THE 7 SECRETS OF EFFECTIVE FATHERS (Happy Fathers Day!)

Good Dad/ Bad Dad -The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathering

Can you name the three great examples of fathers in current culture?

You can’t say Bill Cosby or the guy on “Father Knows Best”!
Go ahead; we’re waiting….
Can’t seem to find just three?
How come?
Where have all the good dads gone?

Good fathers are an endangered species!

What is it with us guys?
Where did all the Great Dads go?
What’s up with the dads?

Dads are in trouble.
Everything assaults us-
Society, work, appetites, pressures, time management, and busyness.

We have no training, no schools, no workshops, few seminars, and no classes on how to be effective fathers. Moreover, as you’ve learned from the exercise above, we have very few examples from which to learn.

 

Men are great project managers in the workplace and at home, but most of us fail miserably when it comes to relationship building. Men tend to be great planners, movers, shakers, project managers, or people managers, but we are often poor at building in-depth relationships with those we love.

Men can be great builders; we have built amazing:

·       Civilizations

·       Countries

·       Societies

·       Communities

·       Cities

·       Towns

·       Neighborhoods

But when it comes to building relationships and running a family, men often fail miserably.

We can run a business and government, and even a society, but we are often poor at running a family.
Our family—wife, children, pets—often get the leftovers of our mind, body, emotions, and spirit at the end of the day.

 Why is that? Let me explain…

Here are a few of the reasons, the issues, problems, and challenges that men face and that undermine their desire to create and build relationships of quality with their families:

ü  No goals, objectives, or written plan to make family a priority

ü  Poor time management skills, being too busy, not making time for priorities

ü  Workaholism

ü  Perfectionism

ü  Poor skill sets with fathering

ü  Poor fathering examples

ü  Buying, owning, and maintaining too many possessions and “stuff”

And 1000 other distractions, including low priority activities such as:

·       Computer

·       TV

·       Gaming

·       Hobbies

·       Sports

·       Illicit activities

When “real men” get stuck, we never ask for directions!
How can we possibly admit weakness, vulnerability, or something as simple as being lost?

This all makes for a very sad situation.
Men are not picking and living their priorities.

So how do we guys have quality family relationships?
How do we spend quality, as well as quantity, time with those we love?
And how do we forge meaningful ties with our children- emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically- when our families often get our leftovers?

How do we do this, when we often return home from the workplace and the life outside the family truly drained and unable or unwilling to continue to give and pour out of our already-sapped resources? Many dads are truly lost, not even seeking a way back to being on track.

What is your Plan for being a Good Dad?

 

This is the two-dollar question, the dilemma, which we will address as we discover the

Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers.

 

Consider the Key Questions

Here are the key questions to ask yourself as a father as you develop your personal Fathering Plan:

1.    Who are you?

2.    What do you want?

3.    Why are you here?

4.    What isn’t working that you would like to see start working?

5.    What would you like to see stop happening?

The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers will help you to discover some of your answers.
We will uncover some ideas, tools, tips, and techniques to help you become more:

·       Intentional

·       Sequential

·       Methodical

·       Effective

You can become an awesome father, but you have to answer the above questions and then be resolute in taking action to move forward toward incremental progress as a father.
You can do it, but you’ve got to first dream it, plan it, and then do it.

If not you, who?

If not now, when?

 

Secret #1- Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is love that is absolute, unreserved, and complete.

 It’s love that is limitless, without strings, and not dependent upon the response of the recipient.

Unconditional love is really about your kids knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that they’re loved and accepted.

It’s saying, meaning, and living “I am truly on your side no matter what. I am for you. I am unconditionally on your side, always”.

Three action points to express unconditional love are:

 

·       Appropriate Touch

·       Positive eye contact

·       Focused attention

 

 

Let’s look at these love actions in more detail…

Appropriate touch is the most obvious way to show affection.
It is defined by any type of appropriate, natural, physical contact, not just hugs and kisses.

