Honoring Single Parents—Wanda from Iowa

My mother, Wanda Hammond, was born in a small town in Iowa—she changed my life….I wanted to honor her today.

This would have been her 87th Birthday.  As a single mother, Wanda raised me (an only child) in the Hood in San Diego California, through the turbulent 70′s–The era of Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. The surfing wasn’t too bad by the way!  While she worked (6 days a week) –I partied…hard. She nevertheless was glad to be a supportive and nurturing mother and always backed me in any pursuit. Whether getting baptized or pulled from jail– My mother was an example of someone who poured out her life for me, the shaggy and sometimes ragged “next generation”.

Wanda loved her job, her son, and her friends at the local watering hole in National City, California—The Galloping Inn.  This was her “Starbucks– 3rd place” of support, therapy, and Bud on tap!  Heck, they even played Creedence and Janis on the jukebox while we shot pool!  Kinda of a family experience at the pub…I loved the grapefruit juice and Johnny Cash and even got good at pool!

I will always remember her kindness, patience, and expressions of real motherly love to me.  She was never afraid to express her confidence in me or to compliment a success or win. Wanda was always present at any significant life event and ready for the celebratory dinner out after. She was an AWESOME single parent. I love her….still.

In her later years, I had several opportunities to express my thanks and love for her loving parenting support…!  In her later years, the Pall Mall’s caught her and she got cancer….Bummer…or she used to say: “Bunk!.. She died in a cold February in Sioux City of cancer at the age of 63. I was really impressed by the Iowa kindness of those who honored her life and death. The Lutheran female pastor was my favorite—She helped her sister Wanda face death and come back to her King and Heavenly Father with courage and class. I gotta love those Iowa folks!…Especially my mom Wanda…See you on the other side Mom….Keep a light on for me.

 

–Scott “Robbie” Hammond

 

 

 

Merry Christmas!

Another year draws to a close, which means it’s time to dig through the memory archives of the past year and pull out meaningful or witty or exciting news about each family member…OK then…I’m trying…well, maybe we’ll just have to stick with a simple, boring update! So here goes—-

The most exciting thing that happened with Scott and I (yes, this year’s newsletter is authored by Joni, aka “Mom”, “Mom-Joni”, or “Mrs. Gabe”) is that we went to HAWAII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  for the first time, to celebrate our 30^th wedding anniversary. We went with Jacob and Kelly, and had the most glorious vacation ever. I’m ready to go to Hawaii every year now.

Other than basking in the sun and snorkeling in the warm waters off Maui…

Scott has spent the past year continuing to develop his public speaking skills and to lead the Team at Suddenlink Media (local cable network provider). He’s one diligent guy, and since I’m authoring this year’s newsletter, I can take a moment to say that I’m really blessed to be married to him.

I (Joni) continue to run (completed my first half marathon this year and loved it!), to garden, and to indulge my maternal energies by caring for a batch of chickens. They are not too bright, they are not too clever, and they have kind of creepy feet, but there is something mildly gratifying when a flock of 10 birds race (as best a chicken can) towards you any time you step out the door. So what if they’re looking for scratch…

Jacob and Kelly put their roots down a little deeper in Medford, OR, by buying a house this year. It’s really a nice place; with a great view of Roxy Anne peak and a fine backyard for their growing menagerie (they added a Pembroke corgi puppy and a wee kitten, survivor of a junkyard).  Jacob continues to work his internet magic for pay, and restores old bikes and a VW bug for fun. Kelly produces amazing photography, and has been deeply bitten by the running bug; she’s got a couple of races planned for this winter and spring already.

Jesse continues to plug away at UC Davis, creating various computer models of Stuff and Information, dominating the underclassmen, and working steadily towards his goal of MA/PhD. He has a lovely young lady in his life who is also studying at UCD and who provides some balance to his life.

Kalea graduated from Humboldt State this spring, and the whole family gathered to enjoy the beautiful music recital she performed, and then cheered her on as she received her diploma. She is exploring her options for the next phase of her life; looks like she may head down south to see what life in the big city is like (we wish her well and are glad that it is her and not us, he! he! he!!).

