are lifelong learners.
2. Really Living– Having a family environment which is engaging, fun, and in the moment. We are learning to stop and enjoy the right now.
3. Loving– Contributing to a family culture that chooses to love, forgive, give grace and mercy. Deciding and determining before hand that we will choose love first and foremost.
4. Lasting-- We are running the race with a big picture in mind. Failure is not an option nor is division, divorce, or bailing on each other. We are in this for the long haul– together.

Expert Parenting– 40 ways to really love your kids

The National Down Syndrome Congress Conference was an awesome experience and  I was honored to meet such great parents. Parents are the experts and  really know what works in the raising of  great kids. Here are 40 ways to enhance your parenting skills from some of the best parents on Earth…

We surveyed all the parents in attendance of my conference session entitled 5 Secrets of Effective Parents and found the following 40 parental best practices:

1. patience– this was #1. by 10 to one.
2. flexibility
3. sense of humor
4. having ans using good listening skills
5. being principled
6. being a creative
7. love and acceptance
8. creating less stress
9. prioritizing time
10. having a plan B.
11. having seeking mentors
12. understanding
13. encouragement
14. empathy
15. discipline
16. personal responsibility
17. personal self-care
18. being consistent
19. having a good support structure
20. being in the moment
21. acceptance
22. family activities
23. teaching
24. having boundaries
25. encouraging individuality
26. laugh or being silly
27. much prayer
28. being  understanding
29. being supportive
30. having a good attitude
31. having good communication
32. loving God
33. staying  calm
34. being aware
35. having adaptable planning
36. avoiding conflict
37. unconditional love
38. quality time
39. studying your children
40. having a strong marriage

We have much to learn…pick 3 and get started today.

What are your strengths/weaknesses above?

How will you leverage each today?

If not you, who?

If not now, when?

Gabriel Speech–Leave a Legacy

10 KEYS TO RAISING EXTRA UNIQUE KIDS

Extra Mile Parenting; 10 Keys To Raising Extra-Unique Kids

Extra-mile parents are those who accept their child’s condition, are aware of their family’s emotional needs, and seek to build a positive attitude in their family culture. They have learned to grieve openly, celebrate freely, respect the feelings of each family member, and to get the focus off themselves. These parents are heroes we have much to learn from. Here are ten keys to help you become that extra-mile parent.

1. Patience. Everything comes more slowly to EU kids. Milestones are fewer and far apart, but this makes achievements all the sweeter.
2. Acknowledge grief. Revisiting grief is normal and natural, especially at birthdays, special occasions, or other milestone events in your child’s life. Allow yourself room to grieve and talk, and then move on.
3. It’s not about you. Remember it’s really about accepting your child and being OK with who they are. Don’t make it about yourself; remember your goal is to resource, facilitate, and love your child first.
4. Support. Find and link up with like-minded parents who are willing to be real, genuine, and transparent about their lives, struggles, and victories.
5. Slow down. Be here now and focus on enjoying your EU child. Get into their world by being present and in the moment, and stepping off of your own life roller coaster, even if only for a few moments.
6. Let your child teach you. Learn from their simplicity, spontaneity, and the joy with which they approach life. Learn from their perspective how to enjoy simple things again.
7. Making comparisons. Avoid the dangerous pitfall of comparing your child to any others. She is unique, perfect, and valuable, so enjoy her as God made her.
8. Unrealistic expectations. When your expectations are beyond what is realistic, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Be aware and honest with your unspoken and even subconscious, unrealistic expectations of your family life.
9. Vicarious identity. Remember, it’s not about you. When you feel embarrassment, shame, or perceived disapproval of your child, it’s not about you or your reputation, or your value as a person. Consider this…is it possible the problem lays in others, or even yourself? Ultimately, this is about being OK with who you are as a family and accepting and even celebrating it.
10. Be Yourself. Focus on being real, transparent, and authentic as you walk through life and your EU experience. Keep a good sense of humor and be willing to really laugh and have a perspective which allows you to have fun, enjoy life, and be yourself in the context of your family challenges.

If you could have 3 Parenting “do overs” what would you do differently? Part 3.

The last installment of our Informal Survey…

ok. “do-overs”:
1. Stop saying, “No” immediately unless it’s a life threatening situation. Rather, come to their eye level or lower and explain to them why what they’re doing or thinking about doing might be a really bad idea, complete with realistic consequences of their actions.

2. Be more aware of the family history on mental health. Turns out depression runs in my family. Had no idea until 2 years after I figured it out. It really does take a toll on the family, especially the kids.

3. Take all that energy from yelling (see 2 above) and whisper. It’s amazing how quickly people shut down at loud noises, but perk up at really, really soft ones.

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Not had child number 1
Not had child number 2
Not had child number 3

Bad parenting day today…..ask me tomorrow and the answer will be different. Now if you will excuse me I have to go find out why…

Child number 1 thought it was okay to go to the bathroom at school and send a questionable song to all of his 5th grade friends on the emergency cell phone that he wasn’t supposed to have brought to school.

Child number 2 thought it was funny to tell a Chuck Norris and Virgin Mary joke to his friends during study hall that was definitely not appropriate for 8th grade students.

Child number 3 thought it would be okay if mom came home and found her and her boyfriend making out on the couch with his hands down her pants – she is 16.

Do you think it is too late to get a refund on them?

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

I would have protected my children LESS from the cause and effect of thier own behavior.
I would have been more strict about responsibility.
I would have been less accepting of negative behavior.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Scott,

I just joked today that I wish I had time to write the book “The Parent REDO”! How ironic…

As the mother of 2 ( 11 and 13), high maintenance pre teens, I do not think this space will have room for all of the “do overs” I could give you. You asked for three so here goes.

I would have kept “consistent” with rules…
I would have kept “consistent” with a routine/expected schedule…
I would have kept “consistent” with our overall expectations…

“Children will follow where we lead them..if we do not lead them, they will not follow.”

Permission granted to use quote from a guilty parent of great kids that have been lead by consistent love but not by consistent leadership. I will be the 1st to buy your book as the do overs are still possible…I hope!

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