Appropriate touch should be:

·       Comfortable

·       Natural

·       Not showy or overdone

·       Consistent

It goes with eye contact and can be many things including:

·       A pat on the back

·       A gentle poke

·       Tousle of the hair

·       Rub on the shoulder

·       A light touch on the arm back neck or shoulder, again, all in an appropriate manner.

Kids who experience consistent, appropriate touch are more likely to:

1.    Have good self-esteem

2.    Be well-liked by others

3.    Have an easy time communicating

Young boys especially need it, as do girls growing up into their teens.
The father-daughter connection is vital, because if we fathers are not touching our daughters properly, there are plenty of volunteers to touch them inappropriately…

We dads need to be huggers and to get physical with our kids.
If you are a self proclaimed non-physical “non-hugger”, change!

Learn to be appropriately physical and learn the ability to show attention and affection
through physical touch.

 If you don’t pay attention to them, someone else will…probably not someone you would want.

It’s vital that we are intentional about showing our unconditional love through focused attention, positive eye contact, and appropriate touch. These three things can revolutionize and transform our relationships not only with our children, but with all those in our lives.

 

Eye contact means: “Looking directly into the eyes of another person.”

In our culture, it’s hard to have a conversation with someone who cannot hold eye contact.
It is a main source of emotional nurturing and is a continuous life-giving habit to our kids, if we will use it.

Eye contact is a close cousin to appropriate touch.  The two used together are a powerful means to connect with your children.

The results and benefits are:

·       Confidence

·       We tend to like people who look at us while we communicate

·       Eye contact adds meaning to conversation, as the eyes are the “windows to the soul”

One warning…

Never use eye contact or the lack thereof to make strong points, or when angry, irritated, annoyed, or frustrated, any of which are all part of being a parent.
The point is this-exclusive use of eye contact in anger is destructive, as is withholding eye contact.
Withholding eye contact is cruel and more damaging than corporal punishment and if you play that game, you and your children will lose.

If you, as a grown man, withhold eye contact as a form of punishment to anyone in your life, you may want to take a look at why and consider a change.

We do need to learn to confront in love, while maintaining positive eye contact.  When we need to have courageous conversations with our kids, we need to use eye contact as a life-giving source of affirmation, not as a means to tear down, belittle, withhold love, or demean.

We can and should use positive, affirming eye contact with all those around us on a regular, intentional, and habitual basis.

 

Focused attention is giving a person your full, undivided attention.

It is the most demanding of the three actions as it takes time, energy, and giving up other activities in order for us to give our focused attention to the people we love.

According to a 1996 Gallup Poll, the average father spends less than sixty minutes a day in some contact with his kids. What’s up with that?

How much time do you spend? Honestly?
We need to be able to give up the “tyranny of the urgent” and live in what Stephen Covey calls “quadrant number #4”, where we intentionally do things that are the most productive.
This should include giving our children our focused attention as fathers.

The benefit is your child feels completely loved and valued.
They feel they’re the most important person in the world.
Kids do their best with focused attention as part of their lives.
It shows in their behavior, performance, attitude, and motivation.

Focused attention must be a daily occurrence and we as dads need to make times to make that happen daily.

This requires being intentional. It might well require things like putting down the newspaper you were reading, in order to look at the bug your daughter caught.  It might mean staying up late, when you’d rather be in bed, to listen to your teen son pour out his frustrations of the day. It might mean giving up an evening out so you can read bedtime stories to your kids. It is a sacrifice of time and energies that pays big dividends.

Focused attention becomes paramount in priority…
It comes before everything else you do with or two your child, including

·       Training

·       Guiding

·       Teaching

·       Correcting

It is the key to unlocking the door to being a great dad.
It should always be natural, comfortable, appropriate, and unhurried.
It will result in a child who…

1.    Is comfortable with themselves and others

2.    Is well-liked

3.    Has a full “emotional tank”

4.    Has good self-esteem

5.    Is easier to communicate with

Are you giving your child emotional support through focused attention today?