Briana and Matt are still here in Humboldt County while Matt works on his contractor’s license and Bri takes college classes. She has what many of us would consider a dream job: she gets paid to exercise and care for horses. Paid! They recently moved into a really cute little house out by Blue Lake, and are looking forward to their latest addition….a little Doberman puppy.

Abby is oh-so-close to completing high school, and is deciding What to Do Next. She’s considering moving up to Medford to attend college. Or staying here and attending college. Or going on a short missions trip. Or taking a year off from school and working. Or who knows! We reassure her that the sky’s the limit (well, almost), and that with God leading, she really can’t go wrong, no matter what she decides.

Michaela is sitting much taller these days, as she finally had the long-dreaded spinal fusion surgery this past fall. While she really, really didn’t want surgery, the end result exceeds her expectations. She sits taller than her sisters now, and having a straight spine has made her much more comfortable overall. She’s still writing stories, reading about vampires, French history, and old Russia (she’s so eclectic in her interests), and basically growing up.

Gabe is NOT almost 13. NO. Well, heck, I guess he is, but I don’t see how that’s possible! He remains the most grounded, easy-going, mellow and happy person I’ve ever met. A woman in Arcata, upon watching Gabe for a few minutes, summed it up: “I think he must be farther evolved than we are. I spend so much time, so much energy, trying to be happy. And he just IS!”.  Lots of lessons to be learned by hanging with Gabe.

Aaron and Micah, bringing up the tail end of the family in age but leading the way in energy, continue to homeschool, learn, explore, fight, play-play-play, experiment, study, bicker, help each other, and remind us all that life is not so serious—enjoy it!

