If you could have 3 Parenting “do overs” what would you do differently? Part 3.

The last installment of our Informal Survey…

ok. “do-overs”:
1. Stop saying, “No” immediately unless it’s a life threatening situation. Rather, come to their eye level or lower and explain to them why what they’re doing or thinking about doing might be a really bad idea, complete with realistic consequences of their actions.

2. Be more aware of the family history on mental health. Turns out depression runs in my family. Had no idea until 2 years after I figured it out. It really does take a toll on the family, especially the kids.

3. Take all that energy from yelling (see 2 above) and whisper. It’s amazing how quickly people shut down at loud noises, but perk up at really, really soft ones.

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Not had child number 1
Not had child number 2
Not had child number 3

Bad parenting day today…..ask me tomorrow and the answer will be different. Now if you will excuse me I have to go find out why…

Child number 1 thought it was okay to go to the bathroom at school and send a questionable song to all of his 5th grade friends on the emergency cell phone that he wasn’t supposed to have brought to school.

Child number 2 thought it was funny to tell a Chuck Norris and Virgin Mary joke to his friends during study hall that was definitely not appropriate for 8th grade students.

Child number 3 thought it would be okay if mom came home and found her and her boyfriend making out on the couch with his hands down her pants - she is 16.

Do you think it is too late to get a refund on them?

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I would have protected my children LESS from the cause and effect of thier own behavior.
I would have been more strict about responsibility.
I would have been less accepting of negative behavior.

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Scott,

I just joked today that I wish I had time to write the book “The Parent REDO”! How ironic…

As the mother of 2 ( 11 and 13), high maintenance pre teens, I do not think this space will have room for all of the “do overs” I could give you. You asked for three so here goes.

I would have kept “consistent” with rules…
I would have kept “consistent” with a routine/expected schedule…
I would have kept “consistent” with our overall expectations…

“Children will follow where we lead them..if we do not lead them, they will not follow.”

Permission granted to use quote from a guilty parent of great kids that have been lead by consistent love but not by consistent leadership. I will be the 1st to buy your book as the do overs are still possible…I hope!

If you could have 3 Parenting “do overs” what would you do differently? Part 2.

Results from our Informal Survey…

A lot of Doug’s advice struck a chord for me- the 3 things I took from his memorial service were:

1.) LIVE FOR TODAY. Do not dwell on the past, learn from your mistakes, but do not let them haunt you. Do not get caught up in the future. LIVE for the PRESENT! If you make today a success the success will continue into the future.

2.) COACH/MENTOR- take an active role in your children’s interests. Doug coached his last lacrosse game for his younger son’s team just a few weeks before he past away. His boys did not win that day, but they still felt like winners. Doug taught them that what was important was that they played their best, had fun, and had love & respect for their teammates and their competitors. Doug was in the habit of asking his team- “What is my job?” They would respond- “to love us.” “What is your job?” “to love each other.” I am not sure where Doug got these mottos but the point was- teaching & mentoring kids is great for the kids- but was also incredibly rewarding for Doug.

3.) LET GO OF REGRET’S! As tragic of a loss as it was to lose Doug at such a young age- he did get an incredible gift- his diagnosis forced him to let go of regrets. Every man has things he wishes he did differently but we are forgiven for our mistakes- and we should not dwell on them.

Anyhow- sorry for the long response- but these are some of the things I learned from my buddy Doug. And even though he was a “Man’s man” he was never embarrassed to say- “I love you Man!’ and neither am I.

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Being a grandparent of two provides remarkable insight into my parenting background. Between my wife and I, we have grown daughters and all that comes with it.
1. I would be more relaxed about encouraging my offspring to explore and think for themselves.
2. I would instill less fear of uncertainty
3. That’s it because, while parenting was a “surprise” for me in my mid-thirties, I can’t imagine life without having at least one child.

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Nothing! That doesn’t mean that I was a perfect parent. I simply would go through that season with the faith that carried me through it the first time. I believe that each child has his/her own spirit, soul, mind, emotion and will. I’d to my best, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to guide that child in the direction of their bent. I have noticed little consistency between what we may consider “great” parenting and how kids turn out. Raising a child is such an act of “trusting God” and a daily dose of humility as those little innocent creations remind us that we are not God and that we need to depend on Him all the more. What a terrifying responsibility…to bring a child into the world via birth or to parent via the blessing of adoption. Yet, having said all of that…I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

If you could have 3 Parenting “do overs” what would you do differently? Part 1.

Great question: these are the Result of our Informal Survey…

1. I would prepare earlier for adolescence. It’s a huge transition, and it starting to occur earlier - emotionally, if not physically.