Appropriate touch, positive eye contact, focused attention.

These are the languages of love when it comes to raising well-adjusted, healthy kids.
We fathers need to make these a daily occurrence. Did you know that, according to a recent poll, the average duration of contact between fathers and children is under two minutes daily? If we only spend two minutes a day with our children, how can we possibly convey our love through our actions?

We need to leverage these languages of love- to begin to not only speak them, but to be fluent in all three.   Which language does your child respond to best? Are you speaking that language to your children today?

If not, why not?

If not now, when?

If not you, who?

Secret #2-Respect Your Children

 

Respect is defined as “To care, esteem, regard, venerate, honor, or to revere.”
Respect is at the core of how all individuals would like to be treated and spoken to.
As fathers, we show it in our conversation, tone, actions, and kindness to our children.

We need not talk down to them as a smaller person who is weaker, vulnerable, or less valuable.
Our children need to know they are accepted and acceptable, just as they are.
They must know they are respected and honored by how they are treated in our:

·       Actions

·       Attitudes

·       Words

·       Our non-verbal behaviors/signals

Here’s the test… would you speak to or treat a peer in the same manner you do your kids?
Do you:

1.    Talk down to them?

2.    Berate them?

3.    Raise your voice or yell at them?

4.    Display disgust in your tone or body language?

5.    Show inappropriate anger and frustration and annoyance?

So if you would not treat another adult in this like manner, why would you address your kids, whom you love as much or more, with such disrespect and dishonor?
It seems that many parents think its okay to not treat their kids with love and respect and to address them in an inappropriate and dishonoring fashion.

That’s not to say that when correcting or having courageous conversations with our kids, we can’t show frustration, appropriate anger, or annoyance at their immaturity or misbehavior. Rather, it’s doing so in a manner that still protects the child’s dignity. It’s The Golden Rule—treat others as you would be treated.

Does your child really feel accepted and acceptable?
Respected and honored?
How would your kids respond differently to you if you consistently addressed them with appropriate respect and honor?
Begin to show respect in your conversation, actions, tone, and body language, and you will see a transformation, both in yourself and your children!

If not you, who?

If not now, when?

 

 

Secret #3-Time = Love.

Some fathers spend more time with their kids in one day than some do in one week, or even one month!!

What’s the difference?

Intentionality.

Time spent with your child shows your love by action.
We need both quality and quantity time with our kids.
We need to include them in our world, and include ourselves in their world.

Here are some examples of what I do with my kids. These are areas where we’ve found common ground to play together:

1.    Hot-tubbing

2.    Trampoline jumping

3.    Swinging

4.    Basketball

5.    Playing Legos and Matchbox cars

6.    Playing board games

7.    Doing crafts

You get the picture find common ground and leverage the time with your kids.
You must be intentional and methodical and sequential if you are to be successful in this endeavor of spending quality time with your kids. This means:

1.    Date your kids…Go to Starbucks, the bakery or bagel store, McDonald’s, ice cream parlor, or whatever.

2.    Put them in your day timer or in Outlook.

3.    Schedule them as you would your most precious appointment… because that’s what they are.

Have daily and weekly scheduled routines together, including:

·       Meal times… the best place to teach your kids your values, heritage, and spiritual foundation.

·       Bedtimes… a key point in showing love, closing the day gently, and praying together.

·       Weekly rituals… Friday night pizza, movie night, the family night etc

·       Running errands… always bring a kid with you on car rides. Again, leverage the time.

·       Chores and projects… build relationships and teach a good work ethic, all in one package!

Let’s address the “I don’t have time” excuse.
Everyone has time, no exceptions.

We give time to what we value the most….
Create time today that you would normally spend on TV, the Internet, sports, hobbies, boating, hunting golfing, or just being lazy.

Begin to incrementally give it to your children!