God continues to lead us, to comfort us and encourage us, to correct us and to change us. He is good, all the time, and we are so thankful for His presence and the peace that he gives. May you experience the same this holiday season and into the New Year!

~~~~~~~~~~~ The Hammonds~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHANGE CHALLENGE

The Challenge of Change

It doesn’t take a leader to move a person to fix something that is obviously broken.  It takes a leader to inspire comfortable winners to move to higher ground. It is the hardest thing a leader can do. Just ask the President. What are you doing to help your family make the paradigm shifts that will move your family productively on a journey into the future?

Every parent needs to keep his family out of their comfort zone and hooked on the goal of continuous process improvement. Promote innovative changes throughout your family. If you lead a family and you want your family to give you innovative ideas, ask for their contributions regularly by encouraging and honoring diversity of opinion and thought.  Be open to the unconventional, and be relentless in promoting fresh eyes to uncover new changes and new opportunities.

The 5:1 Ratio

The Magic 5:1 ratio-

Researchers study relationships report that stable couples don’t allow the relationship to be overrun by negative feelings. In fact, they say, successful couples maintain a healthy balance between their positive and negative encounters with each other. They don’t avoid disagreements. They don’t avoid arguing. But they do balance out any negative interactions with positive feelings and actions but showing interest, being affectionate, showing they care, being appreciative, smiling, paying compliments, laughing, showing concern, etc. In other words, stable couples have at least five times as many positive interactions in their relationship as negative ones.

“All you need is love”…Beatles wrote it because it’s true! We all need love, and it must be demonstrated by us and to us. The key question for me and you is, can we be intentional about giving the appropriate type of love to those we do love?

What are your languages of love? What are you best at giving? Which do you love to receive the most? Moreover, what is your spouse’s favorite Language of Love? Now go and be intentional about your giving and receiving of love.

The 5 Languages of Love

1. Words of affirmation– this includes encouragement, positive reinforcement, kindness, and general verbal affection.
2. Quality time– this includes focused attention, quality as well as quantity of time, and spending time with people we love.
3. Receiving of gifts– showing others we care and that we are thinking of them through practical gift giving.
4. Acts of service– To show support and care through practical actions. To show in actuality what we feel internally, to serve someone.
5. Physical touch– To show, demonstrate, and receive appropriate physical touch- hugs, touching, appropriate physical contact.
Men tend to really like number five and number one. A word of encouragement and appropriate hug or more! can fill our emotional tanks and keep us going for long periods of time.

SUCCESSFUL PARENTING

Successful Parenting—

Successful parents are clear and spot on with what they’re trying to accomplish in training their children. Discipline and focus must balance grace and mercy. There must be a balance between grace and discipline in managing a family in raising great kids.

Great parents are intentional parents. They know what they’re doing and why they’re doing it. Parenting also comes with the mandate to be flexible. Flexibility coupled with humor, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and the ability to keep it light will help parents get through many a dark time.

Training our kids through leading them by example and serving them is also a key component in that our values are usually caught not taught. This modeling of our values and walking our talk is key in setting an example for our kids to follow.

As we live our values as parents, our kids are taught and catch what we are instructing by the message of our lives and example. The key is for parents to be totally focused on this key role, whilst understanding none of us are perfect— thus we need grace both on others and for ourselves as parents.

Over Achiever??

Solutions for the Over-achieving Parent• Enjoy the moment. Stop and really concentrate on the small joys of life.• Be here now. Really focus on others and what they are communicating• Practice thankfulness for what it is now. Mentally and verbally give thanks for all you enjoy• Buy a Koi pond and go “watch the fish”. At least go outside and breathe, stretch and notice nature in its various forms.• Take breaks, stop and smell the flowers, intentionally enjoy life. Take a walk daily at work or home to break up the routine• Accept that less is more. What are we REALLY lacking in any moment?• Learn to push, then stop and wait for the results and be patient. Really know when you have done enough, then stop and give thanks.  It will be there tomorrow.• Bring your best contribution to all relationships. Really make relationships your #1 priority in life.  • Surrender to the moment, circumstance, or situation. Practice really letting go of any situation you have no control over. Rest. Pray. Release.• Take quiet breaks and rest. Walk. Go outside. Go Inside. Close the door. Time out.• Forgive with intentionality. Really release it and forget it. Move on…• Let it go. Stop your mind from negatively replaying what you cannot control.• Move along. Look to the next thing. Get over yourself.• Operate from the concept of a universe of abundance. There is more than enough for everyone.