101 Ways to Praise

1. Wow
2. Way to go
3. super
4. you are great
5. excellent
6. Neat
7. remarkable
8. I knew you could do it
9. fantastic
10. superstar
11. nice work
12. looking good
13. on top of it
14. beautiful
15. now, you found it
16. catching on
17. now you’ve got it
18. Beautiful
19. you care
20. you’re a good friend
21. makes me happy
22. you make me laugh
23. you are joy
24. you are perfect
25. you rock
26. you’re the bomb
27. pure joy
28. your perfect
29. you’re the best
30. say, I love you
31. you’re fantastic
32. you’re on target
33. good job
34. that’s incredible
35. dynamite
36. you’re beautiful
37. don’t stop now
38. good for you
39. I like you
40. your darling
41. you are precious
42. you’ve discovered the secret
43. you’ve figured it out
44. thanks for sharing
45. you are important
46. You belong
47. you made my day
48. you all are a treasure
49. awesome
50. fantastic job
51. hip hip horray
52. magnificent
53. Marvelous
54. terrific
55. you are phenomenal
56. you are sensational
57. super work
58. great job
59. super job
60. fantastic job
61. exceptional
62. you’re a real trooper
63. you are responsible
64. you learned it right
65. what a good listener
66. you are fun
67. you are cool
68. you tried hard
69. I trust you
70. outstanding piece of work
71. you mean a lot to me
72. you’ve got a friend
73. that’s correct
74. you are wonderful
75. you make my day
76. high five
77. Way to go
78. You as a man
79. Sweet
80. dude
81. fabulous
82. outstanding
83. unbelievable
84. far out
85. Way cool
86. so nice
87. chill
88. special
89. I thank God for you
90. oh yeah
91. on target
92. super
93. You are the best
94. You have accomplished it
95. I adore you
96. you are totally getting it
97. you have mastered this
98. there’s nothing you cannot do
99. you have achieved greatness
100. I respect you
101. I LOVE YOU!

How to Win Friends and Influence People

How to Win Friends and Influence People

This is Dale Carnegie’s summary of his book, from 1936

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Table of Contents

1. Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
2. Six Ways to Make People Like You
3. How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
4. Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

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Part One

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

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Part Two

Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

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Part Three

Win people to your way of thinking

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.

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Part Four

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

A leader’s job often includes changing your people’s attitudes and behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this:

