If you could have 3 Parenting “do overs” what would you do differently? Part 2.

Results from our Informal Survey…

A lot of Doug’s advice struck a chord for me- the 3 things I took from his memorial service were:

1.) LIVE FOR TODAY. Do not dwell on the past, learn from your mistakes, but do not let them haunt you. Do not get caught up in the future. LIVE for the PRESENT! If you make today a success the success will continue into the future.

2.) COACH/MENTOR- take an active role in your children’s interests. Doug coached his last lacrosse game for his younger son’s team just a few weeks before he past away. His boys did not win that day, but they still felt like winners. Doug taught them that what was important was that they played their best, had fun, and had love & respect for their teammates and their competitors. Doug was in the habit of asking his team- “What is my job?” They would respond- “to love us.” “What is your job?” “to love each other.” I am not sure where Doug got these mottos but the point was- teaching & mentoring kids is great for the kids- but was also incredibly rewarding for Doug.

3.) LET GO OF REGRET’S! As tragic of a loss as it was to lose Doug at such a young age- he did get an incredible gift- his diagnosis forced him to let go of regrets. Every man has things he wishes he did differently but we are forgiven for our mistakes- and we should not dwell on them.

Anyhow- sorry for the long response- but these are some of the things I learned from my buddy Doug. And even though he was a “Man’s man” he was never embarrassed to say- “I love you Man!’ and neither am I.

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Being a grandparent of two provides remarkable insight into my parenting background. Between my wife and I, we have grown daughters and all that comes with it.
1. I would be more relaxed about encouraging my offspring to explore and think for themselves.
2. I would instill less fear of uncertainty
3. That’s it because, while parenting was a “surprise” for me in my mid-thirties, I can’t imagine life without having at least one child.

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Nothing! That doesn’t mean that I was a perfect parent. I simply would go through that season with the faith that carried me through it the first time. I believe that each child has his/her own spirit, soul, mind, emotion and will. I’d to my best, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to guide that child in the direction of their bent. I have noticed little consistency between what we may consider “great” parenting and how kids turn out. Raising a child is such an act of “trusting God” and a daily dose of humility as those little innocent creations remind us that we are not God and that we need to depend on Him all the more. What a terrifying responsibility…to bring a child into the world via birth or to parent via the blessing of adoption. Yet, having said all of that…I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

If you could have 3 Parenting “do overs” what would you do differently? Part 1.

Great question: these are the Result of our Informal Survey…

1. I would prepare earlier for adolescence. It’s a huge transition, and it starting to occur earlier – emotionally, if not physically.

2. I would challenge my kids more, earlier. I would give them higher levels of responsibility and allow them fail more often.

3. I would take more mission trips and fewer traditional vacations.

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The 3 do overs I would focus on:

* Provide chores at an earlier age and stress the value of money
* Give more independence at an earlier age. (walk to store, go out with kids)
* Spend more “quality” time (take on more my speaking engagement trips, don’t overwork, etc.)

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1). I would have had all my kids go through the family meetings we did with the last four. The results on that go-around were amazing.

2). I would have done a better job of exposing all of my kids to the world – through travel and volunteerism. Time just got away. Exposure and Experience are the two greatest forces for creating Tolerance and Compassion.

3). I would have taught them better about finances and personal responsibility. They had specific chores and schedules with consequences clearly communicated, and we weren’t all that free & easy with allowances. But we didn’t enforce the savings account rules, and we helped them more than we should have with some of the things they would have appreciated more if they had participated in earning the ability to buy it themselves.

Fun 2nd Annual Fathers Day Writing Contest

In honor of Father’s Day 2009 and fathers everywhere www.becomeabetterfather.com is sponsoring a Father’s Day writing contest.  We want to know our readers opinions of what it takes to be a great father.

We value your opinion and would love to hear from you and what you think makes a great dad.

The question we pose is: ” My Dad is (was)awesome because…”

That’s it!

Here are the official rules…

1. Write about what you think a good father is (A poem,essay, or other writing form) and post on your blog with a link back to this blog post. LIMIT 300 WORDS.
2. Email your entry to sjhammond@suddenlink.net.
3. You must have your entry posted by midnight, Pacific Standard Time, June 21st, 2009.
4. June 22nd at 9pm PST, 2009, the lovely Mrs. Hammond and I will pick a winner based on what we think rocks!
5. The winner receives a free full one-hour consultation with Scott Hammond, a  Starbucks gift card, a full-featured blog post on become a better father.com, a cool certificate,and much much more!
6. We will post an entry on this blog on June 22nd 2009 containing links to all the entries, so you will get a free link out of the deal.
7. We will also do a press release on the winner of the Fathers Day Writing Contest… to be determined.