• Relax at work. Take a daily walk.• Breathe deep. Fill your lungs with air so that your stomach expands.  Do this each hour.• Totally trust God and pray. Learn to reach out to God in personal prayer and really speak with Him. Tell Him how you feel. He can take it. • Take vacations. Schedule in advance, save the resources, plan with gusto, and just do it.• Stop the “self-beatings”. As you have the inevitable setbacks of life, simply resolve in advance to not add to the disappointment by adding self- deprecation of any type. Make it a point to stop negative self- talk. • Monitor and question moods and attitudes. Practice self-control and be aware of your personal emotional cycles and weaknesses and adjust your perspective from there. Know yourself and adjust accordingly.• Surrender and accept what is. It is what it is…and it can be better if you are willing.

TIME MANAGEMENT

Hey, gotta minute?

We all possess valuable resources, but none is trickier or more valuable than time. Managing your time is THE key skill set in managing your life. Show what you do with your time and you show what your value system is all about. When leveraging time you will utilize and expand on core strength. If you can manage your time well you can accomplish almost anything. Using time incrementally, methodically, and strategically will help you stay on track and achieve your life priorities.

Personal productivity is only as limited as your proper use of time. Wise use of time maximizes and leverages all resources and helps you achieve your goals, objectives, and priorities. Good time management allows you to plan ahead and to use your purpose and passion with laser focus—nothing becomes impossible. Your productivity, as you leverage your passion through good time management, increases exponentially resulting in compelling accomplishment.

“Plan your work, then work your plan” is a great axiom. The “work your plan” part has to do with time management. Planning is great, but is useless without execution. Time management is all about the execution of your plans, goals, passions, and objectives.

Benjamin Franklin wrote, “Do you value life? Then waste no time, for that is the stuff of which life is made.” The value of anything that you obtain or accomplish can be determined by how much of your time, or your life, that you spent to acquire it.

The amount of yourself that you use up in achieving the goals that are important to you is a critical factor to consider, even before you begin. Only by discovering your innate strengths and developing and exploiting them to their highest degree can you utilize yourself to get the greatest amount of satisfaction and enjoyment from everything you do.

Deciding what you want to do, what you can do well, and what can give you the highest rewards for your efforts is the starting point in getting the best out of yourself.

Show me how much you love your family by how much time you give them. Show me a dad who loves his family and I’ll show you a guy who plans and spends time with them.
Personal Time Management

The definition of Time management: is a set of skills, tools, and systems that work together to help you get more value out of your time and leverage it to accomplish what you want.

Scott Hammond–Every Day Dad Interview

SCOTT HAMMOND, PARENTING EXPERT,

TALKS TO IN SEARCH OF FATHERHOOD®

Scott Hammond (www.BecomeaBetterFather.com) is a nationally recognized parenting expert, an author of a powerful and positive life-transforming book for Fathers entitled, “Every Day Dad:  The Guide To Becoming A Better Man”, husband, and father of nine children.   Mr. Hammond took time from his very developing schedule to sit down and chat with IN SEARCH OF FATHERHOOD® about, among other things, his book, the most challenging and rewarding aspects of Fatherhood, and the mixed signals that Men are receiving about masculinity and their parental roles and responsibility.

The first thing we wanted to know was whether Mr. Hammond had received any advice about Fatherhood and, if so, from whom.   Mr. Hammond told us that his Father’s relationship with him spoke volumes about parenting from a male perspective:

“Not much was said to me about Fatherhood.   What I learned about Fatherhood came from my interaction with my Dad Bob who really employed relationship parenting with me in my teen years through listening to me, spending time with me, and involving me in his world.”

So, what are the most rewarding and challenging aspects of Fatherhood for Mr. Hammond, who is the co-parent of nine children?

“For me, the most rewarding aspects of being a Dad is watching my children grow and become contributing adults who love, serve, and bless others.   The most challenging aspects of Fatherhood is dealing with stress, lack of sleep, and being tired at night due to the rigors of my work day while at the same time being attentive to the needs of my children. “

Are Men receiving mixed signals about masculinity and their parental roles and responsibilities?

“Oh, yeah!” exclaimed Mr. Hammond.

Where are these mixed signals coming from?  The media?   Popular music videos, films, television situation comedies, and society?

“Mixed signals are coming from the media, popular music videos, films, television situation comedies, and society. We need safe and sane men to model our livers after, not the media’s so-called heroes who have no real life or love to offer.  These folks are by and large empty, but have some talent.   Character is what I look for.”

What was Mr. Hammond’s motivation for writing, “Every Day Dad:  The Guide To Becoming A Better Man”?  What are some of the responses his book has received?