2. I would challenge my kids more, earlier. I would give them higher levels of responsibility and allow them fail more often.

3. I would take more mission trips and fewer traditional vacations.

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The 3 do overs I would focus on:

* Provide chores at an earlier age and stress the value of money
* Give more independence at an earlier age. (walk to store, go out with kids)
* Spend more “quality” time (take on more my speaking engagement trips, don’t overwork, etc.)

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1). I would have had all my kids go through the family meetings we did with the last four. The results on that go-around were amazing.

2). I would have done a better job of exposing all of my kids to the world - through travel and volunteerism. Time just got away. Exposure and Experience are the two greatest forces for creating Tolerance and Compassion.

3). I would have taught them better about finances and personal responsibility. They had specific chores and schedules with consequences clearly communicated, and we weren’t all that free & easy with allowances. But we didn’t enforce the savings account rules, and we helped them more than we should have with some of the things they would have appreciated more if they had participated in earning the ability to buy it themselves.

What 3 compelling things did your dad do well when raising you? Part 2.

Though I have more than three compelling things to list that my dad did well, here are three that come quickly to mind.

1) My dad taught me the value and activity of work. He didn’t just tell me that it would be good for me, he forced me to learn to work at an early age and then called attention to all the benefits and rewards that were derived from my efforts. Many of those early lessons were difficult, oftentimes not fun…but infinitely valuable to me today.

2) My dad taught me the value of quality performance. He was never one to do a job in such a way as to simply get it done. He always focused on the quality of the job performance as one of its key measurements. In fact, while I was in 3rd grade he wrote something in my elementary school “autograph book” that I still have and remember today: “Any thing worth doing is worth doing well.” It’s great advice and better still if learned and practiced from an early age.

3) My dad taught me the value of a good story. My dad was a great storyteller in the tradition of many of the southern neighbors I grew up around in western Kentucky. His stories could make you laugh, could make you cry, could make you think, could make you cringe and were always guaranteed to make you feel better–whether it was the first or the hundred and first time you had heard them. He taught me that stories were a wonderful way to bridge the gap between people.

Scott, I don’t know if these help or not, but I applaud your efforts to show others how to Become A Better Father…the world certainly needs that right now.

All the best!

Phil

SPIRITUAL SUNDAY COMPELLING CA QUOTE-09 Calvary Men’s Conference

Posted via email from Become a Better Father with Scott Hammond

Coach Bear Bryant Speaks…

6 Minutes, 50 Years

Here is legendary Coach Bear Bryant’s speech to his Alabama football team before a 1974 game:  “Most of you will live another fifty years or more. I hope it’s seventy, but if it’s fifty that’s still a good life, and what happens today you’ll have to live with the rest of the way. You can’t get it back if you don’t win. It’s sixty minutes and over. The losers are the ones who say, ‘Oh I wish I could play it again.’ You can’t play it again.

Well, you’re not really going to have to play sixty minutes. None of you. The longest play in a game is six and a half seconds. The shortest play is less than two seconds. That’s barely a wink of the eye. You’ll average five seconds a play. Five seconds of total effort, going all out, giving a hundred percent. You oughta be able to hold your hand in a fire that long…”

Great Leadership Quotes

“There have been meetings of only a moment which have left impressions for life, for eternity. No one can understand that mysterious thing we call influence…yet …everyone of us continually exerts influence, either to heal, to bless, to leave marks of beauty; or to wound, to hurt, to poison, to stain other lives.”
- J.R. Miller

“Leadership is getting people to work for you when they are not obligated.”
- Fred Smith

“We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.”
- Author Unknown

“Setting an example is not the main means of influencing another, it is the only means.”
- Albert Einstein

“The best efforts of a fine person is felt after we have left their presence.”