Just hang out with your family and kids because you want to and get to.

Not because you HAVE TO…
It is a clear and solid choice of attitude and motivation.

We GET to hang out with our kids.  We are blessed and privileged!

How could you be more intentional and incremental in dating your kids?

Dream it, plan it, write it, and do it!

Follow through.

If not you, who?

If not now, when?

 

 

Secret #4-Study Your Children

 

As a father, it’s critical that you know and understand your kids. Your effective fathering depends on seeing your child as an individual, separate from you, with strengths, weaknesses, preferences, ideas, and goals that are all his or her own. When you clearly grasp who your child is as an individual, you can then work to encourage him to utilize his strengths to achieve his goals. You can support her in her interests. You can enjoy your child as a unique person.

 

Study your children to see in what areas they excel. Are they particularly good at negotiation? At sports or other physical endeavors? Do they communicate especially well through the spoken or written word? Are they deeply compassionate, caring, and careful of the feelings of others?

 

Identify their strengths and point them out to your kids. Kids like to see their strong points noted and appreciated as much as we adults do! Also, pointing out your child’s strengths to him helps him to further utilize and develop those strengths.

 

As important as identifying your children’s strengths is being able and willing to identify their faults and weaknesses and begin to address them.

Having the courage to take a hard look at your child’s personal failures and weaknesses will enable you to begin to come behind them and support them.

This exercise, when done in love, can open the door for your fatherly coaching, encouragement, and training. Choose your timing; it is easier to hear and acknowledge a fault or weakness if it is pointed out in a setting of support and love. Make sure your kid knows that you’re bringing the topic up only because you want the best for him, because you want to help him grow and mature, not because you want to belittle or demean him.

 

Of course, we will see our kids act out their weaknesses when they misbehave. Before you begin to dole out punishment for the misbehavior, though, it makes sense to try to understand the reasons behind the behavior.

For example, kids act out when they’re hungry, tired, sick, emotionally needy, or even need to poop. The key then becomes your ability to study and analyze the whole picture behind how your child is acting.

Can you see through their eyes and identify with empathy why they’re acting as they are?

This requires more than operating on a preconceived notion, your own knee-jerk emotional reaction, or a swift observation of the situation.

You must be willing to take the time and use the resources to get to know your kid. What is bothering, challenging, or troubling them?  Is it physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, social, or something else you haven’t thought of?  A quick and cursory look will not reveal what you must figure out to know your kids in order to support them.

How can we possibly give support, help, or guidance without knowing the root causes of the problems and issues our kids face?

It’s up to us as fathers to be keen observers of our kids, and to study their strengths and their weaknesses that we may support them. Neglect and apathy is your number one enemy here.

Do you study your kids and know their strengths?

Do you know their weaknesses?

Are you currently resourcing their strengths and training and coaching their weaknesses?

Where your child’s three main strengths?

What are your child’s three main weaknesses?

If not you, then who will do this?

If not now, when?

 

Secret #5-Have a Strong Marriage

 

The marriage institution is in trouble according to multiple studies in the U.S., with a 55% failure rate.

What will you do in actionable terms to have a solid marriage?  Can you apply yourself and your resources strategically and work toward the end of having a solid, grounded, balanced, and alive marriage with your wife?

A good marriage sets the stage for good fathering. Your kids need security in the world, in their home, and in their lives.

A good marriage provides a sense of peace, order, and love within the home. It provides the foundation for all good fathering practices to take place.

We must model being a good husband for our kids, as they will take our model and become like us as they grow older.

I’m becoming my dad and I didn’t plan on it! We learn and catch many things from our own dads.

We must date our wives.  We need to make time to communicate, to be together, to talk, to pray, to be alone, and to have fun in order to model a positive husband role to our kids

Communication is the key, and the venue frankly doesn’t matter.

We like going to Costco on dates!  We pick up the week’s groceries, and also a slice of pizza and salad to enjoy in the car by the Bay. Think of your own venue and what you like to do best.

