Secret#3. Time = Love.

Some fathers spend more time with their kids in one day, and some debts due in one week, or even one month!!

Why?…The difference?

Intentionality.

Time spent with your child shows your love by action.
We need both quality and quantity time with our kids.
We need to include them in our world, and include ourselves in their world.

Here’s some examples of what I do with my kids.

These are areas where we’ve found common ground to play together…

1. hot tubbing
2. trampoline
3. on the swing
4. basketball
5. playing Legos
6. playing boardgames
7. doing crafts…

You get the picture… find common ground and leverage the time with your kids.
You must be intentional and methodical and sequential if you are to be successful in this endeavor of spending quality time with your kids…

This means…

1. date your kids…Go to Starbucks, bagels, McDonald’s, ice cream or whatever
2. put them in your day timer or in Outlook
3. schedule them, as you would your most precious appointment… because that’s what these are.

have daily and weekly schedule routines together, including…

• Meal times… the best place to teach your kids your values, heritage, and spiritual foundation.
• Bedtimes… a key point in showing love, closing the day correctly, and praying together
• Weekly rituals… Friday night pizza, movie night, the family night etc….
• Running errands… always bring a kid with you on car rides… again leverage the time.
• Chores and projects… build relationships and teach a good work ethic… All in one package!

Let’s address the “I don’t have time” excuse.
Everyone has time, no exceptions.
We give time to what we value the most.
Create time today that you would normally spent on TV, the Internet, sports, hobbies, boating, hunting golfing, or just being lazy….. begin to incrementally give it to your children!

Just hang out with your family and kids because you want to and get to.

Not because you HAVE TO…
Make a solid choice of attitude and motivation.
We GET to hang out with our kids.. we are blessed and privileged!
How could you be more intentional and incremental in dating your kids?

Dream it, plan it, write it, and do it!

Follow through…

If not you, who?
If not now, when?

Secret#2. Unconditional Love:Respect

Respect is defined as… to care, esteem, regard, venerate,revere, honor or reverence.
It is at the core of how all individuals would like to be treated and spoken to.
As fathers when you to show it, in our conversation, tone, actions and kindness to her children.

We need not talk down to them as a smaller person, who is weaker, vulnerable, or less valuable.
Our children need to know they are accepted and acceptable.
They must know they are respected and honored by how they are treated in our…

• actions

• attitudes

• words

• and our non-verbals…

Here’s the test… would you speak to or treat another peer or adult in the same manner you do your kids?
Do you..?

1. talk down to them?
2. berate them
3. raise your voice or yell at them
4. display poor attitude in your tone or non-verbals?
5. show inappropriate anger and frustration and annoyance with your kids?

So if you would not treat another adult like manner, why would you address your kids whom you love as much or more with such disrespect and dishonor?
It seems to me that many parents think it’s okay to not treat your kids with love and respect and address them in inappropriate and dishonoring fashion as individuals.
That’s not to say that when correcting or having courageous conversations with our kids. We can’t show frustration, appropriate anger or annoyance at their immaturity or misbehavior.

Does your child really fill accepted and acceptable?
Respected and honored?
How would your kids respond differently to you, if you consistently address them with appropriate respect and honor?
Begin to show in your your conversation, kindness, actions and tone as well as your non-verbals and you will see a transformation, both in yourself and your children!

Secret #2, Unconditional Love/Appropriate Touch

Touch is the most obvious way to show affection.
It is defined by any type of appropriate, natural, physical contact.
It’s not just hugs and kisses.

Appropriate touch should be:

• comfortable
• natural
• not showy or overdone
• consistent

It goes with eye contact and can be many things including:

• a pat
• a poke
• tousle of the hair
• rub on the shoulder
• or light touch on the arm back neck or shoulder… again all in an appropriate manner.

Kids who experience consistent, appropriate touch have …

1. good self-esteem
2. are well-liked by others
3. have an easy time communicating

Young boys especially need it, as do girls growing up into their teens.
The father-daughter connection is vital, because if we fathers are not touching our daughters properly,  there are plenty of volunteers to touch them inappropriately…

We dads need to be huggers and to get physical with our kids.
If you are a nonphysical non-hugger, get over it quickly.
This is a lame excuse that will impact your kids forever.
Learn to be appropriately physical and learn the ability to show attention
through physical touch. If you don’t pay attention to them, someone else will…

It’s vital that we are intentional about showing our unconditional love through focused attention, positive eye contact, and appropriate touch. These three things can revolutionize and transform our relationships.  Not only with our children, but with all those in our lives.

Secret #2. Unconditional Love/Eye Contact

Eye contact means this…
"looking directly into the eyes of another person"
It’s hard to have a conversation with someone who cannot hold eye contact.
It is the main source of emotional nurturing and is a continuous life-giving habit to our kids, if we will use it.

Eye contact is a close cousin to appropriate touch.  The two used together are a powerful means to connect with your children.

The results and benefits are…

• confidence
• we tend to like people who look at us while we communicate
• eye contact adds meaning to conversation, as the eyes are the "windows to the soul"

One warning…

Never use eye contact or the lack thereof exclusively to make strong points, or when angry, irritated annoyed, or frustrated… all part of being a parent.
The point is this…. exclusive use of eye contact in anger is destructive, as is withholding eye contact.
Withholding eye contact is cruel and more damaging than corporal punishment and if you play that game, you and your children will lose.

