Gabriel Speech–Leave a Legacy

10 KEYS TO RAISING EXTRA UNIQUE KIDS

Extra Mile Parenting; 10 Keys To Raising Extra-Unique Kids

Extra-mile parents are those who accept their child’s condition, are aware of their family’s emotional needs, and seek to build a positive attitude in their family culture. They have learned to grieve openly, celebrate freely, respect the feelings of each family member, and to get the focus off themselves. These parents are heroes we have much to learn from. Here are ten keys to help you become that extra-mile parent.

1. Patience. Everything comes more slowly to EU kids. Milestones are fewer and far apart, but this makes achievements all the sweeter.
2. Acknowledge grief. Revisiting grief is normal and natural, especially at birthdays, special occasions, or other milestone events in your child’s life. Allow yourself room to grieve and talk, and then move on.
3. It’s not about you. Remember it’s really about accepting your child and being OK with who they are. Don’t make it about yourself; remember your goal is to resource, facilitate, and love your child first.
4. Support. Find and link up with like-minded parents who are willing to be real, genuine, and transparent about their lives, struggles, and victories.
5. Slow down. Be here now and focus on enjoying your EU child. Get into their world by being present and in the moment, and stepping off of your own life roller coaster, even if only for a few moments.
6. Let your child teach you. Learn from their simplicity, spontaneity, and the joy with which they approach life. Learn from their perspective how to enjoy simple things again.
7. Making comparisons. Avoid the dangerous pitfall of comparing your child to any others. She is unique, perfect, and valuable, so enjoy her as God made her.
8. Unrealistic expectations. When your expectations are beyond what is realistic, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Be aware and honest with your unspoken and even subconscious, unrealistic expectations of your family life.
9. Vicarious identity. Remember, it’s not about you. When you feel embarrassment, shame, or perceived disapproval of your child, it’s not about you or your reputation, or your value as a person. Consider this…is it possible the problem lays in others, or even yourself? Ultimately, this is about being OK with who you are as a family and accepting and even celebrating it.
10. Be Yourself. Focus on being real, transparent, and authentic as you walk through life and your EU experience. Keep a good sense of humor and be willing to really laugh and have a perspective which allows you to have fun, enjoy life, and be yourself in the context of your family challenges.

THE UP SIDE OF DOWN SYNDROME:An Award Winning Speech

The 2008 Toastmasters International Speech Contest Winner for Northern California.the-upside-of-downs-final

The Ups of Downs…Refined and Revised Toastmasters Speech May 2008

THE UPS OF DOWNS

1.RING……… HOSPITAL…ULTRASOUND STORY…PREGNANT WIFE

(THE $1M QUESTION WAS IN OUR MINDS…MR TM, FELOW TM & GUESTS)

2.  INTRODUCTION…What would be our LESSONS WITH GABE?

3.  RING…JONI’S WATER BROKE/BIRTH…Recovery and I went home

4.  RING…JONI FROM SACRAMENTO…JONI IS CALLING ME TO SAC

·        Joni is SUPERWOMAN

5.  MEETING WITH STERILE DOCTOR /NEXT DAY

·                    DOWN YES…MARRIAGES FAIL WITHIN 1 YEAR/FAMILY IN PERIL

·                    MY HEART BROKE THEN

·                    HAVE YOU HAD YOUR HEART BREAK?  WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

·                    WHAT I DID WAS…WALK

 

 6.  THE WALKS AT UC DAVIS… GABE NEVER FATHER, FOOTBALL OR ENGINEER…TEARS, PRAYER, NEGOTIATE, ANGER THEN…

·        RELEASING CONTROL, ACCEPTENCE, FAITH, and DECIDING LOVE

 

7.  9 YEARS LATER…MICAH STORY…NO GOOD BAD DAY…

·                    ALL BOY, 3 YEARS, MELTDOWN TANTRUM,” MICAH STOP!”

