My Dad Bob—Died 6 Years ago Valentines Day

I am realizing that the pain of missing a loved one transforms with time. I actually relish remembering my father Bob–one of the Greatest Generation who impacted my life with his love for God, people, and nature.

Valentines Day is becoming a joy in rememberance of the love, fellowship, and good times we enjoyed with my earthly father, Bob Hammond. He was the sweetest guy who really “Got it” when it came to thankfulness and gratitude. He was always and eternally grateful for all the “nice occasions” he was experiencing by the grace of God. He always gave God all the credit….faithful, thankful, joyful, and prayerful…in all things.
I still find myself wondering why i am reacting or acting as he would have in given circumstances. Help!—I am becoming my dad!….both good, bad, and the ugly. At the end of the day my hope is in the resurrection at the end of days when Jesus calls us home and we have eternity to get caught up. this hope is a driving force to live and love and to go forward—even in grief. This Great Gathering is more than beyond what I can conceive in my puny brain–so I am forced to trust, believe and have faith in the word and the Author, Perfecter, and Finisher of my faith.
See you soon dad and Abba Father God.
Scott

Disipline and Fathering Part 2.

“Boys want to know three things,” says 72-year-old Lew Powers, a 20-year veteran Boy Scout director. ‘One, who’s the boss? Two, what are the rules? And three, are you going to enforce them?’ To have a strong relationship with a boy, you have to be the boss, and a very kind one. Only set rules that you can enforce, and always enforce them. Then you have the basis for a relationship. From here comes respect and more importantly, trust.”

Being a good father means you discipline from a plan, not from emotion. Most fathers tend to shy away from traditional behavior systems, relying heavily on their ability to “discipline in the moment.” I have found in my practice that this is not a good way to go. In fact, to be perfectly honest, I find that it is one of our male weaknesses, such as failing to ask for directions when we know we are lost. In both cases, we need to use a map. And a behavioral map entails sitting down and plotting your course. What are your rules? Are you willing to enforce them in the same way every time? What will you do when you become aware that your child has left you severely frustrated? Will you yell? Will you say hurtful things that you’ll later apologize for? Make your map and chart your course.

Some brief notes on discipline:

Discipline strategies used by mother and father should be the same.

3 strikes you’re out
2 warnings
Consequences and rewards used by mother and father should be the same
Time out
Restriction

Raising your voice to get your child’s attention is not a problem as long as:

You are not out of control.
It doesn’t shame your child.
It doesn’t put your child in a position to care for you.
Raising your voice does have its risks. Your children will meet the bar that you set:
If you yell, they will yell.
If you shut down, they will shut down.
If you keep your poise, they will keep theirs.
DON’T HIT! This damages a child’s self-esteem and ability to bond and attach emotionally.

Happy 26th Birthday Jacob

Jacob Hammond–
I love many things about you…
Your hanging out with me during your time of growing up .
Your sense of humor.
Your spending time with me, doing chores, projects, and jobs around the house/property.
Your selfless generosity to your family and friends.
Your fierce friendship when sticking up for others.
Giving rides, money, pizza, and ice cream to those to whom it meant much.
Your kindness to strangers,business clients, and customers.
Your diligence at work, school, and home
Your brotherly nature and love for your family.
Your telling me about your day.
Your servant’s heart.

This was written a few years ago and applies even more today.

You are a God Guy who loves freely and we are infinitely proud and glad to have you as our son.

Happy 26th Birthday son!

Dad

Gabriel Speech–Leave a Legacy

10 KEYS TO RAISING EXTRA UNIQUE KIDS

Extra Mile Parenting; 10 Keys To Raising Extra-Unique Kids

Extra-mile parents are those who accept their child’s condition, are aware of their family’s emotional needs, and seek to build a positive attitude in their family culture. They have learned to grieve openly, celebrate freely, respect the feelings of each family member, and to get the focus off themselves. These parents are heroes we have much to learn from. Here are ten keys to help you become that extra-mile parent.