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

How to Give and Take Criticism

How to Give and Take Criticism like a Man Courtesy of the artofmanliness.com Dealing with criticism is a skill every well-adjusted man should possess. We give and take criticism among our co-workers, our friends, and our family. Criticism is an important part of our personal self improvement, for it is other people who can point out mistakes and shortcomings that we can’t see because we lack objectivity. Unfortunately, many young men today don’t know how to offer and accept criticism like a man. Instead they handle criticism like little boys. When giving criticism, they opt only to give snide, cutting jabs that do nothing to improve the situation. When receiving criticism, they sulk, make excuses, and argue with the person criticizing them. Ask any teacher who has the nerve of giving a student a poor grade. Today’s students will cry and whine their way to a better one. Or worst of all, have their parents intervene. They simply don’t know how to respectfully accept criticism. Because we all face situations every day that require us to give or take criticism, we provide the following guidelines on how to make the process more constructive. How to Give Effective Criticism Go in cool, calm, and collected. Before you begin to give criticism, make sure you have your emotions in check. This is particularly important if the person did something that really ticked you off. If you go in yelling and banging your fist on desks, you’ll probably get the problem fixed in the short term. However, when you don’t take the time to have a cool and reasoned discussion, you miss out on an opportunity to solve underlying problems. Be specific. If there’s one thing you remember from this post, let it be this: be as specific as you can in your critiques. Don’t just tell the person, “This sucks,” or “This could be better.” Explain exactly why their work or action is subpar. A blanket criticism will put the person on the defensive, and they’ll never be able to correct their problem. Criticize the action, not the person. Try to keep the person as separated from their mistakes as possible by criticizing their action and not them. It makes the criticism less hurtful and much more effective. So don’t say things like, “Jeez Louise you must be an idiot! Look at all these mistakes you made in this report!” Just because someone makes a mistake, that doesn’t make the person a pinhead. We all have bad days. Be a diplomat. When giving your specific criticism, it sometimes helps to use diplomatic words. Our old friend Benjamin Franklin was a master at this (which is why he was probably such a successful diplomat). In his autobiography, Franklin said this about using diplomatic language in discussion: When I advance anything that may possibly be disputed, [I never use] the words certainly, undoubtedly, or any others that give the air of positiveness to an opinion; but rather say, I conceive or apprehend a thing to be so and so; it appears to me, or I should think it so or so, for such and such reasons; or I imagine it to be so; or it is so, if I am not mistaken. This can help take the sharp edge off of criticism. Sometimes, however, people need that edge to spur them to action. Use your discretion in deciding whether a harsher approach would be more appropriate. Make specific suggestions for improvement. The goal of criticism should be to help someone make improvements. While specifically pointing out the problem is the first step to correction, if a person doesn’t know what they can do to improve, knowing their mistakes won’t help them one bit. Don’t just tell people what’s wrong with their work, give them specific suggestions on how they can improve it. The key word, once again, is “specific.” Personalize your approach. Consider a person’s disposition when deciding how to approach the delivery of your criticism. In general, you can be harsher with a man than with a woman. Case in point: at my high school there was an assistant football coach that tore his players up and down for their mistakes. His philosophy was to “tear them down and then build them up.” He then became the girls basketball coach and continued the same uber-harsh tough love approach to coaching. The girls did not respond as the football players had; instead, they broke down and cried and became so nervous before practice that some would throw up. Of course, some women want to hear it like it is, and some dudes are dainty. So think about who you’re dealing with before you lay into them. Point out positives. When criticizing someone, it’s always good to point out the positives in their work or actions as well. Two benefits exist from this exercise. First, it makes the criticism easier to swallow and reminds the person they’re not a complete screw up. Second, it shows the person what they’re doing right and gives them a reference point on which to base their future work. When beginning a conversations with someone, start with the compliments first. Then transition into your criticism by saying something like, “There is just one area I thought could use improvement……” Follow up. Always, always make sure to follow up after giving constructive criticism. Your criticism won’t do any good if the person doesn’t put into practice your suggestions. Schedule a follow up with the person you’re criticizing. Say something like, “How about we talk to each other next week to see how your changes are coming and to answer any new questions you might have?” By letting the person know you’ll be following up with them, they’re more likely to get their butt in gear and make the needed corrections. How to Take Criticism Consider the source. You’re going to receive criticism from thousands of people in your lifetime. It’s important to remember that not all criticism is created equal. Determining the source of the criticism and the motivations behind it will help you know how to handle it. For example, Kate and I sometimes get criticism from people who read the Art of Manliness. Much of the criticism consists of “You are stupid” or “This is gay” or “I’m unsubscribing!” We just ignore this drivel. It’s not worth our time or energy to get upset that some random dude from the internet thinks we suck. However, if we get an email from a long time reader who has contributed to the comments on the blog, we’ll definitely consider their criticism. If you think the source of your criticism isn’t genuinely interested helping your improve, take their criticism with a grain of salt. At the same time, be sure to honestly assess your critic’s point. Some people are too quick to write off criticism by saying, “They’re just jealous!” Maybe so, but be sure to thoughtfully evaluate the feedback before dismissing it. Shut your trap and listen. Fight the urge to argue with the person or explain your mistake, and just listen to your critic. You’d be surprised what you can learn if you simply soak it in. Don’t take it personally. Don’t take the criticism as a personal attack on you. Try to detach yourself as much as possible from your actions or work when receiving criticism so you can look at it objectively. This can be hard to do, particularly if you put a lot of time and effort into something. But trust me, if you make this a habit when receiving criticism, you’ll save yourself from a bruised ego. Stay calm (even if the other person is being a complete d-bag). The goal in criticism is to keep as much of your emotions out of it as possible. Once you allow your passions to flare up, any hope of making the criticism constructive goes flying out the window. If your critic is being a complete jerk, staying calm can be hard to do. But be the better man. Let the other person do all their ranting and raving, while you sit there looking cool as a cucumber. When they’re done, kill them with kindness. Let them know you understand their concern and thank them for taking the time for bringing it to your attention. Ask clarifying questions. Make sure you’re on the same page with your critic by asking clarifying questions. Clarifying questions are particularly important if your critic is giving vague or ambiguous criticism. For example, if your critic tells you your report isn’t clear, ask them where things start to get murky and suggestions on how it can be improved. By asking questions, you create dialogue between you and your critic, which in turns fosters co-operation and an atmosphere for mutual improvement. Take ownership of your mistake. When someone brings a legitimate mistake to your attention, don’t get on the defensive and start making excuses for it. Take responsibility for your actions. Many young men today don’t want to own up to their mistakes. They’re always putting the blame on something or someone else. These men will be stuck in eternal mediocrity because they will never accept their need for improvement. While denying your mistakes can keep the heat off for a moment, it will greatly impede your personal progress in the long run. Change your perspective on criticism. Instead of seeing criticism as humiliating or embarrassing, view it as an opportunity to improve yourself. Winston Churchill had this to say about criticism: Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things. Instead of avoiding criticism, seek for opportunities to be criticized. You’ll find that getting feedback from an outside source will stretch your talents and abilities. Thank your critic (even when they handed your butt to you). Always thank your critic. This can be difficult. No one seriously wants to say, “Thanks for showing me that I was wrong!” But swallow your pride and sincerely thank your critic. They took the time to sit down with you and point out areas where you can improve. The least you can do is say thanks. Take action and follow up. After you’ve received your criticism, take action immediately. After you’ve taken action, make sure to follow up with your critic and let them know how you’ve rectified the problem. This shows that you actually listened to the criticism and respected what the person had to say.

3 Mistakes Parents Need to Avoid

Living priorities is a daily, hourly, and moment by moment choice we all must make.

Have you ever failed as a parent?

Have you ever said or done something, either habitually, or on a one-time-only basis, that resulted in an irreversible parental mistake?

What could you have done differently to avoid that mistake?

How could you identify them before they happened?

Are you currently and habitually making mistakes right now in your parenting style and family culture?

What are the three top relationship killers, pitfalls, traps the best parents fall into, and how can we avoid them?

1. Busyness– how did life get so complicated?  Time, scheduling, stress, moods, attitude have created  a busy and crazy lifestyle for most every parent in our culture. Burned-out parents seem to be the norm.  Moods flare, words are exchanged, attitudes run rampant, and the whole thing seems way over the top on a regular basis.  Where do we find relief in peace and tranquility and surrender in such a crazy society and culture?  I believe some of the answers lie in the following:

• Learn to stop… work, projects, our minds, our thoughts, our busyness, and our lifestyle.
• Learn the transition to home… leave work at work.  Leave anything outside the home… outside the home. Come home and be here now. Be present. Be in the moment. Be available. Be you.
• Learn to say no to many other things… even the good stuff. You cannot do it all… even though you may want to.

2. Distraction–Being self-centered and self obsessed– The sick habit of over-introspection and self-indulgence in an ongoing examination of self and how everything affects me. Being self-centered and self obsessed, could include an exhausting examination of everything that affects me in my life and the second-guessing of everything happening around me. Trying to figure out all of life is a fallacy and learning to surrender and let go and move on is the only sane and safe way to live. Breaking the self habit includes:

• Letting go–surrender, relaxing, moving on, and really focusing on trusting God for all your needs
• Make it about other people– always keep in mind you’re on earth to serve others.  And don’t always make it about you.  The universe does not rotate around you.  It’s really not about you.
• Learn to communicate– learn to listen effectively. Really try to hear what people are telling you through their body language, tone and of course, their words.  Learn to express yourself in cogent and concise ways as well.
• Focus on what’s really important– family, spouse, kids, friends, brothers and sisters, parents, community and society. At the end of the day it’s all about relationships. This requires being focused on others.