Moreover, think of what your wife likes to do best. Does she like to:

·       Go on walks?

·       Go to Starbucks?

·       Sit and talk over a dinner out?

·       Go on a car drive or a bike ride?

·       Go shopping?

The point is, figure it out and go do it with her!

This weekly dating of your wife will pay off big dividends in a healthy marriage, family and society.

Is your wife on your agenda?

What’s the condition of your marriage right now?

How’s your communication with your wife?

If not you, who?

If not now, when?

Secret #6-Find Fathering Mentors/Coaches

 

What’s the job of a coach?

The job of the coach is to help people accomplish what they want to do, but will not do well or even do at all, without coaching.

 The job of a coach is also to see what gifts and abilities others cannot see in those they coach.

A coach is a leader. Coaches get people to do things they never thought of, think they cannot do, or maybe do not want to do.

Your own fathering “coach persona” drives the action in your Fathering Plan.

 Your “coach persona” may listen to excuses, but will not let excuses stop you from winning at the game of fathering. The decision and responsibility is yours alone.  You are accountable.

So what is your “next best”?   How you get there?

Who can and will help you be a better father? Can you find and follow a few good examples and role models of fathers that were no better than you, but maybe just a little more experienced?

Can you then spend time with those mentors, go deep, learn and then emulate what they do to strengthen your commitment as a quality dad?

Can you seek out sources of support through a different strategy?  What about:

·       Books or tapes, CDs and DVDs

·       Introspection, writing, and journaling

·       Fathers who’ve been there before, solved it, and have the scars to prove it

·       Internet articles, magazines, radio shows, and podcasts

It is all out there for the taking. We simply must be intentional.

This commitment to focus on the right direction and getting wise counsel on fathering leads to better follow-through in learning the dynamics of building relationships with our kids.

The corollary to this principle is that we must jettison people, influences, activities, and friends who detract from our successful Fathering Plan.

They must not be allowed to obscure our mission goals or strategies to be better fathers.

You and I must get rid of poor influences and “friends” that are cross currents with good fathering. These could be otherwise good, fun, and normal relationships. The issue here is the usurping of time and energies, which should be devoted first to family and specifically toward your children.

Will you seek out resources, including father mentors, with whom you will develop a relationship, from whom you will learn?

Are you accountable to anyone with your Father Plan? Is there anyone with whom you have a trusting relationship who can help keep you on track?

What will you do to get resourced?

If not you, who?

If not now, when?

 

 

Secret #7-Be a Man/Leader

Leadership means many things to many people. I think it means being proactive, being the first, and:

·       Taking the initiative

·       Setting the standard

·       Managing effectively

·       Planning often and well

·       Resourcing whenever possible

·       Identifying the vision, goals, and priorities

·       Setting the example, always

A good leader takes responsibility and says; “The buck stops here!” when something is not right.

Leaders show the way and model through active example what they’re trying to express and accomplish.

They press on and press in, and they run counter to the culture of convenience and quick fixes. They refuse to get sidetracked by the “bright and shiny objects”, the diversions, and side-eddies of our culture.

They strain and strive with intentionality and energy to build relationships and create a legacy, a heritage, and a family.  They do much of this by simply taking the initiative, being intentional and planning by writing and accomplishing compelling goals that are relationship-based.

 

Dad, you are the key, you are the man. Now be one.

You must be intimately in touch with your mission, goals, and objectives as a family man, husband, and father.

This requires discipline, selflessness, living your priorities, and time management.

You must leverage the hours of your day and to intentional in everything you do.

Time is the only resource you’re guaranteed to have.

The key here is to write down what you want… dream it, plan it, and do it.

The questions are…

1.    Who are you?

2.    What do you want?

3.    Why are you here?

4.    What is not working, that you would like to see work?

5.    What is happening now, that should like to see vanish?

The answer to these questions will determine your “ brand” as a father and as a leader.

