2nd Annual Fathers Day Writing Contest Winner Announced!!

THIS IS OUR 2009 WINNER—A TRIBUTE TO SINGLE PARENTS EVERYWHERE!—Good job Caitlin!

Caitlin Y

If you could have 3 Parenting “do overs” what would you do differently? Part 3.

The last installment of our Informal Survey…

ok. “do-overs”:
1. Stop saying, “No” immediately unless it’s a life threatening situation. Rather, come to their eye level or lower and explain to them why what they’re doing or thinking about doing might be a really bad idea, complete with realistic consequences of their actions.

2. Be more aware of the family history on mental health. Turns out depression runs in my family. Had no idea until 2 years after I figured it out. It really does take a toll on the family, especially the kids.

3. Take all that energy from yelling (see 2 above) and whisper. It’s amazing how quickly people shut down at loud noises, but perk up at really, really soft ones.

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Not had child number 1
Not had child number 2
Not had child number 3

Bad parenting day today…..ask me tomorrow and the answer will be different. Now if you will excuse me I have to go find out why…

Child number 1 thought it was okay to go to the bathroom at school and send a questionable song to all of his 5th grade friends on the emergency cell phone that he wasn’t supposed to have brought to school.

Child number 2 thought it was funny to tell a Chuck Norris and Virgin Mary joke to his friends during study hall that was definitely not appropriate for 8th grade students.

Child number 3 thought it would be okay if mom came home and found her and her boyfriend making out on the couch with his hands down her pants - she is 16.

Do you think it is too late to get a refund on them?

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I would have protected my children LESS from the cause and effect of thier own behavior.
I would have been more strict about responsibility.
I would have been less accepting of negative behavior.

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Scott,

I just joked today that I wish I had time to write the book “The Parent REDO”! How ironic…

As the mother of 2 ( 11 and 13), high maintenance pre teens, I do not think this space will have room for all of the “do overs” I could give you. You asked for three so here goes.

I would have kept “consistent” with rules…
I would have kept “consistent” with a routine/expected schedule…
I would have kept “consistent” with our overall expectations…

“Children will follow where we lead them..if we do not lead them, they will not follow.”

Permission granted to use quote from a guilty parent of great kids that have been lead by consistent love but not by consistent leadership. I will be the 1st to buy your book as the do overs are still possible…I hope!

If you could have 3 Parenting “do overs” what would you do differently? Part 2.

Results from our Informal Survey…

A lot of Doug’s advice struck a chord for me- the 3 things I took from his memorial service were:

1.) LIVE FOR TODAY. Do not dwell on the past, learn from your mistakes, but do not let them haunt you. Do not get caught up in the future. LIVE for the PRESENT! If you make today a success the success will continue into the future.

2.) COACH/MENTOR- take an active role in your children’s interests. Doug coached his last lacrosse game for his younger son’s team just a few weeks before he past away. His boys did not win that day, but they still felt like winners. Doug taught them that what was important was that they played their best, had fun, and had love & respect for their teammates and their competitors. Doug was in the habit of asking his team- “What is my job?” They would respond- “to love us.” “What is your job?” “to love each other.” I am not sure where Doug got these mottos but the point was- teaching & mentoring kids is great for the kids- but was also incredibly rewarding for Doug.

3.) LET GO OF REGRET’S! As tragic of a loss as it was to lose Doug at such a young age- he did get an incredible gift- his diagnosis forced him to let go of regrets. Every man has things he wishes he did differently but we are forgiven for our mistakes- and we should not dwell on them.

Anyhow- sorry for the long response- but these are some of the things I learned from my buddy Doug. And even though he was a “Man’s man” he was never embarrassed to say- “I love you Man!’ and neither am I.

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Being a grandparent of two provides remarkable insight into my parenting background. Between my wife and I, we have grown daughters and all that comes with it.
1. I would be more relaxed about encouraging my offspring to explore and think for themselves.
2. I would instill less fear of uncertainty
3. That’s it because, while parenting was a “surprise” for me in my mid-thirties, I can’t imagine life without having at least one child.