That’s it and good luck!   The question remains: ”My Dad is (was) awesome because…”

Best,

Scott Hammond FO-9
Father of Nine

What 3 compelling things did your dad do well when raising you? Part 2.

Though I have more than three compelling things to list that my dad did well, here are three that come quickly to mind.

1) My dad taught me the value and activity of work. He didn’t just tell me that it would be good for me, he forced me to learn to work at an early age and then called attention to all the benefits and rewards that were derived from my efforts. Many of those early lessons were difficult, oftentimes not fun…but infinitely valuable to me today.

2) My dad taught me the value of quality performance. He was never one to do a job in such a way as to simply get it done. He always focused on the quality of the job performance as one of its key measurements. In fact, while I was in 3rd grade he wrote something in my elementary school “autograph book” that I still have and remember today: “Any thing worth doing is worth doing well.” It’s great advice and better still if learned and practiced from an early age.

3) My dad taught me the value of a good story. My dad was a great storyteller in the tradition of many of the southern neighbors I grew up around in western Kentucky. His stories could make you laugh, could make you cry, could make you think, could make you cringe and were always guaranteed to make you feel better–whether it was the first or the hundred and first time you had heard them. He taught me that stories were a wonderful way to bridge the gap between people.

Scott, I don’t know if these help or not, but I applaud your efforts to show others how to Become A Better Father…the world certainly needs that right now.

All the best!

Phil

My Most Popular Post

10 THINGS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY $$

Remember, there are many things in life that are far more important than the size of your investment portfolio or the size of your latest paycheck.

Too often in our capitalistic society, we place too much emphasis on financial achievement and too little on the importance of living a purpose driven life.

1. Family… your spouse, your parents, and her kids should come first. Just simply providing for them does not make your family, your number one priority. There is far more you can do for them with quality and quantity time. Love is spelled…. TIME.
2. Friends… the older some of us get, the less time we have for our friends. Some people get too busy climbing the success ladder and may not even make time for friends. Big mistake. So many things in our society are disposable, and sadly, friends too often fall into that category. Take time to invest in your friendships, both old and new. How hard is it to schedule a Starbucks coffee, pick up the phone, or write an e-mail?
3. Your health… stress, poor diet, lack of exercise, poor relationships with you and your family… all of these can adversely affect your health. Getting caught up in your career and working endless hours can also lead to neglect of one’s health. Workaholism can be deadly. The lack of discipline in making exercise, sleep, a good diet, and a healthy lifestyle can be dangerous if not deadly as well. You get one body, take care of it and treat it with the respect it deserves.
4. Kids… investing in your kids is absolutely one of the best investments you can make. Understanding how to relate to, love, care for, and communicate with your kids is vital to becoming a more fulfilled and complete person. Our future is our children. What kind of legacy are you leaving behind? Relationships that are fully orbed or just a fat portfolio?
5. Education… being a lifelong learner is a lifelong process. It’s not about being enrolled in the school or a fancy college or receiving a piece of paper. It is, however, about being someone who is hungry to learn, willing to change, and ready to embrace new ways of looking at life and the universe. As long as you have your mental capacities, you can keep learning and building on what you already know. Your mind is a terrible thing to waste.
6. Having fun… people get so caught up in society’s money game that wealth becomes an addiction, an obsession, and the purpose for their existence. How many wealthy people aren’t healthy people who spend far too much time and energy chasing promotions, money, and possessions. We can end up with lots of toys and turn out to be pretty unhappy people… big mistake.
7. Solving social problems… how can you be a voice in society for those who do not have the ability to speak for themselves? Whether it’s poverty, divorce, suicide, teenage pregnancy, name your issue… you can have a voice and be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. Your community is full of opportunities for you to volunteer, donate time or money, and get involved.
8. Your neighbors… give the neighbors a chance. Don’t write them off because they aren’t the same age, race, or occupation as you. What’s the sense of neglecting neighbors, since they can be sources of friendship, if given a chance? Part of our connection to the greater society is defined by our neighborhoods, which are full of neighbors— who could be friends we haven’t met yet.
9. Appreciating/valuing what you have… right now make a list of 10 things that you really appreciate. What is on your list? Despite our overall affluence, we still lament material things we lack rather than appreciating and valuing the material and nonmaterial things we do have. Don’t forget relationships.
10. Your reputation… a good name is to be had above riches. It takes a lifetime to build a reputation, but only moments to lose it. We chase after many things in life, and we often de-value and under-invest in relationships which should have our focus and priority. How many men have thrown it all away in a quick but twisted attempt at some forbidden fruit?

Compelling Holiday Tradition

We have a very cool Christmas tradition in Humboldt County, California.

