Secret #6, Fathering Mentors/Coaches

What’s the job of a coach?

The job of the coach is to make people do what they want to do, but will not do well, or perhaps even at all, without coaching.

A coach is a leader… he gets people to do things they never thought of, they think they cannot do, or do not want to do.

Your coach persona drives the action in your fathering game plan. Your coach persona may listen to excuses, but do not let excuses stop you from winning at the game of fathering…

So what is your next best?… how we get there?

Who can and will help you be a better father? Can you find and follow a few good examples and role models of fathers that were no better than you, but just a little more experienced?

Can you then spend time with those mentors and go deep and learn and emulate what they do to strengthen your commitment as a quality dad?

Can you seek out sources through a different strategy…

• books or tapes, CDs and DVDs
• introspection and journaling
• fathers who been there before, solved it before, and have the scars to prove it
• internet articles, magazines, radio shows and podcasts…

It is all out there for the taking. We simply need to be in intentional. This commitment to focus on the right direction, and getting wise counsel on fathering will lead to better follow-through in learning the dynamics of building relationships with our kids…

The corollary to this principle is we must jettison people and influences and friends who detract from our fathering plan.

They must not be allowed to obscure our mission goals or strategies to be better fathers.

You and I must get rid of poor influences and “friends” that are cross currents with good fathering… these could be otherwise good fun and normal relationships… the issue here is the usurping of time and energies, which should be devoted first to family and specifically toward children…

Will you seek out resources, including father mentors, with whom you will develop a relationship, from whom you will learn?

Are you accountable to anyone with your father action plan?

What will you do to get resourced?

If not you who?

If not now, when?

Secret #5, Have A Great Marriage

The marriage institution is in trouble with a 55% failure rate across the board…

What will you do in actionable terms to have a solid marriage? Can you apply yourself and your resources strategically and work toward the end of having a solid, grounded, balanced, and alive marriage with your wife?

A good marriage sets the stage for good fathering. Your kids need security in the world, in their home, and in their lives.

A good marriage provides a sense of peace, order, and love within the home. It provides the foundation for all good fathering practices to take place.

We must model being a good husband for our kids, as they will take our model and become like us as they grow older…

I think I’m becoming my dad and I didn’t plan on it…

We must date our wives, make time to communicate, to be together, to talk, to pray, to be alone, to have fun.

Communication is the key, and the venue frankly doesn’t matter. We like going to Costco on dates! We pick up the week’s groceries, and also a slice of pizza and salad to enjoy in the car by the Bay… think of your own venue and what you like to do best.

Moreover, think of what your wife likes to do best… does she like to…

• go on walks
• go to Starbucks
• sit and talk
• walk the mall
• exercise or something else….

The point is, figure out and go do it with her! This weekly and daily dating your wife will pay off big dividends in a healthy marriage, family and society.

Is your wife on your agenda?

What’s the condition of your marriage right now?

How’s your communication with your wife?

If not you, who?

If not now, when?

Secret #4 Study your children

As important as identifying your children’s strengths is being able and willing to identify their faults and weaknesses.

Having the courage to take a hard look at your child’s personal failures and weaknesses will enable you to begin to come behind them and support them.

This exercise, when done in love, can open the door for your fatherly coaching,encouragement, and training.

Another key to this is understanding the child behind the behavior.

For example, kids act out when they’re hungry, tired, sick, emotionally needy, or even need to poop. The key then becomes your ability to study and analyze the whole picture behind how your child is acting.

Can you see through their eyes and identify with empathy and understand why they’re acting as they are?

You must get understanding based on facts, not on…

1. perception
2. emotion
3. a quick look
4. a fast observation….

You must be willing to take the time and use the resources to get to know your kid. What is bothering, challenging, or troubling them? Is it physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, social, or something else you haven’t thought of? A quick and cursory look will not reveal what you must figure out to know your kids in order to support them…

How can we possibly give support, help, or guidance without knowing the root causes of the problems and issues our kids face?

It’s up to us as fathers to be keen observers of our kids, and to study their strengths and their weaknesses that we may support them….neglect and apathy is your number one enemy here.

Do you study your kids and know their gifts?

Do you know their weaknesses?

Are you currently resourcing their strengths and training and coaching their weaknesses?

Where your child’s three main strengths?

What are your child’s three main weaknesses?

Secret#3. Time = Love.

Some fathers spend more time with their kids in one day, and some debts due in one week, or even one month!!

Why?…The difference?