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Nothing! That doesn’t mean that I was a perfect parent. I simply would go through that season with the faith that carried me through it the first time. I believe that each child has his/her own spirit, soul, mind, emotion and will. I’d to my best, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to guide that child in the direction of their bent. I have noticed little consistency between what we may consider “great” parenting and how kids turn out. Raising a child is such an act of “trusting God” and a daily dose of humility as those little innocent creations remind us that we are not God and that we need to depend on Him all the more. What a terrifying responsibility…to bring a child into the world via birth or to parent via the blessing of adoption. Yet, having said all of that…I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

If you could have 3 Parenting “do overs” what would you do differently? Part 1.

Great question: these are the Result of our Informal Survey…

1. I would prepare earlier for adolescence. It’s a huge transition, and it starting to occur earlier - emotionally, if not physically.

2. I would challenge my kids more, earlier. I would give them higher levels of responsibility and allow them fail more often.

3. I would take more mission trips and fewer traditional vacations.

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The 3 do overs I would focus on:

* Provide chores at an earlier age and stress the value of money
* Give more independence at an earlier age. (walk to store, go out with kids)
* Spend more “quality” time (take on more my speaking engagement trips, don’t overwork, etc.)

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1). I would have had all my kids go through the family meetings we did with the last four. The results on that go-around were amazing.

2). I would have done a better job of exposing all of my kids to the world - through travel and volunteerism. Time just got away. Exposure and Experience are the two greatest forces for creating Tolerance and Compassion.

3). I would have taught them better about finances and personal responsibility. They had specific chores and schedules with consequences clearly communicated, and we weren’t all that free & easy with allowances. But we didn’t enforce the savings account rules, and we helped them more than we should have with some of the things they would have appreciated more if they had participated in earning the ability to buy it themselves.

What 3 compelling things did your dad do well when raising you? Part 2.

Though I have more than three compelling things to list that my dad did well, here are three that come quickly to mind.

1) My dad taught me the value and activity of work. He didn’t just tell me that it would be good for me, he forced me to learn to work at an early age and then called attention to all the benefits and rewards that were derived from my efforts. Many of those early lessons were difficult, oftentimes not fun…but infinitely valuable to me today.

2) My dad taught me the value of quality performance. He was never one to do a job in such a way as to simply get it done. He always focused on the quality of the job performance as one of its key measurements. In fact, while I was in 3rd grade he wrote something in my elementary school “autograph book” that I still have and remember today: “Any thing worth doing is worth doing well.” It’s great advice and better still if learned and practiced from an early age.

3) My dad taught me the value of a good story. My dad was a great storyteller in the tradition of many of the southern neighbors I grew up around in western Kentucky. His stories could make you laugh, could make you cry, could make you think, could make you cringe and were always guaranteed to make you feel better–whether it was the first or the hundred and first time you had heard them. He taught me that stories were a wonderful way to bridge the gap between people.

Scott, I don’t know if these help or not, but I applaud your efforts to show others how to Become A Better Father…the world certainly needs that right now.

All the best!

Phil

My Most Popular Post

10 THINGS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY $$

Remember, there are many things in life that are far more important than the size of your investment portfolio or the size of your latest paycheck.

Too often in our capitalistic society, we place too much emphasis on financial achievement and too little on the importance of living a purpose driven life.