1. Patience. Everything comes more slowly to EU kids. Milestones are fewer and far apart, but this makes achievements all the sweeter.
2. Acknowledge grief. Revisiting grief is normal and natural, especially at birthdays, special occasions, or other milestone events in your child’s life. Allow yourself room to grieve and talk, and then move on.
3. It’s not about you. Remember it’s really about accepting your child and being OK with who they are. Don’t make it about yourself; remember your goal is to resource, facilitate, and love your child first.
4. Support. Find and link up with like-minded parents who are willing to be real, genuine, and transparent about their lives, struggles, and victories.
5. Slow down. Be here now and focus on enjoying your EU child. Get into their world by being present and in the moment, and stepping off of your own life roller coaster, even if only for a few moments.
6. Let your child teach you. Learn from their simplicity, spontaneity, and the joy with which they approach life. Learn from their perspective how to enjoy simple things again.
7. Making comparisons. Avoid the dangerous pitfall of comparing your child to any others. She is unique, perfect, and valuable, so enjoy her as God made her.
8. Unrealistic expectations. When your expectations are beyond what is realistic, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Be aware and honest with your unspoken and even subconscious, unrealistic expectations of your family life.
9. Vicarious identity. Remember, it’s not about you. When you feel embarrassment, shame, or perceived disapproval of your child, it’s not about you or your reputation, or your value as a person. Consider this…is it possible the problem lays in others, or even yourself? Ultimately, this is about being OK with who you are as a family and accepting and even celebrating it.
10. Be Yourself. Focus on being real, transparent, and authentic as you walk through life and your EU experience. Keep a good sense of humor and be willing to really laugh and have a perspective which allows you to have fun, enjoy life, and be yourself in the context of your family challenges.

If you could have 3 Parenting “do overs” what would you do differently? Part 3.

The last installment of our Informal Survey…

ok. “do-overs”:
1. Stop saying, “No” immediately unless it’s a life threatening situation. Rather, come to their eye level or lower and explain to them why what they’re doing or thinking about doing might be a really bad idea, complete with realistic consequences of their actions.

2. Be more aware of the family history on mental health. Turns out depression runs in my family. Had no idea until 2 years after I figured it out. It really does take a toll on the family, especially the kids.

3. Take all that energy from yelling (see 2 above) and whisper. It’s amazing how quickly people shut down at loud noises, but perk up at really, really soft ones.

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Not had child number 1
Not had child number 2
Not had child number 3

Bad parenting day today…..ask me tomorrow and the answer will be different. Now if you will excuse me I have to go find out why…

Child number 1 thought it was okay to go to the bathroom at school and send a questionable song to all of his 5th grade friends on the emergency cell phone that he wasn’t supposed to have brought to school.

Child number 2 thought it was funny to tell a Chuck Norris and Virgin Mary joke to his friends during study hall that was definitely not appropriate for 8th grade students.

Child number 3 thought it would be okay if mom came home and found her and her boyfriend making out on the couch with his hands down her pants – she is 16.

Do you think it is too late to get a refund on them?

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I would have protected my children LESS from the cause and effect of thier own behavior.
I would have been more strict about responsibility.
I would have been less accepting of negative behavior.

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Scott,

I just joked today that I wish I had time to write the book “The Parent REDO”! How ironic…

As the mother of 2 ( 11 and 13), high maintenance pre teens, I do not think this space will have room for all of the “do overs” I could give you. You asked for three so here goes.

I would have kept “consistent” with rules…
I would have kept “consistent” with a routine/expected schedule…
I would have kept “consistent” with our overall expectations…

“Children will follow where we lead them..if we do not lead them, they will not follow.”

Permission granted to use quote from a guilty parent of great kids that have been lead by consistent love but not by consistent leadership. I will be the 1st to buy your book as the do overs are still possible…I hope!

If you could have 3 Parenting “do overs” what would you do differently? Part 1.

Great question: these are the Result of our Informal Survey…

1. I would prepare earlier for adolescence. It’s a huge transition, and it starting to occur earlier – emotionally, if not physically.

2. I would challenge my kids more, earlier. I would give them higher levels of responsibility and allow them fail more often.

3. I would take more mission trips and fewer traditional vacations.

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The 3 do overs I would focus on:

* Provide chores at an earlier age and stress the value of money
* Give more independence at an earlier age. (walk to store, go out with kids)
* Spend more “quality” time (take on more my speaking engagement trips, don’t overwork, etc.)

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1). I would have had all my kids go through the family meetings we did with the last four. The results on that go-around were amazing.

2). I would have done a better job of exposing all of my kids to the world – through travel and volunteerism. Time just got away. Exposure and Experience are the two greatest forces for creating Tolerance and Compassion.

3). I would have taught them better about finances and personal responsibility. They had specific chores and schedules with consequences clearly communicated, and we weren’t all that free & easy with allowances. But we didn’t enforce the savings account rules, and we helped them more than we should have with some of the things they would have appreciated more if they had participated in earning the ability to buy it themselves.

How to Ruin Your Kids

How to really whack at your kids… to truly mess up their innocence.—

I was flying on a plane and the folks across from you had a small boy named Alex. Alex was all boy… he was a hopelessly curious, always processing information, thinking, learning and asking questions. What was interesting about the story is that his folks were compelled to constantly correct is data. They corrected his questions, comments, deductions, vocabulary, language usage and so much more. They seemed compelled to be right more than they were about loving their Alex. In my mind, they were whacking their son, and setting them up for some sort of pathology as he grew older.

Children possess a rare innocence in Christ said, lest you become as a child you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven. They’re loving innocence and kindness makes them a model to learn from.