3. Value Confusion–not prioritizing our relationships–are you an object person or a relationship person? Do you devote too much project time and not enough relationship time with those around you? Failing to stop and decide who you are and who you want to be results in dissonance in living your value system. We must decide individually what’s important to us and live accordingly.  It’s a mistake to not devote a great deal of our lives to relationships. After all, you can’t take anything with you when you go. You never see the U-Haul behind the hearse at the funeral.  The mistake here is letting life drive you versus you driving life in your own priorities. You are in charge of you. You are accountable for you. The blame game will not work when you’re not living out your own values and priorities.  It’s your own darn fault…some possible solutions include:

• having a written plan–goal setting, a personal life and vision statement in writing.
• Getting organized– managing your time, having a day planner, writing down and living your priorities.
• Getting rid of the extra and non-priority–just say no. You’ll never get to some stuff in life.  There is not enough time, energy or resources.
• Setting up systems for relationship development– have dates with your kids, wife, and friends. Put them in your day timer. Schedule them up as the priorities they really are.

Living our priorities is a daily, hourly, and moment by moment choice we all must make each day. How we decide the small stuff defines us. What will we do with the resources given to us?  Each of us gets just 24 hours each day, and only a certain number of days per lifetime. How well will you use your life units? That is certainly up to you.

What will it be for you?

Are you going to let stress and busyness, distraction and self-centeredness, and value confusion throw you off your plan?

Will you be proactive and take the time, and sharpen your saw, and figure out what’s key for you in life, and then go and just do it?

At the end of the day, it really may be about you, in that you must decide for you.  How you live, love and relate to those around you in your life.

We have but one life to live, and logic and love dictate we live it effectively in relationships.

How to Be a Great Parent in Tough Economic Times–5 Tools for Effective Families

We are all suffering from the realities of the Ecomomic Downturn and we as parents need to stop and figure out what is really important.

This is an Opportunity to access and really decide what is the “Main Thing”.

This can be a time where our kids get forgotten –or– actually the focus of our lives in a new and compelling way!

When is the last time you took that Bike Ride or Camping Trip– so long a focus of your kids bugging you?

Worse yet, have they given up bugging and nagging you knowing it goes nowhere?

NOW is the time to take that trip, go for that ride, or go and jump on the trampoline…

Here are some ideas to break the paradigm, the lethargy, and the rut…now and forever.

5 Tools for Effective Families: Introduction

What is it that we as parents want to leave with our kids after we’re gone?

What will be our legacy and heritage?

Like Curly in the movie “City Slickers” asks: “What is that One Thing? “-That thing that defines and motivates your life?

What will they say about you after you are gone?…and we all will be someday!

Why do we do what we do when it comes to our parenting?

Why is Intentional Parenting so important, vital and a key priority?

In the “5 Tools for Effective Families “we will explore how to nurture our kids by setting a foundation of best practices.

We will learn to incrementally introduce the habits and tools to parent intentionally.

Our goal should be to nurture our children and help them flourish: to be the best they can be.

We will explore listening, good communication, genuine encouragement, choosing to give grace, and laying a foundation of faith in God that governs all of whom we are and where we are going as a family.

It all begins with relationship building on a quality life foundation that results in emotional health and well-being of our families.

The end goal is that we may be able to leave a legacy and heritage for our children and their children as well.

5 Tools for Efffective Families: #1, Listening

Communication has two parts:

• Listening and
• Expressing yourself

Both must occur for communication to be successful.

Listening…

When you listen well to family members, you encourage them to talk about what’s most important to them. It’s easy to get careless about really listening, but listening is at least as important as talking. Everyone needs someone to listen to them, someone who supports them and allows them to openly express feelings. Sometimes a person can find a solution or discover the sources of stress just by talking. Some of us process our feelings or find ways to clarify and express our thoughts by simply talking to others. Find out which of your family members process in this way and you will have a key to unlocking their “code”.

Dads sometimes feel obligated to lecture, present solutions, and give an analysis instead of listening. This is not good listening. A good listener should not feel obligated to advise, analyze, or have all the answers. Listening and responding with concern and understanding may be all the help needed. And remember, it’s hard to listen well when strong emotions are in the way.

Effective listening encompasses the following:

1. Attentiveness. Paying attention and putting aside what you are doing shows the speaker that you intend to listen. The harder part of attentiveness is putting aside your opinions and thoughts and conclusions until you’ve really heard what the speaker is trying to say.
2. An attitude of openness and respect. You may not agree with what your family member’s saying, but being willing to hear and listen indicates respect and honor.
3. Clarifying meaning. Check out the interpretation of the message you are getting. Feedback helps to know whether you’ve understood what your family member means. Give feedback or check your interpretation of what is being said.
4. A validating response. This lets the other person know you are ready for more listening. This involves body language, posture, facial expressions, and genuinely showing readiness for more communication

Dads tend to be natural lecturers. All of us need to work to be more intentional listeners. I’ve found many times that listening sets the stage for solving problems, great relationships, and genuine peace in our family. Practice just sitting and focusing on your child without any distractions, and it will transform your life, their life, and your relationship together.

5 Tools for Effective Families: #1, Listening, Part Two

The art of listening.

One of a human’s greatest needs is psychological survival, to be understood, affirmed, validated, and appreciated.

In other words, we need to be heard. It isn’t always easy, and we live in a busy world, and many of us spend our days in a time crunch.

But the experts agree, when we take time to listen we improve relationships, promote an atmosphere of cooperation and encourage creative thinking, and even save money by avoiding costly errors caused by miscommunication.

Active listening does not come naturally. Stephen Covey notes that when someone speaks, our initial reaction is to evaluate and scrutinize them, the opposite of what we should do.

Instead, we should focus on empathetic listening with the intent to understand and we must do this with the goal of helping.