1. Family… your spouse, your parents, and her kids should come first. Just simply providing for them does not make your family, your number one priority. There is far more you can do for them with quality and quantity time. Love is spelled…. TIME.
2. Friends… the older some of us get, the less time we have for our friends. Some people get too busy climbing the success ladder and may not even make time for friends. Big mistake. So many things in our society are disposable, and sadly, friends too often fall into that category. Take time to invest in your friendships, both old and new. How hard is it to schedule a Starbucks coffee, pick up the phone, or write an e-mail?
3. Your health… stress, poor diet, lack of exercise, poor relationships with you and your family… all of these can adversely affect your health. Getting caught up in your career and working endless hours can also lead to neglect of one’s health. Workaholism can be deadly. The lack of discipline in making exercise, sleep, a good diet, and a healthy lifestyle can be dangerous if not deadly as well. You get one body, take care of it and treat it with the respect it deserves.
4. Kids… investing in your kids is absolutely one of the best investments you can make. Understanding how to relate to, love, care for, and communicate with your kids is vital to becoming a more fulfilled and complete person. Our future is our children. What kind of legacy are you leaving behind? Relationships that are fully orbed or just a fat portfolio?
5. Education… being a lifelong learner is a lifelong process. It’s not about being enrolled in the school or a fancy college or receiving a piece of paper. It is, however, about being someone who is hungry to learn, willing to change, and ready to embrace new ways of looking at life and the universe. As long as you have your mental capacities, you can keep learning and building on what you already know. Your mind is a terrible thing to waste.
6. Having fun… people get so caught up in society’s money game that wealth becomes an addiction, an obsession, and the purpose for their existence. How many wealthy people aren’t healthy people who spend far too much time and energy chasing promotions, money, and possessions. We can end up with lots of toys and turn out to be pretty unhappy people… big mistake.
7. Solving social problems… how can you be a voice in society for those who do not have the ability to speak for themselves? Whether it’s poverty, divorce, suicide, teenage pregnancy, name your issue… you can have a voice and be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. Your community is full of opportunities for you to volunteer, donate time or money, and get involved.
8. Your neighbors… give the neighbors a chance. Don’t write them off because they aren’t the same age, race, or occupation as you. What’s the sense of neglecting neighbors, since they can be sources of friendship, if given a chance? Part of our connection to the greater society is defined by our neighborhoods, which are full of neighbors— who could be friends we haven’t met yet.
9. Appreciating/valuing what you have… right now make a list of 10 things that you really appreciate. What is on your list? Despite our overall affluence, we still lament material things we lack rather than appreciating and valuing the material and nonmaterial things we do have. Don’t forget relationships.
10. Your reputation… a good name is to be had above riches. It takes a lifetime to build a reputation, but only moments to lose it. We chase after many things in life, and we often de-value and under-invest in relationships which should have our focus and priority. How many men have thrown it all away in a quick but twisted attempt at some forbidden fruit?

Forgive!

Forgiveness In Marriage

Forgiveness is a gift not a given.  When we choose to forgive our spouse, we are giving up our “right” to hold something against them.

Asking for Forgiveness

1. Make an unconditional apology

An unconditional apology focuses on our responsibility in the matter not our spouse’s.  It should sound something like this, “I was wrong for what I did and I am so sorry.”  Period.  We don’t make excuses or point the finger at our mate.  An unconditional apology should not sound like this, “I am sorry, BUT IF YOU wouldn’t have”  That is NOT an unconditional apology.

2. Humbly ask for the gift of forgiveness

Again, since forgiveness is not a given, we must ask for it.  After our apology we need to sincerely ask our mate to forgive us.

3. Follow up with action

This is what gives substance to apologizing and asking for forgiveness.  We need to sincerely repent or turn away from our wrongs.  Whether it’s attitudes or actions, we need to show our spouse that we are changing.  And, we need to be open to their input as to what constitutes satisfactory change.  Remember, they are the one who has been hurt so they might require more from us than we think necessary.  But, we should be aware of their needs and be open to their suggestions.

4. Give your spouse time

Even if our spouse does accept our apology and grant forgiveness, we can’t expect things to be better right away.  Now sure, you might get over the small things more quickly but for bigger things, it can take our spouse time to warm up to us again.  Be patient with them.  Time will show that you are changing and are sincere about not hurting them again.

Granting Forgiveness

1. Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling

We may not feel like forgiving our mate.  We may want to harbor the anger and hurt and make them pay for what they have done.  But, once you decide you want to grant forgiveness, you can begin to work through those feelings.