·                    GABE IN A SPECIAL NEEDS MOMENT OF GST (STORY)

·                    JONI…I DON’T KNOW ABOUT MICAH.I LIKE DOWN SYNDROME/GABE

 

8.  GABE HAS TAUGHT US…HE HAS BECOME OUR TEACHER …

GABE HAS SPECIAL NEEDS OF INTELLECT…NONE OF SPIRIT

SO VERY…LOVING, GENTLE, AND KIND

·                    SLOW DOWN…BE HERE NOW…BE PRESENT…ENJOY LIFE AND GST

·                    MEANS TO BE HERE NOW, BE PRESENT AND ENJOY THE MOMENT

 

·                    TO …SMILE MORE OFTEN…LET ME SHOW YOU (DEMO)

10. LET’S TRY IT TOGETHER….

·        LOOK UP…SMILE…LOOK …BREATHE…GET IT…FEEL IT?

·        BREATHE, RELAX, SMILE, A HAPPY PLACE?

·        LADIES AND GENTS WELCOME TO GST….GABRIEL STANDARD TIME

                    (MR. TOASTMASTER……)

 

 

Connection Crushers

Avoid connection crushers

Arnold Sanow

“Stick and stones can break my bones,

but words can break my heart.”

Robert Fulghum

When verbal garbage gets dumped, it causes a cesspool of negative reactions. Put-downs, sarcasm, accusations, and other verbal barbs stir up energy as egos jockey for respect. Verbal attacks usually deploy self-defense mechanisms and obliterate positive connections.

Certain words or phrases block connections cold, and make us steamed simultaneously! (They kick up a whirlwind of emotion, just like in weather patterns, when cold and warm conditions combine to form a tornado!) Connection crushing communication usually brings out the beast, rather than the best in others. This includes: (From the book, “Get Along with Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere … 8 keys to creating enduring connections with customers, co-workers … even kids” by Arnold Sanow and Sandra Strauss, www.getalongwithanyone.com

Connection-Crushing Communication

· Blaming and accusations

“If you hadn’t screwed up, we wouldn’t be in this mess!”

“How could you ever . . .?”

· Sarcastic remarks

· Profanity

· Discriminatory remarks or insults about age, gender, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation

· Denial statements

· “It can’t be that terrible!”

· “You’re telling a bunch of lies!”

· “You shouldn’t say those things.”

· “You’re wrong!”

· “That’s not true.”

· “I don’t believe you.”

· Name-calling, put-downs and anything that makes someone else feel inferior or stupid:

· “I told you so!”

· “How many times have I told you (or gone over this)?”

· “What an absolutely stupid thing to say!”

· “I can’t believe how unprofessional you looked!”

· “What an idiot! How could you do such a thing?”

· “Can’t you ever do anything right?”

· Ultimatums and threats

“If you don’t, then . . .”

“You better or else!“

· Demands

· “Do it now!”

· “Do as I say!”

· “That’s the end of it. I don’t want to hear another word!”

· Gross generalizations and exaggerations

“You never do what I ask! “

“You always say that!“

“Everything is always such a crisis with you.”

“All you ever do is complain!”

“You’re always late!

“I’ve told you a million times to clean up your room!

“Why don’t you ever . . .?”

· Emotionally loaded responses

“Here we go again!”

“Oh, brother, I can’t believe you!”

“I know exactly what you’re thinking!”

“That’s not how it happened!”

· Impatient remarks

“Not now!

“Keep it short.”

“Hurry up!”

· Especially for parents: Unfortunately like verbal DNA, the least favorite phrases of childhood are often passed down to the next generation, only to get on the nerves of their offspring. This cycle continues, as they in turn, repeat the same unproductive and disempowering statements. Here’s a sampling:

“How many times do I have to tell you . . .?”

“If you do that one more time, I’m going to . . .”

“What did I just say?”

“When I was your age, I always . . . “ (Beware! If you use this phrase, just watch their eyes roll!)

Most of these responses invite escalation or discourage communication—they cause resistance, resentment, and reactivity. Although it might be very tempting to litter your language with “zappers,” it’s better to refrain from engaging in any verbal artillery. Verbal blows cause massive damage to relationships and crush your chances for keeping quality connections. To create good connections, make a commitment to consistently choose your words wisely.

Avoid going to extremes

Using extreme statements (never, always, everyone, all, everything) are exaggerations and bound to trigger some extreme reactions; they’re unfair and accusatory. The attacked instantly begin scrolling through their experiences, recalling when their actions proved otherwise, and hurl back the facts in self-defense. Unfair judgments generally fire up defenses!