For the last 20 years we’ve taken our family as a holiday ritual to the Ben Hurd Christmas tree farm.

There we have established a Christmas tradition and legacy that is both compelling and meaningful.

We have enjoyed over 20 years of Christmas and holiday warmth, relationship, and the love of family and community by the simple act of securing a lot of Christmas tree.   Here’s how…

1. Family tradition– it’s really cool to look forward to a single event that defines and refines our family holidays traditions. Simple act of going to get a Christmas tree is a legacy and tradition in and of itself.  It really makes a difference, because the experience and people are so wonderful, warm, and festive.
2. The people–Ben Hurd and his family really make the experience compelling.  They are kind and gentle folk, who really are hospitable and know how to make folks feel at home.
3. The farm– the actual setting of the tree farm is really beautiful.  Being surrounded by holiday cheer and hundreds of Christmas trees really brings home the fact that it’s Christmas time.
4. The drill– from the obtaining of the saw,the selection of the tree, to the actual cutting of the selected tree… the fun and joy is self-evident.
5. The afterglow– one of the things that they do at the tree farm is to provide a hot pot belly stove, fresh homemade wassail, and fresh homemade cookies.  This ritual after a tree cutting ceremony is the perfect afterglow for such a wonderful holiday experience.
6. The cost– the price is nominal for such a priceless experience.  It is certainly the bargain of the year.
7. The legacy– this experience is the stuff of legacy and holiday tradition for families.  It’s easy to plug into — all we have to do is get in the van and go!  Show up, create a legacy… it’s literally that easy.

The relationships, experience, shared tradition, memories, food, time together, and, oh yeah, the tree– all add up for a wonderful holiday tradition that can only be found, if sought after. Get in the van and forget about the tree lot.  Blot it out of your mind– it is a thing of your past.  Make the tree farm your new family holiday tradition, and you’ll be amazed at how quickly and subtly you’ve created a very cool holiday tradition for yourself and your family.

Leaving a Living Legacy:Relationships

What will your best friends say at your funeral?

I came home from a road trip and my wife sat me down at the foot of our bed and said, “Your friend Dan Gunderson is dead”.

I couldn’t believe my ears, hoping it was a joke.

It was no joke.

This death caused me to think…

1. What is a life well lived?
2. What is greatness
3. What does a legacy look like?

I have three questions for you and myself…

1. Who has invested their time, life, and gifts in you?
2. What would your best friends say about you?
3. Who are you now investing your life skills and gifts in?

Someone who invested in me was my dad Bob… he was a real SOB (Sweet Old Bob).

He modeled and lived a life built on relationships.

You could pack all that he owned into his Chevrolet, but he left us incredible riches…

a great love and relationship with people, God, and nature.

1. People.

My father built relationships with everyone, whether in Alcoholics Anonymous, church, family, or just on the street. He built and fostered relationships with everyone he met.

I brought him into my sales office to share his sales genius.

We were all prepared with notepad and pen in hand…

All he said was, “If you’re in this for the money, you’re only about half paid”

That was it! I was a little annoyed and disappointed that he didn’t have more and refused to speak more on the sales craft.

It’s taken me 30 years, but now I realize the genius of my father’s statement… which is build relationships with people and you’ll be paid in incredible riches.

2. God.

My father was a World War II P 51 Mustang fighter pilot.

He killed many people in the South Pacific theater during the war.

Through sobriety that AA afforded him, he forgive himself and others, and connected to a relationship with God.

The Alcoholics Anonymous’ “higher power” had a name, face, and a real love, which my father translated to all he met.

He gave a grace and mercy and forgiveness to both himself and all those he knew.

3. Nature.

My dad loved his flowers, and he had a tremendous appreciation for nature, creation, and all things that grew.

He would stop us in a park or a golf course and say,” Scott come and smell this flower, check out this plant!”

I would dutifully give the cursory sniff, only to find that he was right.

There was beauty all around us if we were only willing to stop and smell the flowers.

He taught me the best things in life are not things at all… they are a love for people, for God, for nature.

How do we leave a legacy?

Are we object-oriented people or relationship-oriented people?

An object-oriented person treasures and values that which is temporal.

Examples would be possessions, travel, experience, wealth, pleasure, etc.

A relationship-oriented person, on the other hand, values that which is more eternal and immortal.

Examples would be… being compassionate, a good listener, showing kindness, saying I love you, being a hugger, and generally valuing all people.

Your three more questions for you…

1. What is most important to you?
2. If you could change anything about your life what would it be?
3. Why aren’t you doing that right now?

For me the answer is to invest in relationships and leave a piece of myself behind.

By investing in relationships, you will leave a richness in others, make a difference, and you will be changed.