If you as a grown man withhold eye contact as a form of punishment to anyone in your life, you’ve got real issues and need to grow up and not be so self centered.

We do need to learn to confront in love, while maintaining positive eye contact.  When we need to have courageous conversations with our kids, we need to use eye contact as a life-giving source of affirmation, not as a means to tear down, belittle, or demean. We can and should use positive, affirming eye contact with all those around us on a regular, intentional, and habitual basis.

Secret #2. Unconditional Love-Focused Attention

Definition: focused attention is giving a person your full, undivided attention.
It is the most demanding of the three needs as it takes time, energy, and giving up other activities in order for us to give our focused attention to the people we love.

The average father spends less than two minutes a day in contact with his kids.
This should not be.
We need to be able to give up the tyranny of the urgent and live in Stephen Covey’s “quadrant number four”, in which we do things that are the most productive.
This should include giving our children our focused attention as fathers…

Benefit: your child feels completely loved and valued.
They feel they’re the most important person in the world.
Kids do their best with focused attention as part of their lives.
It shows in their behavior, performance, attitude, and motivation.

Focused attention must be a daily occurrence, and we as dad’s need to make time to make that happen daily. This requires being intentional.
Focus attention becomes paramount in priority…
It comes before everything else… including….

• training
• guiding
• teaching
• example

It is the key to unlocking the door to being a great dad.
It should always be natural, comfortable, appropriate, and unhurried.
It will result in a child who…

1. is comfortable with themselves and others
2. is well-liked
3. has a full emotional tank
4. has good self-esteem
5. it’s easy to communicate with

Are you giving your child emotional support through focused attention today?
If not, why not?
If not now, when?

Secret #2. Unconditional Love/Introduction

Unconditional love…introduction

Action point: show your love by focused attention, eye contact, and appropriate touch.

Unconditional love is really letting your kids know they’re loved.

It’s saying, meaning, and living “I am truly on your side no matter what”…I am for you…. I am unconditionally on your side, always”.

Three action points to express unconditional love are…

• focused attention
• eye contact
• touch

These are the languages of love when it comes to raising well-adjusted, healthy kids.
We fathers need to make these a daily occurrence. Did you know that the average point of contact between fathers and children is under two minutes daily? This shouldn’t be!

We need to leverage these languages of love…and begin to not only speak them but to be fluent in all three… which language does your child respond to best?
Do you know? If not, why not? Are you speaking that language to your children today? If not now, when?

The Don’t List….

The following are all the the don’ts of speaking…… don’t do these…..

• Rapid talking….. and audience tires of the strain. Time is of the essence. Allow your audience to think on your statements and let the words sink in Very your room speaking rate. Pause here and there… it allows the audience time to catch up in you to do the same.

• Poor Annunciation…. don’t mumble. or swallow your words This can be caused by rapid talking, or perhaps you’re not opening your mouth when you talk… articulate. Your words.

• Lack of transitions…. remember a short phrase or statement that connects to different ideas is vital to your speaking sequence. The linear. These sequential incremental and methodical. In music, this is known as modulation….. moving from one key or tune to another with ease and harmony.

• Weak ending… go out with a bang. And you’re speechless something meaningful or big or profound. Never thank an audience at the end of a presentation. they should be the ones who think you.

Scott Hammond’s Testimonial

You don’t want just a speaker…. you need a catalyst for change.

You need someone who will…

• be compelling
• get and keep attention
• inspire to long-term action and change
• unlock people’s potential, gifts, vision, and personal/professional achievement
• help your team reconnect with mission purpose and passion
• be personal and informal …yet professional
• get to core issues/challenges quickly
• be inspirational, motivational, and little controversial
• share useful and transferable tools, tips, and techniques that really work
• share "sticky" and memorable concepts that people will remember and use

Then I would recommend talking with Scott Hammond today.

Good Dad, Bad Dad…. the Questions…

Here’s the key questions to ask yourself as a father…..

1. Who are you?
2. what do you want?
3. Why are you here?
4. What isn’t working, that you would like to see start working?
5. What would you like to see work that is working now?

The 7 Secrets will help you to discover some of your answers.
We will uncover some ideas,,, tools and tips and techniques to help you become more…

• Intentional
• sequential
• methodical
• effective….

You can become an awesome father, but you have  to decide the answers to the above questions and then be resolute in taking action in moving forward toward making incremental progress as a father.
You can do it… but you got to dream it, plan it, and then do it.

If not now, when?

Good Dad, Bad Dad… Introduction, Part 3

Men are great planners….we can build…

• civilizations
• countries
• societies
• communities
• cities
• towns
• neighborhoods
• live communally…

But when it comes to building relationships and running a family….
men often fail miserably…

So how do you guys have quality family relationships?
How do you spend quality, as well as quantity, time with those we love?
And how do we forge meaningful ties with our children…. when our families often get our leftovers….

• emotionally
• mentally
• spiritually
• physically…

How do we do this, when we often return home from the workplace, the life outside the family, truly drained and unable or unwilling to continue to give and pour out of our already sapped resources?

This is the two-dollar question, and the dilemma which will address as we discover the seven secrets of effective fathers….

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