There are four phases of empathetic listening, according to Covey.

1. The first is to mimic content, repeating exactly what the speaker has said
2. The second stage is to rephrase the content to what was said in our own words
3. Third, you may reflect feelings or make a non-judgmental statement about the speaker’s emotions, empathizing with what or how he feels.
4. The fourth stage is a combination of the second and third stages, to rephrase content and reflect feelings.

Sometimes you don’t want to hear what’s being said, choosing to be annoyed instead of understanding the other person’s view. This only damages a relationship. We’d make a better choice of moving forward, forgiving the offense and the offender, and resolving the problem.

Listening must come from the hearer. If it is not sincere it will show regardless of what you say. Nonverbal gestures will expose true feelings. When this happens, make it a point to remain focused on what the speaker is saying, actively participating in and practicing the stages of empathetic listening. The art of listening lies in understanding that to be an effective father, leader, spouse, or any other role we must not only care about what others have to say, but also how they feel. Just remember your kids need your full attention, your patience, and a listening ear, so listen well when they speak. It will make you an even better father than you already are.

5 Tools for Effective Families: #2, Expressing Yourself

Expressing yourself…

You may assume other family members know your needs, feelings, and opinions without you telling them.

But relying on mind reading may result in:

• Disappointment
• Frustration
• Resentment
• Loneliness or hurt

Here are some guidelines for expressing yourself clearly.

1. Describe your feelings. Share your feelings with” I” statements. They build trust and relationships and they give you ownership of what’s being said:” I feel-______”

Say what you mean in a simple, direct way. I’ve found that honesty is always the best policy. People seem to resonate with honesty and being straight up with them. Be specific, rather than general. Resist the temptation to be a pleaser, always trying to tell people what you think they want to hear. This is a big mistake.

Here are some tips to use.

1. Describe how other people’s behavior affects you without blaming. ” You” statements can stifle communication and create an accusatory atmosphere.
2. Be aware of your nonverbal communication. Your body language gives you away every time. Be attentive to your face, tone of voice, and body language, because they communicate far more than your words.
3. Find the time. Perhaps the most important way to express yourself is to make time to communicate with your family. Making a conscious effort to carve out time to talk with each individual, and together as a family, is key to the relational health of your family. A family environment can provide a safe place for its members to share feelings, thoughts, ideas, theories, dreams, and hopes.

It is often family that is left out. During busy, hectic times, it’s especially important to plan a few minutes when everyone can be together, or when you can be alone with a family member without interruption. Be sure to save a difficult problem-solving conversation for times when you’re not totally tired or fatigued.

Many of us are verbal learners and need to process our issues and problems through talking. If you have kids or a spouse who is thusly wired, you would do well in heeding the advice above. People who learned this at a young age will be more likely to cope well with stress as adults. Being able to discuss and vent angry feelings can keep those feelings from creating more severe problems such as alcohol or drug abuse, violence, stress, depression, or other emotional problems.

Take the time and make the time to communicate today. This is an investment in your children that far outweighs money or possessions.

If not you, who?

If not now, when?

5 Tools for Effective Families: #3, Encouragement

Mastering the Art of Encouragement.

It’s amazing how everyone needs encouragement, but is so reluctant to give it.

It costs so little to give, but can yield such high dividends. We cannot afford to overlook this key life habit.

The investment of encouragement can truly build up ourselves, our kids, our spouses, and our communities.

Encouragement needs to be:

1. Intentional. Offering encouragement takes extra effort and does not happen accidentally. We must be intentional if we are to be lifelong encouragers. This will mean having eyes to spot people doing things right, especially our children. To catch them doing something right and speak a word of encouragement is a powerful tool.
2. Empathetic. Be especially attentive to the needs of your kids. What would it feel like if you were a child in the midst of embarrassment, disappointment, or discouragement? Think about how you would feel. Were you that child? Did someone encourage you? If so, great! If not, how can you make a difference by being an encouragement to both your kids and those around you in your world?
3. Specific. Don’t just say “good job”, but rather provide details and specifics; showing someone that you’re paying attention can be encouraging in and of itself. Offer suggestions and remember that constructive criticism, couched in a spirit of encouragement, can be inspiring as a complement.
4. Sincere. The word “sincere” is from the Greek meaning “without filler”. Encouragement must not be unmerited praise or flattery. Do not exaggerate a person’s competence, achievements, or potential. Being believable, authentic, transparent, and genuine will help you build trust.
5. Prompt. Respond with encouragement as soon as possible and preferably face-to-face. Making positive comments publicly compounds the positive affect of encouragement. Some people would rather see it in writing, so jot them a note or an e-mail. These can be public as well.
6. Thorough. Following up by writing a detailed letter with encouraging content can really uplift your children. E-mail is suitable for doing this as well, as kids are often more tech savvy than we. Putting words into writing not only reinforces oral comments, but also provides a tangible document. Your kids can save and refer to it at a later date for needed encouragement.
7. Creative. Use your imagination when giving feedback, encouragement, or support and recognition for your children’s achievements. Be intentionally out of the box as your imagination figures out new ways to give creative encouragement. Some people like verbal support, others prefer written, some people like small gifts, and for some just spending time with them is all the encouragement they require.

Encouragement is a powerful gift, which we need to receive and give on a daily basis. Let’s be more intentional in giving it to our kids, as it will help them with the tools they need to become better adjusted, more well rounded and high achieving adults. Be encouraged to be a life-long encourager!!

5 Tools for Effective Families: #4, Grace

Law or grace?

That is the question.

How do you deal with your children and those around you when you’re angry, frustrated, tired, and burned out?

Do you…

• YELL and raise your voice?
• Play the martyr and do the silent treatment?
• Cuss and swear and scream?
• Dole out corporal punishment in the name of training, control, and authority…

In other words, how to we use our authority?

When I talk about fathering, I think of how God the Father deals with me. And then I realize his kindness, patience, and love and see how short I fall as I deal with others.