We as parents to take this innocence away with our sarcasm and snotty and snippy words and attitudes. Our anger and frustration and ongoing angst truly tends to whack our kids. Many of us have to be correct and right all the time or else... life becomes unchecked.

All of these corrections, reality checks, and “talkin tos” in the name of helping our children equates to cruelty, madness and translating much of our own personal issues and baggage over tour kids… why can’t we just be merciful?

Why can’t we just go with it when they’re in a stream of conscious flow of thought? Why can’t we urge them on as they dream out loud? Why can’t we verbally endorse their process and not worry so much about their content or conclusions, exclusively?

We can always come back later and dialogue and discover what is truth incorrect and right and good— but how can we ever get there if we are so busy correcting little Alex and his plethora of poor communication and logic?

The madness, we parents and adults possess and wanting to be correct– coupled with our moodiness is something that truly monitor and become aware of. … so as to intentionally jettison. We need to see our issues and own and fix them. We need to be in the moment and be present and enjoy our kids rather than hurt their hearts. We need to truly encourage the development and thought process so they can eventually discover the truth, and thereby be set free.

Next time your kid begins to verbally explore their world— go with it. You don’t have to be right or correct or the boss in authority (you are). You do need to be merciful and kind and gentle. You do need to see your own issues and tendencies in moodiness and anger and own them. You do need to be intentional about your issues to fix them. Quit trying to fix other people and go ahead and fix yourself. Quit trying to be correct and illicit rightness from all those around you and concentrate on being right in your own heart.

Be here now.

Be present.

Enjoy the ride!

5 Tools of Successful Families:Conclusion

The BIG PARENTING question remains: “What is the essence, core purpose, or bottom line of our parenting?

What do we want to leave behind and instill our children, and why?

At the end of our lives, what would we like to leave behind and pass on to our children?

What heritage, legacy, or inheritance will you leave?

What will they say about you when you are gone?…and you and I will be gone one day!

More importantly, how will they live when you are gone?

Our job as fathers and parents becomes paramount and hugely important for our kids!!

I believe some of that legacy incorporates the following…

• A foundation of faith in God
• Our/Their hopes ,dreams and visions
• Learning contentment and satisfaction
• Children learning to know who they are, and God
• Our kids understanding their strengths and weaknesses
• To know they are loved
• To understand fundamental knowledge and wisdom
• To own and live out real values and ethics
• To live a life of thankfulness and appreciation
• To possess as their own a love for God, people, the earth, and all living things
• To be able to apply wisdom, knowledge, and understanding… and so much more.

Why are we leave a legacy is as important as what we leave as a legacy.

You must ask yourself why you’d like to be a parent of the highest quality?

What is in it for you, your child, the world at large, and your children’s children?

What is your answer?

I want to leave my children a large heritage:a legacy for generations to come. I have a BIG vision for this stuff.

But herein lies the challenge…

I’d like to leave an inheritance for my children and to keep it for them, but I also need to keep them for it.

What I mean to say is I want to leave my children a large inheritance, but also to prepare my children for that inheritance. Acquiring and keeping an inheritance for them, but also keeping them for that inheritance is key to my motivation.

I know I must love them unconditionally, making them my priority and focus, and to accept and respect and receive my children. These are starting points for a quality inheritance for generations to come.

If not you, who?

If not now, when?

So why not you, and why not now.

5 Tools of Successful Families: #4. Grace

Law or grace?

That is the question…

How do you deal with your children and those around you when you’re angry, frustrated, tired, and burned out?…

Do you…

• YELL and raise your voice ?
• Play the martyr and do the silent treatment?
• Cuss and swear and scream?
• Dole out corporal punishment in the name of training ,control, and authority…

In other words, how to we use our authority?

When I talk about fathering, I think of how God the Father deals with me. And then I realize his kindness, patience, and love and see how short I fall as I deal with others…

God doesn’t always use a stick to beat us when we make mistakes… so why are we as fathers so quick to undress and apply the stick of punishment to those around us, especially our kids.

It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay to not like injustice, disobedience, immaturity, and some of the zany things kids do in their selfishness.

But what gives you and me the right when we are tired and frustrated to dole out law in the spirit of anger. Our Lord never modeled that type of authoritarianism. He did everything in love, including correction, chastisement, teaching, and encouragement.

You and I as men need to relearn authority. We need to not get caught up in the disciplinarian model and playing the heavy, which is so common in our society. We need to learn the authority of Jesus, based in love, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control.

We need to relearn the father heart of God, and how that applies to our leadership and authority over those for whom we have responsibility. We must be intentional and incremental in learning this model, as it will transform our parenting, and indeed, our lives.

So, the next time you’re faced with someone’s shortcomings, or your own, for that matter, what’s going to be different?

Will it be grace or law?

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