Focus on the desired action by requesting information, “When can I expect the final report?” Ask questions, i.e. “What needs to happen on Tuesday evenings?” instead of blasting accusations, i.e. “You never remember to take the trash out!” Nudging with a simple one-word reminder, “Trash” also makes the point. Nudge rather than nag!

When inflammatory, extreme remarks are unfairly lobbed your way, reverse them with a question that refutes their unfair claim. Let’s say, you’ve been accused of never being on time. You know that statement is simply not true. It’s fair to repeat the statement as a means of discounting its validity, “I’m never on time?” Spoken in a dubious tone, with facial expressions to match your disbelief, makes the point. This repositions you in a fair light and demonstrates that you do indeed act responsibly; your actions speak louder than words.

Gabriel’s Story

Gabriel’s Story

This is a true story of our beloved son, Gabriel.

It all started with the ultrasound at Mad River Community Hospital. The ultrasound revealed the possibility of Down syndrome. Gabe had a 1 in 3 chance of having Down .
That question haunted us until Gabe’s birth.

My wife Joni was assigned a month’s bed rest and then gave birth to a mostly-healthy
baby boy. They were then flown overnight to UC Davis Medical Center in
Sacramento, where Gabriel was to have surgery to correct an intestinal blockage. After the surgery, both mother and son were fine!

The two dollar question was, did Gabriel have Down syndrome?
Meeting with the doctor, she assured us that he did have Down syndrome…and that we had less than one year left in our marriage. Her point was that parents of special needs kids have marital challenges. She was not very delicate. What a great nugget to drop on a couple in a vulnerable time!

The proceeding questions, heartbreak, prayer, and walks around the UC Davis campus crying out to God will always be etched in my memory.
I decided to dedicate Gabriel (and our raising him) to the Lord, and trust that, although he
would never be a football hero or a brain surgeon, his life would be both personally fulfilling and enriching to those around him. We were ready to move on and raise our son no matter!

The shame, embarrassment, and guilt that parents of children with special needs
children share is one of life’s dirty little secrets. Although not
rational, logical, or reasonable, these feelings are very tangible.

The feelings of sadness and gloom often come at unexpected and strange times.
Perception is reality. The pain is real.
The times of denial, reality hitting home, and the Costco gawkers staring at our Gabe, only serve to remind us at times of our frustration, pain, and anguish.

Every so often, the reality check of Gabriel’s special needs of
autism and Down syndrome come crashing in on us. Gabe’s episodes of dysfunction or meltdowns pull us out of our times of denial, where we have to admit, acknowledge, and again decide to go forward as parents.

We have learned to be honest with our feelings and with reality. We’ve chosen to redeem gain from all the pain as a couple and as a family to love regardless of “return on investment”.

· Some of the lessons learned include:
1. There is no one-time fix.
2. This is a long-term issue, challenge, battle, and journey requiring a long term mentality and approach.
3. A positive mental attitude and my positive confessions are not enough to get me through.
4. There is no “Bible bullet “or quick fix that is adequate to address my pain.
5. Whereas Gabriel may have retardation of his intellect, there is none of the spirit.
6. His worth has very little to do with his intellect or ability to contribute to society.
7. Societal worth is indeed a relativistic concept.
8. We’ve learned to give without expecting anything in return

The lessons learned have to do with my deciding to have the right perspective, attitude, actions, and behaviors.
The decision to love unconditionally is mine alone.
This unconditional love, stemming from the decision to love Gabriel, has transferred some of my pain into a long term perspective which is surprising, refreshing, and very interesting. He has taught us many lessons.

I’m learning to love freely regardless of the payback.
I’m learning to value all people.

I know that everyone has special needs.
Some of us just hide them better!

This unconditional love is a decision that begins in the seat of my will.
I must decide daily how and whom we will love.

My commitment as a father begins with loving my son and resourcing him
in every way to maximize his potential. I also need to maximize my
potential to love, accept, understand, and help Gabriel where
possible. My commitment is also to help my family to love Gabriel, to
be patient with him, and to see past his challenges to his many positive attributes.

My Mission Statement is this: “To personally and practically love, accept, and
go forward in raising my son to his fullest potential with God’s help”.
As I do this, I know that Gabriel has the potential to teach us to look for the things in life that are truly important. May I be as good a student as he is a teacher.