40 Great Principles

1. Access isn’t presence. You can still “be there” and offer value to your clients if you’re across the country.

2. Activity isn’t results. Beware of mistaking one for the other.

3. Advising isn’t listening. Especially if the person didn’t ASK you for advice.

4. Being alone isn’t loneliness. It’s just a healthy form of solitude that all humans need.

5. Art isn’t linear. So, beware of imposing too many rules.

6. Attention isn’t infinite. Make sure your message is quick, simple and digestible.

7. Biography isn’t destiny. Because you ALWAYS have a choice.

8. Change isn’t weakness. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

9. Complaining isn’t attractive. Like farting, complaining relieves you but annoys others.

10. Create without responsibility. And just make art for the sake of making art.

11. Creativity isn’t enough. Nope. You need talent, discipline and passion.

12. Difficult isn’t impossible. Keep plugging away.

13. Duplicity isn’t advantageous. Don’t allow your mind to split.

14. Education isn’t knowing. No matter how many books you read.

15. Evidence isn’t proof. It only suggests the possibility of proof.

16. Excellence isn’t optional. It’s the price of admission.

17. Facelessness isn’t accidental. People are monoliths because they choose to be.

18. Faith isn’t fact. You don’t “know,” you simply “believe.”

19. Fit isn’t thin. Magazines are liars.

20. Growth isn’t automatic. It’s a choice. It’s a daily duty.

21. Humility isn’t weakness. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

22. Information isn’t communication. Make your emails shorter.

23. Information isn’t wisdom. Because we learn not from our experiences, but from intelligent reflection upon them.

24. Knowing isn’t understanding. You have to LIVE it first.

25. Listening isn’t agreeing. It’s OK to say, “I respectfully disagree.”

26. Motion isn’t progress. Is what you’re doing RIGHT NOW consistent with your #1 goal?

27. Obvious isn’t easy. Be careful what you dismiss.

28. Passion isn’t unrealistic. It only seems that way to people who are too afraid to express their passion.

29. Pressuring isn’t listening. It’s just awkward.

30. Quitting isn’t failing. Not if you do it at the right time.

31. Reading isn’t believing. Doing, living, being – now THAT’S believing!

32. Respect isn’t weakness. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

33. Retreat isn’t defeat. Walking away is smart.

34. Satisfaction isn’t retention. The real question is, “How many of their friends did they tell about you?”

35. School isn’t education. Where’s your classroom?

36. Success isn’t bestsellers. It’s contribution, significance and validation.

37. Success isn’t perfection. How often do you screw up?

38. Sunday isn’t enough. Your spiritual practice is daily.

39. Suspending isn’t losing. Don’t be such a control freak.

40. Technique isn’t enough. Nope. Your heart and soul must be there too. Or else the audience will KNOW.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
What misconceptions might be hurting YOUR life?

Forgive!

Forgiveness In Marriage

Forgiveness is a gift not a given.  When we choose to forgive our spouse, we are giving up our “right” to hold something against them.

Asking for Forgiveness

1. Make an unconditional apology

An unconditional apology focuses on our responsibility in the matter not our spouse’s.  It should sound something like this, “I was wrong for what I did and I am so sorry.”  Period.  We don’t make excuses or point the finger at our mate.  An unconditional apology should not sound like this, “I am sorry, BUT IF YOU wouldn’t have”  That is NOT an unconditional apology.

2. Humbly ask for the gift of forgiveness

Again, since forgiveness is not a given, we must ask for it.  After our apology we need to sincerely ask our mate to forgive us.

3. Follow up with action

This is what gives substance to apologizing and asking for forgiveness.  We need to sincerely repent or turn away from our wrongs.  Whether it’s attitudes or actions, we need to show our spouse that we are changing.  And, we need to be open to their input as to what constitutes satisfactory change.  Remember, they are the one who has been hurt so they might require more from us than we think necessary.  But, we should be aware of their needs and be open to their suggestions.

4. Give your spouse time

Even if our spouse does accept our apology and grant forgiveness, we can’t expect things to be better right away.  Now sure, you might get over the small things more quickly but for bigger things, it can take our spouse time to warm up to us again.  Be patient with them.  Time will show that you are changing and are sincere about not hurting them again.

Granting Forgiveness

1. Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling

We may not feel like forgiving our mate.  We may want to harbor the anger and hurt and make them pay for what they have done.  But, once you decide you want to grant forgiveness, you can begin to work through those feelings.

2. Share your hurt

After your spouse has apologized and asked for forgiveness you need to talk about the matter before you move on.  It might be uncomfortable, but you need to share how you feel about what has happened.  Don’t point a finger at them; just share how you feel, so they understand the depth of your hurt.  Make sure you feel heard, before you move on.

3. Plan for change

Decide together what your spouse’s change of heart will look like.  Be clear about what you expect and what you need.  The goal here is not to punish with requirements, but to set up guidelines that you both agree to.  That way, there will be fewer gray areas that can lead to disappointment.

4. Stop the video

Do not replay your spouse’s infraction over and over again in your mind.  When your mind starts to wander and you begin to dwell on the incident and the hurt they caused you, tell yourself to stop.  It’s one thing to need to talk to someone like a pastor or a counselor about your pain so you can move past it, but it’s another when you keep inflicting the pain on yourself by dwelling on the hurt.  Deciding to truly forgive your spouse is re-committing to your relationship.  Don’t sabotage that recommitment by focusing on the negative.