“This book is about hope, renewal, and a Life Renaissance – bout what is possible.  I wrote the book as a result of loss, death, and personal depression – all of which resulted in a personal Mid-Life Renewal and Renaissance.   The deaths of my father Bob Hammond, and my friend, Dan Gunderson, caused me to think about how I live my life and what kind of legacy I am leaving behind for my children, wife, and friends.  The deaths of two people very close to me made me realize the fragility and temporal nature of our existence.  Life really does go by quickly and must be cherished and relished.  My love for God, people, and especially parents and families has resulted in this work.  It presents the possibility of incremental, practical, and a workable personal healing and change.  It also presents methods for getting back on track as both a parent and as a person of value.  My goal is to help people avoid a midlife crisis and, instead, have a Mid-Life Renewal and Life Renaissance – a restoration of hope.  The responses to my book have been mostly great.   It is being called an ‘Encyclopedia  Of Fathering’ and a ‘Compendium For Parenting’.”

When asked to discuss the role that women can and should play in helping their husbands positively shape the minds and souls of our sons and daughters as they make their journey from childhood to adulthood, Mr. Hammond remarked:

“That is a nice question.   Joni – my wife – and I complement each other in every way, including parenting.  We complete our kids.”

Many men find that creating and implementing plans that move their families forward, holding their families together, and raising children to be a daunting task in the Millennium.  Why does parenting seem difficult in the Millennium?

“Men tend to be great planners, movers, shakers, project managers, people managers, but we are often horrid at building relationships with those we love.  Why is that?  Men can run businesses and governments, and even societies, but we are often lacking at running a family.  The family, our wife and children, often get the leftovers of our minds, bodies, and emotions at the end of the day.  Several of the reasons, the issues, problems, and challenges that Men face are part of what we call modern life.  For empire builders, and government runners, too many of the skills in our toolbox begin with the prefix ‘poor’:

-          Poor time management skills – being too busy and not managing time well enough.

-          Workaholism, perfectionism, poor skill sets with fathering.

-          Poor fathering examples – no father-mentors to speak of.

Buying, owning, and maintaining too many possessions and having ‘stuff’ plus a thousand other distractions – including low-priority activities such as computers, TV, gaming, hobbies, sports, and illicit activities – all vie to drain our time, attention, and energy so that, at the end of the day, we have little enough to invest where it counts:  our family.  When men get stuck, they never ask for directions.  How can we possibly admit weakness, vulnerability, or just being generally lost?   This all makes for a very sad situation.  Dads are not picking and living their priorities. Dads get lost, and they never ask for help.:

What is “Purpose Driven Parenting”?

“Successful parents are clear and spot on with what they’re trying to accomplish in training their children.  Discipline and focus must balance grace and mercy. There must be a balance between grace and discipline in managing a family in raising great kids.  Great parents are intentional parents.  They know what they’re doing and why they’re doing it.  Parenting also comes with the mandate to be flexible.  Flexibility coupled with humor, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and the ability to keep it light will help parents get through many a dark time.  Training our kids through leading them by example and serving them is also a key component in that our values are usually caught not taught.  This modeling of our values and walking our talk is key in setting an example for our kids to follow.  As we live our values as parents, our kids are taught and catch what we are instructing by the message of our lives and example.  The key is for parents to be totally focused on this key role, whilst understanding none of us are perfect – thus we need grace both on others and for ourselves as parents.”

What parenting advice do you have for Non-Custodial and Divorced Dads who only have partial custody of their children due to court-mandated custody arrangements and are unable to be physically present in their children’s lives every day?

“So, let’s talk about love and family.  How does our care translate practically into an inheritance and legacy we leave behind for them?  Our love for family should be a tangible, practical, actionable practice.  Our everyday parenting is a practical expression of intentional love, which by its definition leaves a footprint or legacy.  This can be good, bad, or ugly.  For most of us, it’s a mixed bag.  Preparing our kids for an inheritance is a far greater challenge than preparing an inheritance for our kids.  But herein lays the challenge.  I’d like to leave an inheritance for my children and to keep it for them, but I also need to keep them for it.  I want to leave my children a large inheritance, but also to prepare my children for that inheritance.  Acquiring and keeping an inheritance for them, but also keeping them for that inheritance is key to positive motivation.  I know I must love them unconditionally, making them my priority and focus, and to accept and respect and receive my children.  These are starting points for a quality inheritance for generations to come. What is the bottom line of what you want to leave behind as a parent?  Is it money? Portfolios?  Real estate? Stuff? Values? Faith? Ethics . . . or something much more?  One route calls for a gathering of stuff and goods in a portfo0lio to give away when we’re dead.   The other has to do with preparing our kids and investing in their lives by an intentional downloading of our values, ethics, spirituality, and so much more.  This preparing for an inheritance of life, relationships, and everything that’s important is far greater and compelling payoff for those whom we leave behind when we pass.”