God doesn’t always use a stick to beat us when we make mistakes, so why are we as fathers so quick to undress and apply the stick of punishment to those around us, especially our kids?

It’s okay to be angry, and its okay to not like injustice, disobedience, immaturity, and some of the zany things kids do in their selfishness.

But what gives you and me the right when we are tired and frustrated to dole out law in the spirit of anger? Our Lord never modeled that type of authoritarianism. He did everything in love, including correction, chastisement, teaching, and encouragement.

You and I as men need to relearn authority. We need to not get caught up in the disciplinarian model and playing the heavy, which is so common in our society. We need to learn the authority of Jesus, based in love, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control.

We need to relearn the father heart of God, and how that applies to our leadership and authority over those for whom we have responsibility. We must be intentional and incremental in learning this model, as it will transform our parenting, and indeed, our lives.

So, the next time you’re faced with someone’s shortcomings, or your own, for that matter, what’s going to be different?

Will it be grace or law?

5 Tools for Effective Families: #5, a Relationship with God

The fifth and most important “tool” is a genuine relationship with God, both as an individual and as a family.

Writing about our relationship with God is extremely difficult. So let’s start with what it is not.

It is not:

1. About attending church
2. About giving money
3. About being” good “
4. About being religious
5. About being condemning, condescending, or arrogant about one’s faith
6. About religious activity, service, or lifestyle

What it is about could take up several pages of a blog.

But we’ll start with the following:

1. Knowing and understanding God’s Word–the Bible–reading and meditating on it regularly
2. Understanding and having a genuine salvation/saving relationship with God by faith in Christ
3. Being a person who prays on a regular basis, who has two-way conversations with God
4. Being a person who’s quick to repent, be humble, and truly make things right, admitting it when wrong
5. Being a person who’s willing to serve others, even at their own expense
6. Living an obedient life, not out of obligation, but out of thankfulness and deep gratitude for all God has done
7. Allowing God’s full expression in me, in my thoughts, my deeds, my words, my motivation, my attitude, my resources, and so much more
8. Being a person who puts my walk with God as my number one priority in life, through prayer, Bible study, praise, worship, sharing my faith, serving my church and community and fellow humans.
9. Obeying God in the small stuff, being sensitive to details and doing the right thing even when no one is looking.
10. Relaxing, taking deep breaths, simply appreciating the life and the love God has given me, realizing I can not add to this love. I can only respond to it by living in the moment, and being the obedient son He’s asked that I be
11. Utilizing the gifts and the resources He’s given me in the way that He leads me to do so
12. Having a heart attitude and disposition that seeks to glorify God in every aspect of my life

Much of this has to do with what I call a “heart attitude”, the core belief system that governs all behaviors, words, deeds, and attitudes.

It stems from the realization of all that God has done for me, is doing, and will do in the future. It comes from a heart of deep gratitude, which seeks to please, not repay, or pay penance, to the God who loves me and has given his all for my life and eternity.

It’s just this: the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and faithfulness, and self-control… against such there is no law.” These are the heart attitudes which demonstrate Christ’s likeness. They only come with a genuine long-term walk with him.

Be careful to understand that we’re not speaking about perfection. We are all human, fallible, frail, weak, and prone to making all manner of mistakes. The giant difference is having a heart of repentance. It’s quick to humble, turn, pray, and make course corrections when we discover we have sinned against God or people. We need to be good repenters.

This doesn’t mean that everything is a bed of roses; in fact Christians suffer as much or more than others. The difference here is:” God works all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose.” This means that even the worst challenges, problems, and disasters are actually blessings in disguise as we trust God to work it all together for good. When a person can live this way, in a faith walk with God, all of life takes on a brand-new adventure and excitement, knowing that no matter what happens, I’m going to become closer and more like my Father in each and every situation.

This is the foundation for a great life, marriage and family. It makes for stability, a joy, and the love that permeates a family and a marriage with the sweetness and a sanity that is rare and precious.

To call this Walk with God a “tool” is to misrepresent and underestimate what’s being written here.

This Walk with God is the life-giving, dominant feature of the dedicated Christian family and individual. With God at the vanguard of our lives, life really becomes worth living.

5 Tools for Effective Families: Conclusion

The BIG PARENTING question remains: “What is the essence, core purpose, or bottom line of our parenting?

What do we want to leave behind and instill our children, and why?

At the end of our lives, what would we like to leave behind and pass on to our children?

What heritage, legacy, or inheritance will you leave?

What will they say about you when you are gone?…and you and I will be gone one day!

More importantly, how will they live when you are gone?

Our job as fathers and parents becomes paramount and hugely important for our kids!!

I believe some of that legacy incorporates the following…

• A foundation of faith in God
• Our/Their hopes ,dreams and visions
• Learning contentment and satisfaction
• Children learning to know who they are in God
• Our kids understanding their strengths and weaknesses
• To know they are loved
• To understand fundamental knowledge and wisdom
• To own and live out real values and ethics
• To live a life of thankfulness and appreciation
• To possess as their own a love for God, people, the earth, and all living things
• To be able to apply wisdom, knowledge, and understanding, and so much more.

Why are we leave a legacy is as important as what we leave as a legacy.

You must ask yourself why you’d like to be a parent of the highest quality.

What is in it for you, your child, the world at large, and your children’s children?

What is your answer?

I want to leave my children a large heritage: a legacy for generations to come. I have a BIG vision for this stuff.

But herein lays the challenge:

I’d like to leave an inheritance for my children and to keep it for them, but I also need to keep them for it.

This is what I mean: I want to leave my children a life inheritance, but also to prepare my children for that inheritance. Acquiring and keeping an inheritance for them is relatively easy, the true challenge is to also keep them for by instilling a sense of value, faith, and a deep seated heart of love for God and people.

I know I must love them unconditionally, be intentional by making them my priority and focus, and to accept and respect and receive my children. These are the starting points for a quality inheritance for generations to come.

If not me, who?

If not now, when?

So why not you, and why not now.

