Disipline and Fathering Part 2.

“Boys want to know three things,” says 72-year-old Lew Powers, a 20-year veteran Boy Scout director. ‘One, who’s the boss? Two, what are the rules? And three, are you going to enforce them?’ To have a strong relationship with a boy, you have to be the boss, and a very kind one. Only set rules that you can enforce, and always enforce them. Then you have the basis for a relationship. From here comes respect and more importantly, trust.”

Being a good father means you discipline from a plan, not from emotion. Most fathers tend to shy away from traditional behavior systems, relying heavily on their ability to “discipline in the moment.” I have found in my practice that this is not a good way to go. In fact, to be perfectly honest, I find that it is one of our male weaknesses, such as failing to ask for directions when we know we are lost. In both cases, we need to use a map. And a behavioral map entails sitting down and plotting your course. What are your rules? Are you willing to enforce them in the same way every time? What will you do when you become aware that your child has left you severely frustrated? Will you yell? Will you say hurtful things that you’ll later apologize for? Make your map and chart your course.

Some brief notes on discipline:

Discipline strategies used by mother and father should be the same.

3 strikes you’re out
2 warnings
Consequences and rewards used by mother and father should be the same
Time out
Restriction

Raising your voice to get your child’s attention is not a problem as long as:

You are not out of control.
It doesn’t shame your child.
It doesn’t put your child in a position to care for you.
Raising your voice does have its risks. Your children will meet the bar that you set:
If you yell, they will yell.
If you shut down, they will shut down.
If you keep your poise, they will keep theirs.
DON’T HIT! This damages a child’s self-esteem and ability to bond and attach emotionally.

3 New Year Resolutions–Less is the New More

Less is more…

1. Spend more time with God…Pursue making time to simply be with Him in prayer, meditation, and quietly waiting on Him.
2. Loving my Wife Consistently…Making the time to grow in our relationship in dates, time, and having opportunities to grow in our relationship with God and each other. Loving my kids; Intentionally making them part of my day: everyday via play, talking and listening, and incorporating them into my life/schedule.
3. Self Discipline…Just executing reasonable discipline and time management in finances, cell time, web time, sleep,  healthy eating, exercising, driving safely, and eliminating absorption with over-achievement, fear, worry, and angst. Actually doing less ; which is the new More…

11 Guidelines For Effective Parenting

1. Really listen. Listening creates clear communication by giving undivided attention and encouraging expression of feelings. Have real conversations, when you both listen and respond/react to each other.
2. Encourage family activities. A sense of belonging is developed by doing things together, from social activities like driving to the store, going on an outing, or doing something fun together, to household chores or projects.
3. Discipline constructively. It is important to give clear directions and to enforce limits on behavior. Use a positive approach: “Do____”, rather than “Don’t___”.
4. Be consistent. Discuss and post house rules. If they change, announce the change. Better yet, have a family meeting to discuss the changes.
5. Be clear. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t try to tell the other person what you think it is they want to hear. Stop being a pleaser… you will never please everyone, least of which yourself.
6. Be reasonable and understanding. Be willing to hear your child’s point of view. Have logic and compassion. Use grace and truth. Speak the truth in love.
7. Be flexible. Bargaining is an effective tool. Don’t major on the minors. Consider the individual.
8. Be authoritative. Trust in your own common sense. If you are not sure about a decision, announce the need for some time to think about it. Then, do not hesitate or be indecisive; simply lead.
9. Develop mutual respect. Model basic trust by being honest and sincere yourself. Insist that all family members treat each other with honor and respect. Be the first to apologize and repent when you err.
10. Attend to your own needs. Maintain your individuality and cultivate your interests and talents. Treat yourself well, thus avoiding the martyr syndrome.
11. Maintain a sense of humor. Finding humor in life is an important aspect of personal adjustment. Humor is a decision. It reflects a positive outlook that keeps issues in perspective, and separates what is really important from what is not.