Forgiveness In Marriage
Forgiveness is a gift not a given. When we choose to forgive our spouse, we are giving up our “right” to hold something against them.
Asking for Forgiveness
1. Make an unconditional apology
An unconditional apology focuses on our responsibility in the matter not our spouse’s. It should sound something like this, “I was wrong for what I did and I am so sorry.” Period. We don’t make excuses or point the finger at our mate. An unconditional apology should not sound like this, “I am sorry, BUT IF YOU wouldn’t have” That is NOT an unconditional apology.
2. Humbly ask for the gift of forgiveness
Again, since forgiveness is not a given, we must ask for it. After our apology we need to sincerely ask our mate to forgive us.
3. Follow up with action
This is what gives substance to apologizing and asking for forgiveness. We need to sincerely repent or turn away from our wrongs. Whether it’s attitudes or actions, we need to show our spouse that we are changing. And, we need to be open to their input as to what constitutes satisfactory change. Remember, they are the one who has been hurt so they might require more from us than we think necessary. But, we should be aware of their needs and be open to their suggestions.
4. Give your spouse time
Even if our spouse does accept our apology and grant forgiveness, we can’t expect things to be better right away. Now sure, you might get over the small things more quickly but for bigger things, it can take our spouse time to warm up to us again. Be patient with them. Time will show that you are changing and are sincere about not hurting them again.
1. Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling
We may not feel like forgiving our mate. We may want to harbor the anger and hurt and make them pay for what they have done. But, once you decide you want to grant forgiveness, you can begin to work through those feelings.
2. Share your hurt
After your spouse has apologized and asked for forgiveness you need to talk about the matter before you move on. It might be uncomfortable, but you need to share how you feel about what has happened. Don’t point a finger at them; just share how you feel, so they understand the depth of your hurt. Make sure you feel heard, before you move on.
3. Plan for change
Decide together what your spouse’s change of heart will look like. Be clear about what you expect and what you need. The goal here is not to punish with requirements, but to set up guidelines that you both agree to. That way, there will be fewer gray areas that can lead to disappointment.
4. Stop the video
Do not replay your spouse’s infraction over and over again in your mind. When your mind starts to wander and you begin to dwell on the incident and the hurt they caused you, tell yourself to stop. It’s one thing to need to talk to someone like a pastor or a counselor about your pain so you can move past it, but it’s another when you keep inflicting the pain on yourself by dwelling on the hurt. Deciding to truly forgive your spouse is re-committing to your relationship. Don’t sabotage that recommitment by focusing on the negative.
5. Give yourself time
Just deciding to forgive will not strip away all of the pain of the incident. You need to give yourself time.
No one can make you forgive. It is your choice. But, if you decide not to forgive you will suffer the consequences of bitterness and frustration that harboring resentment brings. On the other hand, when you grant forgiveness you are taking the first step in ridding your heart of the pain you now feel. You are saying, “Yes, you hurt me and what you did was wrong. But, I am giving up my right to punish you. In so doing, I am rising above the pain you have caused me.”…from allprodad.com
Legacy…on what does that word mean to you? Leaving a positive and compelling legacy or heritage is what life is really about. ..
What is the key to success?
What really matters?
What footprint are you leaving on life and others?
Do you want to impress or influence?
What is the stuff of a real legacy?
In a word—relationships.
The quality of your legacy will be measured by the quality of your relationships through life. Leaving a heritage and legacy is not rocket science. Success, real success, comes from intentionality and achievement of goals and planned outcomes around relationships with others. These key relationships define your values and determined the heritage or legacy you leave behind.
This is a form of immortality in that you leave a piece of your life behind with those whom you’ve loved and had relationship with. As you pour your heart and life and gifts and to others,you truly begin to define your life message as you invest in other people. These friends and loved ones and family members cannot help but be touched by your real-life example, model and witness.
We all leave footprints when we walk on the beach of life and the same is true for our walk through life. We are all leaving behind something. For some us it’s a mixed bag. For some of us it’s extremely negative and for others it’s a positive life legacy. These are the relationship based people who prepare for a real inheritance of true riches by transferring their passion and love over to others. This love is more often caught than taught. These are the people who model a positive life two is solid and sane walk through life that leaves each of us changed, sometimes in the most subtle way.
Transferring your passion to other people through intentional awareness and focused planning of who you are and who you want to be is a core practice of a life well lived. Much of this is on the subconscious level, and is not animated, overtly planned, or conscious. These are the people who touched our lives, and didn’t even know it. These are the ones who profoundly changed us with how they lived and conducted their lives in love, faith, hope, kindness and gentleness. They are genuine people who live transparent lives and leave real riches behind that have nothing to do with stuff. They are relationship based from beginning to end. They are relationship people, not stuff or object people. Possessions and material goods mean little or nothing to these relationship based individuals,
How do we then go through life being aware, focused and intentional in developing and fostering quality relationships, which result in a positive legacy? What are the keys, core values, outcomes and questions, which can unlock this life well lived? What are the principles? What are the rules? What of the protocols? Where do we get started? Who are the examples? How do we know when we are on track or not?
What is the bottom line of what you want to leave behind as a parent? Is it…
· Real estate?
· Ethics? or something much more?
What does a genuine positive legacy look like? What are the elements, characteristics, and hallmarks of a positive legacy and heritage? What is the essence—the bottom line here?
The answer lies in nurturing relationships. Relationships are all we leave behind. To be more effective parents, who leave a positive heritage and legacy we need to be able to equip and nurture our children and it starts in the context of relationship. This is to set the foundation of best practices as a family leader or parent and involves…
1. Time to foster nurturer relationship with their kids.
2. A foundation of best practices, systems and protocols regarding family.
3. To incrementally introduce and practice the habits, attributes, and tools to parent with purpose driven intentionality.
4. To correctly grow our families to fulfill their best and highest potentials.
5. To listen and express oneself — being an active participant and honest communication
6. Being an actively engaged family member
7. To willingly and purposely pass on our love, humanity, and positive values to our loved ones
What is the essence and bottom line? These are just some aspects of the positive parent total legacy…
1. Foundation of faith
2. Contentment and satisfaction
3. Knowing who you are—strengths and weaknesses, gifts and more
4. Hopes, dreams and visions
5. Lessons learned and experiences gained
6. Knowledge and wisdom and understanding
7. Values and ethics
8. A thankful spirit
9. Love for God
10. Love for people
11. Love of nature and creation
12. Love of themselves
Is critical and crucial that we pass along a positive legacy because it pleases God, blesses the community, and identifies personal quality so lacking in our world. People of genuine quality are a rare and precious phenomenon today. By loving our children unconditionally and making them our priority of focus and care, we can add to what’s lacking in our civilization.
Less is more…
- Spend more time with God…Pursue making time to simply be with Him in prayer, meditation, and quietly waiting on Him.
- Loving my Wife Consistently…Making the time to grow in our relationship in dates, time, and having opportunities to grow in our relationship with God and each other. Loving my kids; Intentionally making them part of my day: everyday via play, talking and listening, and incorporating them into my life/schedule.
- Self Discipline…Just executing reasonable discipline and time management in finances, cell time, web time, sleep, healthy eating, exercising, driving safely, and eliminating absorption with over-achievement, fear, worry, and angst. Actually doing less ; which is the new More…