Developing Dynamite Topics

 

I. What Is A Dynamite Topic?

A. One that people remember

B. Gets you booked

C. Not the same as a hot or trendy topic

II. Hot Topics

A. These are the same as they’ve always been

Motivation

Sales

Team building

The future

B. The problem with hot topics

Too much competition

III. Trendy Topics

A. Hot for a short time

I’m an expert on sales & marketing

A lot of people speak on these topics

B. The danger with trendy topics is that they die out

IV. Why you want a dynamite topic

A. Reduces the competition

Think of how many motivational speakers there are

B. Makes it easier to sell

You don’t have t time or money to market to everyone

Narrows your audience

Think about marketing a motivational keynote

Maybe you could narrow it down to sales motivation

Next make it selling services

How about selling real estate services

C. Makes you more memorable

There are plenty of people who speak on negotiations

V. The Importance of Passion

A. The importance of passion

Why you need passion

You will spend a lot of time on t subject

Researching

Could be hours

Writing books

Could be hundreds of hours

Speaking

Could be days

B. Finding your passion

What books interest you?

Where do you automatically go in a bookstore?

What’s on your bookshelf at home?

What do you read about?

(Write them down)

What television programs do you watch?

What television programs do you watch?

(Write them down)

Is there a topic that people keep asking you for?

That’s one you should concentrate on

VI. There Are Riches In Niches

A. Why you need a niche

There’s way too much competition in hot topics

Most of us will never be famous enough to own a hot topic

It’s best if you can develop your own niche

C. What do you know that no one else knows?

The market wants experts who speak, not speaker who are experts

They want information they can use in their work or lives now

Complaint about “all fluff & no stuff”

You can become an expert at almost anything w/1 hr of study a day

B. Can you provide a unique perspective on an old topic?

7 Habits of Highly Successful People is not new

It is a unique perspective

C. What do you know that no one else knows?

Experiences

Knowledge

Combination

D. What makes you unique?

You need to know if you will be able to own the niche

Do you have credibility in a specific topic?

Degrees, designations, books, articles

Experiences

What have you learned?

E. What challenges have you overcome that others have not?

Our great speaker W. Mitchell was horribly crippled in a motorcycle accident

Then he was disfigured in a plane crash

His story of survival is awe inspiring

F. What unique perspective do you have on your subject?

Experiences, challenges

Be controversial – if you can

(Write down your experiences)

G. A niche is a group of people, not a subject

Who would pay to hear your subject?

VII. Audience Analysis

A. Ask yourself “What is the audience for this topic?”

Managers

Salespeople

Couples

B. It must be large enough to support you

Some audiences may not be big enough

If so, you are too tightly niched

Doesn’t have to be t biggest market

I make a great living speaking to home builders on how to sell to diverse cults

I even have a book just for them (show book)

C. Will they pay?

Some audiences will not pay to hear your topic

Will they pay to hear your solution to their problems?

D. What will they pay?

VIII. Developing A Niche

A. What do you know that’s unique

B. Do you have credibility?

You may have studied a very specific subject very intensely

People w/doctorate degrees are very broad

It’s harder to become an expert than simply expanding your expertise

You are already an expert in something

Finding what it is can be a challenge

C. Do you have unique perspectives

Rush Limbaugh has unique perspectives

D. What problem needs solving?

What keeps your audiences up at night?

This should be the focus of your topic

IX. Niche Your Niche

A. This is the key to memorability

B. It’s much easier to own the niche

You can become a celebrity in a small much quicker than large market

C. Makes it much easier to market

X. Other sources of ideas for topics

A. Industry magazines

The articles generally deal with the issues & problems of readers

What topics are hot?

What issues keep coming up over & over?

(Scan)

B. Get on conference mailing lists

These are seminar topics that are hot now

Can you provide a unique perspective?

C. Go to industry trade shows

Talk to people

Look at booths

D. Call trade associations & talk to them

Talk to experts

E. Be controversial if you can

People like contrarian views

XI. Hot Titles

A. Must have a hot title otherwise no one will remember it

1. Brief

3-5 words is best

2. Catchy

3. Descriptive

4.Unique

5. Memorable

6. Ask a provocative question

(Determine your highest priority & develop a good title)

7. Answer a tough question

Secrets

8. Solve a difficult problem

XII. Testing Your Topic

Once you have a topic you must carefully analyze it

After all, this is a business

C. Do audiences ask for more?

Do people ask you to expand on it

Do people ask you to present it in different industries

Do people offer to pay you for it?

XIII. Honing Your Topic

A. Present it in low-risk forums

Animal circuit if a business topic

Moose, Elks, Lions, Rotary Clubs, Chambers of Commerce

Churches & other groups if not a business topic

B. Add New Material

What questions does the audience ask?

Find the answer and add it in

Eventually I had a book

Expand what works

C. Delete the superfluous

Get rid of the fluff

Drop what doesn’t work

Change it to meet t need of your audience

Your audience will tell you what they want to hear

What questions do they ask?

Find the answers & incorporate it into your program

XIV. Own Your Niche

A. Write articles

Great free marketing tool

I have a publicist who place my articles

B. Write books

Nothing more than an expensive business card

They will usually not throw it away

C. Appear on TV & radio

If your topic is unique enough

You can become a celebrity in a niche

D. Develop products for your niche

Gen-X tapes

Manuals

Booklets

People want to take you home

XV. Determining Your Fees

A. Charge more than you think you are worth

Remember, you are unique

B. Never be fully booked

If you are your fee is too low

C. What clients should never say OK

D. Keep raising your fees

Having a unique topic will earn you top $

Courtesy Michael Lee

9 Presentation Sins

Nine presentations sins—and how to avoid them…

1. Wasting time… Start on time and finish on time.
2. Boring your audience… Given key points they can digest. Don’t read your speech. Packaged information with your voice, body language and style to make it interesting.
3. Lacking passion… Believe in your message and let your audience know. How much you believe in it. Passion is captivating, contagious and more convincing than logic.
4. Confusing your audience… Keep their message clear: eliminates. Unnecessary information and conflicting messages. Use words, they understand. Repeat your message three times.
5. Insulting your audience…Talk to them, but not down to them. .don’t make jokes about the audience. Don’t assume that you know what they think, no or have done.
6. Unclear purpose/message… Ask yourself why you’re giving the speech. Be able to state your message in one short clear phrase. Then build your presentation around that… if you can’t don’t.
7. Information overload… Give them what they need to know to do. What you want them to do. Don’t overload them with too much information.
8. Stuck in a rut of delivery…Unable to flex to the audience… be prepared to alter your presentation to reach the audience in a way that is best for them.. It is not about you, you must reach them with your message.
9. Using slides that are boring, irrelevant or confusing…. Are only visual aids that reinforce your message? Power will never rescue you from a poor presentation skills. You are your best messenger.