2. Share your hurt

After your spouse has apologized and asked for forgiveness you need to talk about the matter before you move on.  It might be uncomfortable, but you need to share how you feel about what has happened.  Don’t point a finger at them; just share how you feel, so they understand the depth of your hurt.  Make sure you feel heard, before you move on.

3. Plan for change

Decide together what your spouse’s change of heart will look like.  Be clear about what you expect and what you need.  The goal here is not to punish with requirements, but to set up guidelines that you both agree to.  That way, there will be fewer gray areas that can lead to disappointment.

4. Stop the video

Do not replay your spouse’s infraction over and over again in your mind.  When your mind starts to wander and you begin to dwell on the incident and the hurt they caused you, tell yourself to stop.  It’s one thing to need to talk to someone like a pastor or a counselor about your pain so you can move past it, but it’s another when you keep inflicting the pain on yourself by dwelling on the hurt.  Deciding to truly forgive your spouse is re-committing to your relationship.  Don’t sabotage that recommitment by focusing on the negative.

5. Give yourself time

Just deciding to forgive will not strip away all of the pain of the incident.  You need to give yourself time.

No one can make you forgive.  It is your choice.  But, if you decide not to forgive you will suffer the consequences of bitterness and frustration that harboring resentment brings.  On the other hand, when you grant forgiveness you are taking the first step in ridding your heart of the pain you now feel.  You are saying, “Yes, you hurt me and what you did was wrong.  But, I am giving up my right to punish you.  In so doing, I am rising above the pain you have caused me.”…from allprodad.com

Why Leave a Lasting Legacy?

Legacy…on what does that word mean to you? Leaving a positive and compelling legacy or heritage is what life is really about. ..

What is the key to success?

What really matters?

What footprint are you leaving on life and others?

Do you want to impress or influence?

What is the stuff of a real legacy?

In a word—relationships.

The quality of your legacy will be measured by the quality of your relationships through life. Leaving a heritage and legacy is not rocket science. Success, real success, comes from intentionality and achievement of goals and planned outcomes around relationships with others. These key relationships define your values and determined the heritage or legacy you leave behind.

This is a form of immortality in that you leave a piece of your life behind with those whom you’ve loved and had relationship with. As you pour your heart and life and gifts and to others,you truly begin to define your life message as you invest in other people. These friends and loved ones and family members cannot help but be touched by your real-life example, model and witness.

We all leave footprints when we walk on the beach of life and the same is true for our walk through life. We are all leaving behind something. For some us it’s a mixed bag. For some of us it’s extremely negative and for others it’s a positive life legacy. These are the relationship based people who prepare for a real inheritance of true riches by transferring their passion and love over to others. This love is more often caught than taught. These are the people who model a positive life two is solid and sane walk through life that leaves each of us changed, sometimes in the most subtle way.

Transferring your passion to other people through intentional awareness and focused planning of who you are and who you want to be is a core practice of a life well lived. Much of this is on the subconscious level, and is not animated, overtly planned, or conscious. These are the people who touched our lives, and didn’t even know it. These are the ones who profoundly changed us with how they lived and conducted their lives in love, faith, hope, kindness and gentleness. They are genuine people who live transparent lives and leave real riches behind that have nothing to do with stuff. They are relationship based from beginning to end. They are relationship people, not stuff or object people. Possessions and material goods mean little or nothing to these relationship based individuals,

How do we then go through life being aware, focused and intentional in developing and fostering quality relationships, which result in a positive legacy? What are the keys, core values, outcomes and questions, which can unlock this life well lived? What are the principles? What are the rules? What of the protocols? Where do we get started? Who are the examples? How do we know when we are on track or not?

Parental legacy—

What is the bottom line of what you want to leave behind as a parent? Is it…

· Money?

· Portfolios?

· Real estate?

· Stuff?

· Values?

· Faith?

· Ethics? or something much more?

What does a genuine positive legacy look like? What are the elements, characteristics, and hallmarks of a positive legacy and heritage? What is the essence—the bottom line here?