What’s next for you?

“Being a faithful man . . . doing what God is showing and calling me to do – grow my family, be a good guy and churchman, and love my wife, and leave a legacy of love.”

*          *           *

Legacy Leaver?

Be a Leader/ “Legacy Leaver”

Leadership means many things to many people. I think it means being proactive, being the first, and:

• Taking the initiative
• Setting the standard
• Managing effectively
• Planning often and well
• Resourcing whenever possible
• Identifying the vision, goals, and priorities
• Setting the example, always

A good leader takes responsibility and says; “The buck stops here!” when something is not right.

Leaders show the way and model through active example what they’re trying to express and accomplish.

They press on and press in, and they run counter to the culture of convenience and quick fixes. They refuse to get sidetracked by the “bright and shiny objects”, the diversions, and side-eddies of our culture.

They strain and strive with intentionality and energy to build relationships and create a legacy, a heritage, and a family.  They do much of this by simply taking the initiative, being intentional, and by writing and accomplishing compelling goals that are relationship-based.

Parents, you are the key; you are the leader. You must be intimately in touch with your mission, goals, and objectives as a parent. This requires discipline, selflessness, living your priorities, and time management. You must leverage the hours of your day and be intentional in everything you do. Time is the only resource you’re guaranteed to have.

The key here is to write down what you want… dream it, plan it, and do it.

The questions are…

1. Who are you?
2. What do you want?
3. Why are you here?
4. What is not working, that you would like to see work?
5. What is happening now, that should vanish?

The answer to these questions will determine your “brand” as a parent and as a leader. What “brand” are you now? What  “brand” do you want to be?

Here are some thoughts on leaving a legacy and heritage:

What will they say when you’re gone?

A good parent transfers the following attributes and character qualities to her/his children…

• Love for God (as you understand Him)
• Love for people
• Values
• Ethics/ knowledge
• Wisdom and understanding
• Love and compassion and kindness
• Positive  attitude and motivation

Great parenting requires us as parents to raise children in the way they would be best served.

They are individuals, not part of a cookie-cutter machine. Therefore, we need to work with our kids on their level, meeting their needs, resourcing, respecting, and fostering the individuality of each child. We must study to know them and then resource their gifts, attributes, and skills. No two children are alike. This all requires patience on our part to work on their level, one or two things at a time.  Slowly, with a patient parents heart.

Who is leading your family?

• What will your best friends say at your funeral?
• What is a life well lived?
• What is greatness? Family Legacy?

Got to or………..Get to?

“Have to” vs. “Get to”

The key here is attitude. You don’t HAVE to do these things. But, you GET to do these things. Your motivation and attitude is everything so decide now in the seat of your will that this is a priority to you, and you will succeed at it! When will you get started on your Parenting Plan?

How will it look when you schedule your kids into your life and keep your appointments with them? What will it take for you to be the initiator and leader with the plan and in your family?

Our priorities need to become people and relationships. Learning to be here now is a key aspect to developing these key relationships. As we all know, time flies when you’re having fun.  Kids grow, people die, people move on and life changes very rapidly.  This is why slowing down and enjoying relationships and people and being in the moment is such a key piece to enjoyment and fulfillment in life.

To align yourself with high quality of life and living is to have fun, enjoyment, and to be a lifelong learner and contributor.  The results are compelling-satisfaction with our lives, relationships and legacy: joyful participation.

Do you have a plan in training yourself to relax and be in the moment? Do you have a vision to train yourself to enjoy the moments?  Are you able to suspend your inner Type A person and duct tape him in the corner?  Can you suspend activities to do that which gives us real-life?  Will you align with your priorities and live in the “now?”

The result will be no regrets in your old age or on your deathbed. Will you be able to look back and truly give thanks for life and the legacy left to others?  Can you die happy and fulfilled knowing you did your part and left a heritage that was compelling to other people? When it’s all said and done what is fathering success? What does it look like?

The answer lies in a word: Relationship.

Our relationships define our “success” in this world. So, how‘s the wife and kids?

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