Presentations

Before the presentation:

1. DO: Practice. Practice. Practice. Practice always makes a perfect presentation.

2. DO: Dress to impress. This shows respect for your audience. Why not? It is always more pleasant to
watch and listen to someone who takes their speaking and presentation seriously.

3. DO: Get to know your audience before the presentation. Meet at least one or two people from the audience before the presentation. Then bring up their names during the presentation to build rapport with the audience.

4. DO: Understand who your audience is ahead of time. Are you talking to a group of bankers or government officials? Any breaking news lately about their organization? What is their pain? What are they looking for? What kind of expectations do they have for you?

5. DO: Check your equipment. Check any microphone, laptop, projectors, etc. Make sure they all work.

6. DO: Empty your pockets. No one wants to hear your keys or anything else making noise while you are presenting.

7. DO: Turn your cell phone off or put it on silent.

8. DO: Take care of your hair. Make sure no hair will drop in your face.

9. DO: Bring your business cards.

10. DON’T: Try not to eat right before a presentation. You never know about the food.

11. DON’T: Don’t be late! Arrive at least 15 – 30 minutes before you are supposed to present. Give yourself plenty of time to settle in and get your thoughts together.

When you first begin the presentation:
12. DO: Introduce yourself. Don’t assume anything. Depending on time allowed, give a 30 second to 5 minute introduction of yourself.

13. DO: Ask questions. Asking the audience questions is a great way to make sure they are awake and keeping them feeling involved from the start.

14. DO: Tell a personal story. This is simple and effective way to help your audience to get to know you. Make them your friends.

15. DO: Tell them what you are going to tell them. Give them a quick introduction on the objective of your presentation and what are they going to learn or understand by the end of your presentation.

16. DON’T: Don’t try to make jokes if you are not good at it. This can be very dangerous!

During the presentation:
17. DO: Eye contact. Your firm eye contact will convey your confidence. Act like you own the room. Do not glance around the room too fast. Spend at least three to five seconds on each person. Each person wants to feel that you are only talking to them.

18. DO: Smile. Act like you are having a great time! Better yet, have a great time!

19. DO: Speak up. If don’t have a microphone, project your voice a bit louder than you might think to make sure the back of the room can hear you. It’s good to ask the people in the back of the room to make sure they can hear you; it’s a nice courtesy and also helps them feel included.

20. DON’T: Watch your posture. Stand up straight. Don’t walk around too much or do any non-purposeful movements. Unnecessary movements can distract your audience.

21. DO: Use the right words. Try not to use too many acronyms or terms that few people may understand. Connect with your audience and explain in simple terms where possible.

22. DON’T: Be careful with your hands. Again, move your arms and hands purposefully. If you don’t need to use them, just rest them at your sides. Don’t put your hands in your pockets.

23. DO: Rhythm. Pace your speech to a steady rhythm. Not too fast or too slow. Make sure everyone can hear you clearly.

24. DO: Show your excitement about the topic. Increase your voice volume and/or slow down your speech when you are presenting important points.

25. DO: Show your emotion when needed. Slow down when you are trying to present an important point.

Ending the presentation:

26. DO: Conclude by repeating your main points you covered during the presentation.

27.DO: Conclude with a quote. Audiences always remember a good quote.

28.DO: Conclude with a story. Audiences always remember a nice story.

29.DO: Conclude with a call to action. Tell your audience what they should do next after your presentation.

30.DO: If you have a question and answer session, before you answer the question, repeat the question asked by your audience to make sure everyone can hear the question. This keeps everyone involved through the end.

31. DO: Thank the audience. Show them your appreciation. Show them you want to be there.

After the presentation:
32. DO: Continue the relationship. Follow up with your audience either through a phone call, e-mail, or regular mail.

33. DO: Plan to spend at least 30 minutes after the conclusion if time allows at the venue. This will enable you to further connect with your audience. You’ll be surprised at the number of people who will want to talk with you after you’ve delivered an effective presentation.

thanks edith yeung

Award Winning Presentations

Winning Presentation Skills ..

Put Power, Punch and Pizzazz into Your Presentations

Your ability to speak well is one of the most powerful keys to business and personal success. Research reveals that those with the highest incomes have superior presentation and persuasion skills.

In fact, speaking well and getting your point across in clear and concise manner are stronger factors in achieving high status in business than education, length of experience or career field.

Presentation skills aren’t just for top executives and CEO’s anymore. They’re necessary for any person in business who wants to get their point across confidently, clearly, and without nervousness, whether they’re presenting a new idea … selling a product … or making a presentation before a small group or board of directors.

The two most crucial areas of successful presentations are planning and delivery.

Planning includes understanding the audience, assessing their needs, establishing objectives to meet their needs, researching the topic, designing the presentation and making sure the facilities are adequate for the presentation. To develop a successful plan you need to answer the following questions.

Who are your participants?

Do they share the same background and level of experience?

Have the participants attended presentations similar to yours?

Do they have any knowledge or skills that pertain to the topic of your presentation?

How many participants will attend the presentation?

Did the participants volunteer to attend or were they required to attend?