The answer lies in nurturing relationships. Relationships are all we leave behind. To be more effective parents, who leave a positive heritage and legacy we need to be able to equip and nurture our children and it starts in the context of relationship. This is to set the foundation of best practices as a family leader or parent and involves…

1. Time to foster nurturer relationship with their kids.

2. A foundation of best practices, systems and protocols regarding family.

3. To incrementally introduce and practice the habits, attributes, and tools to parent with purpose driven intentionality.

4. To correctly grow our families to fulfill their best and highest potentials.

5. To listen and express oneself — being an active participant and honest communication

6. Being an actively engaged family member

7. To willingly and purposely pass on our love, humanity, and positive values to our loved ones

What is the essence and bottom line? These are just some aspects of the positive parent total legacy…

1. Foundation of faith

2. Contentment and satisfaction

3. Knowing who you are—strengths and weaknesses, gifts and more

4. Hopes, dreams and visions

5. Lessons learned and experiences gained

6. Knowledge and wisdom and understanding

7. Values and ethics

8. A thankful spirit

9. Love for God

10. Love for people

11. Love of nature and creation

12. Love of themselves

Is critical and crucial that we pass along a positive legacy because it pleases God, blesses the community, and identifies personal quality so lacking in our world. People of genuine quality are a rare and precious phenomenon today. By loving our children unconditionally and making them our priority of focus and care, we can add to what’s lacking in our civilization.

3 New Year Resolutions–Less is the New More

Less is more…

1. Spend more time with God…Pursue making time to simply be with Him in prayer, meditation, and quietly waiting on Him.
2. Loving my Wife Consistently…Making the time to grow in our relationship in dates, time, and having opportunities to grow in our relationship with God and each other. Loving my kids; Intentionally making them part of my day: everyday via play, talking and listening, and incorporating them into my life/schedule.
3. Self Discipline…Just executing reasonable discipline and time management in finances, cell time, web time, sleep,  healthy eating, exercising, driving safely, and eliminating absorption with over-achievement, fear, worry, and angst. Actually doing less ; which is the new More…

Compelling Holiday Tradition

We have a very cool Christmas tradition in Humboldt County, California.

For the last 20 years we’ve taken our family as a holiday ritual to the Ben Hurd Christmas tree farm.

There we have established a Christmas tradition and legacy that is both compelling and meaningful.

We have enjoyed over 20 years of Christmas and holiday warmth, relationship, and the love of family and community by the simple act of securing a lot of Christmas tree.   Here’s how…

1. Family tradition– it’s really cool to look forward to a single event that defines and refines our family holidays traditions. Simple act of going to get a Christmas tree is a legacy and tradition in and of itself.  It really makes a difference, because the experience and people are so wonderful, warm, and festive.
2. The people–Ben Hurd and his family really make the experience compelling.  They are kind and gentle folk, who really are hospitable and know how to make folks feel at home.
3. The farm– the actual setting of the tree farm is really beautiful.  Being surrounded by holiday cheer and hundreds of Christmas trees really brings home the fact that it’s Christmas time.
4. The drill– from the obtaining of the saw,the selection of the tree, to the actual cutting of the selected tree… the fun and joy is self-evident.
5. The afterglow– one of the things that they do at the tree farm is to provide a hot pot belly stove, fresh homemade wassail, and fresh homemade cookies.  This ritual after a tree cutting ceremony is the perfect afterglow for such a wonderful holiday experience.
6. The cost– the price is nominal for such a priceless experience.  It is certainly the bargain of the year.
7. The legacy– this experience is the stuff of legacy and holiday tradition for families.  It’s easy to plug into — all we have to do is get in the van and go!  Show up, create a legacy… it’s literally that easy.

The relationships, experience, shared tradition, memories, food, time together, and, oh yeah, the tree– all add up for a wonderful holiday tradition that can only be found, if sought after. Get in the van and forget about the tree lot.  Blot it out of your mind– it is a thing of your past.  Make the tree farm your new family holiday tradition, and you’ll be amazed at how quickly and subtly you’ve created a very cool holiday tradition for yourself and your family.

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