____________________________________________________________________________

SCOTT HAMMOND…Bio

Scott Hammond is a professional speaker, trainer, writer, and father of 9 kids. He lives in McKinleyville (Humboldt County), California, with his wonderful wife, Joni. Scott can be contacted at scott@BecomeaBetterFather.com or 707-616-7665.

Lessons From Gabriel…Outline of an Award Winning speech

The following is an outline of my award-winning Toastmasters International Speech Contest presentation.

It is an outline showing the process of what I work from as I develop a contest speech.

These are only highlight points and I color in the rest with the pertinent stories.

I Hope this might help someone developing a speech and or competing in a speaking contest…

Gabriel’s Story…THE UP SIDE OF DOWN SYNDROME

RING….and it all started with the ultrasound at Mad River Community Hospital. The ultrasound revealed the possibility of Down syndrome. Gabe had a 1 in 3 chance of having Down.

RING…That $1M question was ringing in our minds until Gabe’s birth…We knew little of Down or disabilities…

This is a true story of our beloved 7th son Gabriel. (TELL3)

Ring…My wife Joni SUPERWOMAN …

· 30 days in bed rest…Gave a birth…stress of her child’s state…Up all night..3am flight…up all the next day..

RING…Joni called…get a clue and get to Sacramento NOW! Mother and child were now recovering well.

The $1M question REMAINED did Gabe have Down?

Meeting with the doctor, she assured us that Gabe did have Down syndrome…Our marriage would be in Jeopardy and our family was in trouble… She was not very delicate… What nuggets to drop on a couple…WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED? DID I HEAR THAT RIGHT? THIS WAS MORE THAN I COULD BEAR!!

The proceeding questions, prayer, and walks around the UC Davis campus crying out to God will always be etched in my memory. How could he allow this to happen to us?

We simply did not have a road map for Gabe and wanted to be careful, successful, and help Gabe…WALKS,TEARS, PRAYER, THINKING, AND THEN…..RING…..I HAD IT!!
I decided to dedicate Gabriel (and our raising him) to the Lord, and trust that, although he might never be a football hero or a brain surgeon, his life would be both personally fulfilling and enriching to those around him. We were ready to move on and raise our son no matter!

We have learned to be honest with our feelings and with reality. Some of the lessons learned include:

1. There is no one-time fix. This is a long-term issue, challenge, battle, and journey requiring a long term mentality and approach.
2. A positive mental attitude and my positive confessions are not enough to get me through.
There is no “Bible bullet “or quick fix that is adequate to address my parental challenges.
3. Whereas Gabriel may have special needs of his intellect, there is none of the spirit. He is Really Special
4. Therapists are now part of our Extended Family forever

The lessons learned have to do with my deciding to have the right perspective, attitude, actions, and behaviors.
The decision to love unconditionally…

Gabe has taught us many lessons. RING…

1. To slow down. To love and live in the moment….be here now…TO ENJOY LIFE AND GABE.

2. To appreciate and celebrate accomplishments: Potty.

3. To be patient and to look outside the box and value all God has created.

I’m learning to choose to love freely regardless of the payback. I’m learning to value all people. I know that everyone has special needs. Some of us just hide them better!

My commitment as a father begins with loving my son and also to help my family to love Gabriel, to be patient with him, and to see past his challenges to his many positive attributes….and to love, accept, understand, and help Gabriel. He just needs a little extra help in life!!

Gabriel has the potential to teach us to look for the things in life that are truly important. May I be as good a student as he is a teacher. I’ll end with a story…

(Micah Story)

· 3 YEAR OLD…ALL BOY…HAVING A VERY BAD TIME

· NORMAL KID HAVING A TANTRUM

· PUBLIC HUMILIATION, ANNOYING, IRRITATING,

· GABE HAVING A SPECIAL NEEDS MOMENT….RING!!

____________________________________________

The 5 Languages of Love

“All we need is love”…Beatles wrote it because it’s true!

We all need love, and it must be demonstrated by us and to us.

The key question for me and you is can we be intentional about giving the appropriate type of love. To those we do love?