What is the preferred learning style of the group? i.e. lectures, demonstrations

How much time will you have for the presentation?

What are the goals of the presentation?

How will I open the presentation?

How will I close the presentation?

How will I organize the body?

How will I get their attention?

How will I keep their interest?

What questions will I ask?

What questions will they ask?

What notes, visuals and materials do I need?

90% of the success of a presentation is attributed to planning. If you don’t plan all the tips and strategies you use won’t make a difference.

Delivery includes the presenter’s style and his or her ability in knowing how to use verbal and nonverbal communication, questioning and reinforcement, group interaction, and the appropriate use of humor. Some guidelines to make your presentation a winner include:

1. Be sure to tell your audience why your presentation is relevant to them

2. Keep your presentation within or under the allotted time. Never go over time.

3. Make sure you have enough breaks. Research shows that adult concentration peaks out

at 1 hour and 15 minutes.

4. Do not tell jokes unless you are a great storyteller … and then make certain that your

story will offend absolutely no one in the room!

5. Eliminate all material that is not directly relevant to the central theme of your

presentation.

6. Your visual aids should be aids and not crutches. Do not overwhelm your audience

with them.

7. Maintain eye contact with your audience throughout your presentation.

8. Listen actively to audience questions. Often the questioner is asking more than what

meets the ear.

9. Always rephrase what you think the question to be before you respond to it.

10. Show enthusiasm. People are more convinced by the enthusiasm of your message than

by the message itself.

11. Deliver presentations in your own style. To come across as genuine, sincere and

knowledgeable, you must be yourself.

12. Keep the audiences’ attention. Have a question, anecdote, story, exercise or

discussion point every 3 to 5 minutes.

13. Have an attention getting opener. You can do this by, asking a question, sharing a

personal experience or anecdote, starting with a strong statistic, commenting on a

current event, or by using a visual

14. Use your voice and body language to make your message memorable. Only 7% of the

way your message is perceived is by the words you use. The other 93% is from the

tone of your voice, the rate of your speech and your body language.

15. Relieve anxiety by, organizing and planning, practicing, focusing on the happy

faces in the audience, doing relaxation exercises, arriving early to get to know and

feel comfortable with the audience.

Whether you are speaking to one person or hundreds, the success of your presentation depends on more than what you have to say. How you say it and how you interact with your audience will also determine their response. By following the guidelines above, you’ll be well on your way to planning and delivering a winning presentation.

 Arnold Sanow – www.arnoldsanow.com

Fear of Speaking

How I Overcame the Fear of Public Speaking

By

Arnold Sanow, MBA, CSP

Rapid heart beat, sweaty palms, nausea, frequent bathroom breaks, may sound like some terrible sickness, but to many of us the diagnosis is speakers anxiety or fear of speaking in front of a group.

In fact, according to the book of lists, the #1 fear of most Americans is speaking in front of a group with the fear of death a distant #6.

For most of my life I had this terrible affliction, I was afraid to speak up for the fear of looking like a fool and being rejected by my peers. In fact, at staff meetings, I would never contradict ideas or voice my opinion and when it came to speaking to a big group I would always find an excuse to get out of it.

There were a number of steps that helped my transformation and if adhered to can help you become more confident and master this most important skill.

1. Join Toastmasters International – My involvement with Toastmasters was life-changing. Toastmasters is a non-profit organization that helps people master their communication and speaking skills. It’s easy to set up a group in your organization or join an existing one. Through a combination of exercises and positive feedback by the other participants you will see your speaking skills and confidence reach new levels. Contact their national office at 1-800-9-wespeak.

2. Get Rid of the Beliefs and Behaviors that Cause Fear. Many of our fears about public speaking come about due to unwarranted and unjustified thoughts. Here are some negative affirmations and beliefs to put out of your mind forever.

*Speaking is dangerous to my well being.

*I failed before in a speaking situation. I will probably fail again.

*A survey says that public speaking is the #1 fear, so it must be my #1 fear.

*The audience wants me to fail. The audience is my enemy.

*I don’t have the physical appearance or natural ability. My talents and looks are

limited.

*I may make a mistake. I want to be perfect.

*Jimmy Stewart, Willard Scott and Johnny Carson have feared it. Therefore, I ought

to fear it and avoid it.

As Abraham Lincoln said, “You are what you think”. Before each speaking

opportunity, think and write out positive affirmations (i.e. “I’m a great speaker”) and

you will eventually believe it and become it.

3. Practice … Practice … Practice - Learning to become a confident speaker is like learning to swim. You can watch people swim, read about it, listen to people talk about it but if you don’t get into the water you’ll never learn. Take every opportunity you can to speak!

4. Focus on a Friendly Face – Everytime you speak there is always at least one person who is smiling, looking at you or nodding in agreement. Keep your eyes on them until you feel relaxed.

5. Visualize the Audience in Their Underwear – Winston Churchill used this technique to overcome those apprehensive, grim looking people in the audience. It immediately calmed his fears by realizing that everyone is just a person like himself.

6. Plan – 90% of a good presentation revolves around good planning. If you want to decrease your anxiety — know your audience, research your topic, prepare a good outline and then follow it.

7. Visualize a Successful Presentation – Picture the opening, body and the close. Picture everyone smiling, laughing at your humor, applause at appropriate times and then coming up afterwards telling you about the great job you did.

8. Use your Own Style – Be yourself. Many fears can be attributed to a speaker trying to adapt to a style that is not their own.

9. Get to the Meeting Early – If possible, I’m always at my speaking engagements at least three hours before I’m scheduled to go on. By being early, I can check out and get comfortable with the room, practice my presentation, and get to know some of the participants.

10. Meditate – One exercise I use is a relaxation exercise which involves tensing up parts of the body and then relaxing them. For example, I will tense my hands, then relax them. Do this with your hands, feet, head and entire body until you feel totally comfortable.

 

As Walter Cronkite says, “It’s natural to have butterflies, the secret is to get them to fly in formation”. By following the formation above, your fears will be replaced with confidence.

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