One person who made a change in me was my deceased friend Dan Gunderson.

At his memorial, which was awesome and compelling and showed a life well lived, a little girl came forward to say a few words.

She bounced up front, happy and joyful, and began to speak of Dan’s love for her…then broke down and choked out, “Dan was my next-door daddy!!”

She wept openly as only a child can do.

Dan had taken the time to build a relationship with someone who was not core family, business, church, or other venue.

She was a little girl next door, and he reached out to her and made a difference.

My question to you, going forward, is just this…

To whom will you be a “next-door daddy“?

To whom will you reach out and make a difference in their lives …just because?

11 Guidelines for Fathers Day

11 Guidelines For Effective Parenting

1. Really listen. Listening creates clear communication by giving undivided attention and encouraging expression of feelings. Have real conversations, when you both listen and respond/react to each other.
2. Encourage family activities. A sense of belonging is developed by doing things together, from social activities like driving to the store, going on an outing, or doing something fun together, to household chores or projects.
3. Discipline constructively. It is important to give clear directions and to enforce limits on behavior. Use a positive approach: “Do____”, rather than “Don’t___”.
4. Be consistent. Discuss and post house rules. If they change, announce the change. Better yet, have a family meeting to discuss the changes.
5. Be clear. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t try to tell the other person what you think it is they want to hear. Stop being a pleaser… you will never please everyone, least of which yourself.
6. Be reasonable and understanding. Be willing to hear your child’s point of view. Have logic and compassion. Use grace and truth. Speak the truth in love.
7. Be flexible. Bargaining is an effective tool. Don’t major on the minors. Consider the individual.
8. Be authoritative. Trust in your own common sense. If you are not sure about a decision, announce the need for some time to think about it. Then, do not hesitate or be indecisive; simply lead.
9. Develop mutual respect. Model basic trust by being honest and sincere yourself. Insist that all family members treat each other with honor and respect. Be the first to apologize and repent when you err.
10. Attend to your own needs. Maintain your individuality and cultivate your interests and talents. Treat yourself well, thus avoiding the martyr syndrome.
11. Maintain a sense of humor. Finding humor in life is an important aspect of personal adjustment. Humor is a decision. It reflects a positive outlook that keeps issues in perspective, and separates what is really important from what is not.

3 Top Mistakes Dads Make

1. Not Having Family as #1 Priority….Not having and keeping family relationships at the top of life’s priorities.  Identifying and making your wife and children the focus of your life and existence.

2. No Time Management/Execution….Not really living and investing your resources(time, money,focus,gifts, and life units) in family life/relationships.  Allowing the urgent to dominate the truly necessary.

3. No Accountability/Responsibility….Answering to no one at any time.  Not having someone who will hold you accountable and ask the hard questions about living your said family/fathering priorities.

Father’s Day News Release

For Immediate Release

New Website Become a Better Father.com announces its podcast, blog, and online videos just in time for Father’s Day

McKinleyville, California. June 2, 2009. Scott Hammond, author, speaker, and parenting expert, releases, just in time for Father’s Day, exciting new resources for parents via his Web site: Become a Better Father.com. Visitors can expect a wealth of information that helps them employ Purpose-Driven Parenting to strengthen their family relationships and improve their lives.

As a father of nine (including two special needs children) and an extensive background in leadership training, coaching, consulting, writing, and public speaking, Hammond brings a unique and dynamic energy to helping others become better, more-effective fathers. Although Scott Hammond coaches fathers in particular, his offerings are not limited to just men. Anyone who parents can use his system to make great improvements in their familial relations and enjoy happier, healthier existences. Some of Mr. Hammond’s personal, encouragement-based coaching involves: effective goal setting, honest self evaluation, integrity-based communication, and credibility in word and action.

Are you an effective parent?

Hammond states, “Every parent feels a need to improve their parenting skills, to better reach and teach their children, and to leave a lasting, loving legacy so all family members can live healthier, richer, more productive lives. My parenting program helps fathers identify what they really want, to come forward and embrace their role in the family, and take the steps required for strong, lasting, and positive relationships”.

New Website Features, Just in Time for Father’s Day

The Become a Better Father.com Web site now features podcasting, You Tube videos of Scott in action, a Father’s Day writing contest, an award-winning Toastmasters speech titled, “The Upside of Down Syndrome”, Scott’s Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers materials, how to leave a healthy and strong legacy for our children, and much more.

As a trainer, coach, writer, speaker, consultant, and father, Scott Hammond delivers a comfortable, personal, and informal speaking style that motivates, inspires, and compels others toward positive personal and professional change. With a 30-year, award-winning background in radio, newsprint, and television media, Scott is uniquely qualified to offer a balanced perspective on family and career achievement.

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