Here the five languages of love…

1. Words of affirmation… this includes encouragement, positive reinforcement, kindness, and general verbal affection.
2. Quality time… this includes focused attention, quality as well as quantity of time, and spending time with people we love.
3. Receiving of gifts… showing others we care, and that we are thinking of them through practical gift giving.
4. Acts of service… To show support and care through practical actions. To show in actuality what we feel internally: to serve someone.
5. Physical touch… To show, demonstrate, and receive appropriate physical touch: hugs, touching, appropriate physical contact.

I, being a man ,really like number five and number one.  A word of encouragement and appropriate hug can fill my emotional tank and keep me going for long periods of time.

What are your languages of love? What are you best at giving? Which do you love to receive the most?

Now go and be intentional about your giving and receiving of love…

Gabriel’s Story

Gabriel’s Story

This is a true story of our beloved son, Gabriel.

It all started with the ultrasound at Mad River Community Hospital. The ultrasound revealed the possibility of Down syndrome. Gabe had a 1 in 3 chance of having Down .
That question haunted us until Gabe’s birth.

My wife Joni was assigned a month’s bed rest and then gave birth to a mostly-healthy
baby boy. They were then flown overnight to UC Davis Medical Center in
Sacramento, where Gabriel was to have surgery to correct an intestinal blockage. After the surgery, both mother and son were fine!

The two dollar question was, did Gabriel have Down syndrome?
Meeting with the doctor, she assured us that he did have Down syndrome…and that we had less than one year left in our marriage. Her point was that parents of special needs kids have marital challenges. She was not very delicate. What a great nugget to drop on a couple in a vulnerable time!

The proceeding questions, heartbreak, prayer, and walks around the UC Davis campus crying out to God will always be etched in my memory.
I decided to dedicate Gabriel (and our raising him) to the Lord, and trust that, although he
would never be a football hero or a brain surgeon, his life would be both personally fulfilling and enriching to those around him. We were ready to move on and raise our son no matter!

The shame, embarrassment, and guilt that parents of children with special needs
children share is one of life’s dirty little secrets. Although not
rational, logical, or reasonable, these feelings are very tangible.

The feelings of sadness and gloom often come at unexpected and strange times.
Perception is reality. The pain is real.
The times of denial, reality hitting home, and the Costco gawkers staring at our Gabe, only serve to remind us at times of our frustration, pain, and anguish.

Every so often, the reality check of Gabriel’s special needs of
autism and Down syndrome come crashing in on us. Gabe’s episodes of dysfunction or meltdowns pull us out of our times of denial, where we have to admit, acknowledge, and again decide to go forward as parents.

We have learned to be honest with our feelings and with reality. We’ve chosen to redeem gain from all the pain as a couple and as a family to love regardless of “return on investment”.

· Some of the lessons learned include:
1. There is no one-time fix.
2. This is a long-term issue, challenge, battle, and journey requiring a long term mentality and approach.
3. A positive mental attitude and my positive confessions are not enough to get me through.
4. There is no “Bible bullet “or quick fix that is adequate to address my pain.
5. Whereas Gabriel may have retardation of his intellect, there is none of the spirit.
6. His worth has very little to do with his intellect or ability to contribute to society.
7. Societal worth is indeed a relativistic concept.
8. We’ve learned to give without expecting anything in return

The lessons learned have to do with my deciding to have the right perspective, attitude, actions, and behaviors.
The decision to love unconditionally is mine alone.
This unconditional love, stemming from the decision to love Gabriel, has transferred some of my pain into a long term perspective which is surprising, refreshing, and very interesting. He has taught us many lessons.

I’m learning to love freely regardless of the payback.
I’m learning to value all people.

I know that everyone has special needs.
Some of us just hide them better!

This unconditional love is a decision that begins in the seat of my will.
I must decide daily how and whom we will love.

My commitment as a father begins with loving my son and resourcing him
in every way to maximize his potential. I also need to maximize my
potential to love, accept, understand, and help Gabriel where
possible. My commitment is also to help my family to love Gabriel, to
be patient with him, and to see past his challenges to his many positive attributes.

My Mission Statement is this: “To personally and practically love, accept, and
go forward in raising my son to his fullest potential with God’s help”.
As I do this, I know that Gabriel has the potential to teach us to look for the things in life that are truly important. May I be as good a student as he is a teacher.