5. Give yourself time

Just deciding to forgive will not strip away all of the pain of the incident.  You need to give yourself time.

No one can make you forgive.  It is your choice.  But, if you decide not to forgive you will suffer the consequences of bitterness and frustration that harboring resentment brings.  On the other hand, when you grant forgiveness you are taking the first step in ridding your heart of the pain you now feel.  You are saying, “Yes, you hurt me and what you did was wrong.  But, I am giving up my right to punish you.  In so doing, I am rising above the pain you have caused me.”…from allprodad.com

Why Leave a Lasting Legacy?

Legacy…on what does that word mean to you? Leaving a positive and compelling legacy or heritage is what life is really about. ..

What is the key to success?

What really matters?

What footprint are you leaving on life and others?

Do you want to impress or influence?

What is the stuff of a real legacy?

In a word—relationships.

The quality of your legacy will be measured by the quality of your relationships through life. Leaving a heritage and legacy is not rocket science. Success, real success, comes from intentionality and achievement of goals and planned outcomes around relationships with others. These key relationships define your values and determined the heritage or legacy you leave behind.

This is a form of immortality in that you leave a piece of your life behind with those whom you’ve loved and had relationship with. As you pour your heart and life and gifts and to others,you truly begin to define your life message as you invest in other people. These friends and loved ones and family members cannot help but be touched by your real-life example, model and witness.

We all leave footprints when we walk on the beach of life and the same is true for our walk through life. We are all leaving behind something. For some us it’s a mixed bag. For some of us it’s extremely negative and for others it’s a positive life legacy. These are the relationship based people who prepare for a real inheritance of true riches by transferring their passion and love over to others. This love is more often caught than taught. These are the people who model a positive life two is solid and sane walk through life that leaves each of us changed, sometimes in the most subtle way.

Transferring your passion to other people through intentional awareness and focused planning of who you are and who you want to be is a core practice of a life well lived. Much of this is on the subconscious level, and is not animated, overtly planned, or conscious. These are the people who touched our lives, and didn’t even know it. These are the ones who profoundly changed us with how they lived and conducted their lives in love, faith, hope, kindness and gentleness. They are genuine people who live transparent lives and leave real riches behind that have nothing to do with stuff. They are relationship based from beginning to end. They are relationship people, not stuff or object people. Possessions and material goods mean little or nothing to these relationship based individuals,

How do we then go through life being aware, focused and intentional in developing and fostering quality relationships, which result in a positive legacy? What are the keys, core values, outcomes and questions, which can unlock this life well lived? What are the principles? What are the rules? What of the protocols? Where do we get started? Who are the examples? How do we know when we are on track or not?

Parental legacy—

What is the bottom line of what you want to leave behind as a parent? Is it…

· Money?

· Portfolios?

· Real estate?

· Stuff?

· Values?

· Faith?

· Ethics? or something much more?

What does a genuine positive legacy look like? What are the elements, characteristics, and hallmarks of a positive legacy and heritage? What is the essence—the bottom line here?

The answer lies in nurturing relationships. Relationships are all we leave behind. To be more effective parents, who leave a positive heritage and legacy we need to be able to equip and nurture our children and it starts in the context of relationship. This is to set the foundation of best practices as a family leader or parent and involves…

1. Time to foster nurturer relationship with their kids.

2. A foundation of best practices, systems and protocols regarding family.

3. To incrementally introduce and practice the habits, attributes, and tools to parent with purpose driven intentionality.

4. To correctly grow our families to fulfill their best and highest potentials.

5. To listen and express oneself — being an active participant and honest communication

6. Being an actively engaged family member

7. To willingly and purposely pass on our love, humanity, and positive values to our loved ones

What is the essence and bottom line? These are just some aspects of the positive parent total legacy…

1. Foundation of faith

2. Contentment and satisfaction

3. Knowing who you are—strengths and weaknesses, gifts and more

4. Hopes, dreams and visions

5. Lessons learned and experiences gained

6. Knowledge and wisdom and understanding

7. Values and ethics

8. A thankful spirit

9. Love for God

10. Love for people

11. Love of nature and creation

12. Love of themselves

Is critical and crucial that we pass along a positive legacy because it pleases God, blesses the community, and identifies personal quality so lacking in our world. People of genuine quality are a rare and precious phenomenon today. By loving our children unconditionally and making them our priority of focus and care, we can add to what’s lacking in our civilization.

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