What “brand” are you now?

What” brand” do you want to be?

 Here are some thoughts on leaving a legacy and heritage:

What will they say when you’re gone?

A good father transfers the following attributes and character qualities to his children…

·       Love for God (as you understand Him) and people

·       Values

·       Ethics/ knowledge

·       Wisdom and understanding

·       Love and compassion and kindness

·       Positive  attitude and motivation

Great fathering requires us as dads to raise children in the way they would be best served.

They are individuals, not part of a cookie-cutter machine.

Therefore, we need to work with our kids on their level, meeting their needs, resourcing, respecting, and fostering the individuality of each child.

We must study to know them and then resource their gifts, attributes, and skills. No two children are alike.

This all requires patience on our part to work on their level, one or two things at a time.

 Slowly, with a patient father’s heart.

Who is leading your family?

Who is leading your children?

If not you, who?

If not now, when?

Good Dad, Bad Dad-7 Secrets of Effective Fathers…Conclusion

As fathers, we have a choice.

It’s a choice regarding investment- not necessarily of money, stocks, and bonds, but of time and what I call life units. What could be more important than your family?

It’s your choice; you’re free to decide how you will invest your life units.

Will it be for experiences?

·         Possessions?

·          Status? 

·          Fame?

·          Pleasure?

Or, perhaps you could invest your life units in your family, your kids, in leaving a legacy, a heritage, and a quality-of-life inheritance for your loved ones.

You won’t be perfect, but you can be intentional, sequential, methodical, and directional in this vital goal. If you are, you have no choice but to succeed!

However, you might need help along the way.  The question is, are you willing to ask?

Some of the resources you might need to be humble enough to ask for will be…

1.    Support from your wife

2.    Fathers(or other family members) and mentors

3.    Support from your kids

4.    Educational resources, such as books, CDs, tapes, DVDs, and the Web

5.    Goal-setting tools and techniques

6.    A Father Plan for accountability with others whom you trust and love

How much do you care?

How important is your family to you?

How invested are you in your kids?

Be honest with yourself and others.

Are you willing to do the work?  Pay the price?  Take the steps?

It’s truly up to you to become the architect of your own Father Plan. In this effort, none of us can afford to be self-deceived, haphazard, or halfhearted when it comes to deciding and acting on the Plan.

So ask yourself the following questions again and again…

1.    Who am I?

2.    What do I want?

3.    Why am I here?

4.    What’s not happening now that I would like to see happen?

5.    What’s happening now that I would like to see stop?

What will it be, dad?

When is it gonna be?

 Make a decision, do something!

Fathers, you are the architects, and you’ve got to become comfortable enough to lead and to put together your “Father Plan”.

You’ve got to start somewhere, so how ‘bout this?

Think about the saying: “A goal is a dream with a deadline.”

1.    Dream, plan, write, and share two or three goals that you have as a father

2.    Post your goals in a prominent place and review them on a regular basis

3.    Be accountable to yourself and someone else to accomplish the goals.

4.    When you fail and fall short (which you will; we all do)… move on, press forward. and start back up where you left off.  Have forgiveness and grace on yourself, your kids, your spouse, and others.

The key here is attitude. You don’t HAVE to do these things. But, you GET to do these things.

Your motivation and attitude is everything so decide now in the seat of your will that this is a priority to you, and you will succeed at it!

When will you get started on your Father Plan?

How will it look when you schedule your kids into your life and keep your appointments with them?

What will it take for you to be the initiator and leader with the plan and in your family?

If not you, who?

If not now, when?

How about you…. and how about right now.

 

Good Dad Bad Dad…Bio

Scott Hammond is a professional speaker, trainer, writer, and father of 9 kids. He lives in McKinleyville (Humboldt County), California, with his wonderful wife, Joni. Scott can be contacted at scott@BecomeaBetterFather.com or 707-616-7665.