Intentionality.

Time spent with your child shows your love by action.
We need both quality and quantity time with our kids.
We need to include them in our world, and include ourselves in their world.

Here’s some examples of what I do with my kids.

These are areas where we’ve found common ground to play together…

1. hot tubbing
2. trampoline
3. on the swing
4. basketball
5. playing Legos
6. playing boardgames
7. doing crafts…

You get the picture… find common ground and leverage the time with your kids.
You must be intentional and methodical and sequential if you are to be successful in this endeavor of spending quality time with your kids…

This means…

1. date your kids…Go to Starbucks, bagels, McDonald’s, ice cream or whatever
2. put them in your day timer or in Outlook
3. schedule them, as you would your most precious appointment… because that’s what these are.

have daily and weekly schedule routines together, including…

• Meal times… the best place to teach your kids your values, heritage, and spiritual foundation.
• Bedtimes… a key point in showing love, closing the day correctly, and praying together
• Weekly rituals… Friday night pizza, movie night, the family night etc….
• Running errands… always bring a kid with you on car rides… again leverage the time.
• Chores and projects… build relationships and teach a good work ethic… All in one package!

Let’s address the “I don’t have time” excuse.
Everyone has time, no exceptions.
We give time to what we value the most.
Create time today that you would normally spent on TV, the Internet, sports, hobbies, boating, hunting golfing, or just being lazy….. begin to incrementally give it to your children!

Just hang out with your family and kids because you want to and get to.

Not because you HAVE TO…
Make a solid choice of attitude and motivation.
We GET to hang out with our kids.. we are blessed and privileged!
How could you be more intentional and incremental in dating your kids?

Dream it, plan it, write it, and do it!

Follow through…

If not you, who?
If not now, when?

Secret#2. Unconditional Love:Respect

Respect is defined as… to care, esteem, regard, venerate,revere, honor or reverence.
It is at the core of how all individuals would like to be treated and spoken to.
As fathers when you to show it, in our conversation, tone, actions and kindness to her children.

We need not talk down to them as a smaller person, who is weaker, vulnerable, or less valuable.
Our children need to know they are accepted and acceptable.
They must know they are respected and honored by how they are treated in our…

• actions

• attitudes

• words

• and our non-verbals…

Here’s the test… would you speak to or treat another peer or adult in the same manner you do your kids?
Do you..?

1. talk down to them?
2. berate them
3. raise your voice or yell at them
4. display poor attitude in your tone or non-verbals?
5. show inappropriate anger and frustration and annoyance with your kids?

So if you would not treat another adult like manner, why would you address your kids whom you love as much or more with such disrespect and dishonor?
It seems to me that many parents think it’s okay to not treat your kids with love and respect and address them in inappropriate and dishonoring fashion as individuals.
That’s not to say that when correcting or having courageous conversations with our kids. We can’t show frustration, appropriate anger or annoyance at their immaturity or misbehavior.

Does your child really fill accepted and acceptable?
Respected and honored?
How would your kids respond differently to you, if you consistently address them with appropriate respect and honor?
Begin to show in your your conversation, kindness, actions and tone as well as your non-verbals and you will see a transformation, both in yourself and your children!

Secret #2, Unconditional Love/Appropriate Touch

Touch is the most obvious way to show affection.
It is defined by any type of appropriate, natural, physical contact.
It’s not just hugs and kisses.

Appropriate touch should be:

• comfortable
• natural
• not showy or overdone
• consistent

It goes with eye contact and can be many things including:

• a pat
• a poke
• tousle of the hair
• rub on the shoulder
• or light touch on the arm back neck or shoulder… again all in an appropriate manner.

Kids who experience consistent, appropriate touch have …

1. good self-esteem
2. are well-liked by others
3. have an easy time communicating

Young boys especially need it, as do girls growing up into their teens.
The father-daughter connection is vital, because if we fathers are not touching our daughters properly,  there are plenty of volunteers to touch them inappropriately…

We dads need to be huggers and to get physical with our kids.
If you are a nonphysical non-hugger, get over it quickly.
This is a lame excuse that will impact your kids forever.
Learn to be appropriately physical and learn the ability to show attention
through physical touch. If you don’t pay attention to them, someone else will…

It’s vital that we are intentional about showing our unconditional love through focused attention, positive eye contact, and appropriate touch. These three things can revolutionize and transform our relationships.  Not only with our children, but with all those in our lives.

Secret #2. Unconditional Love/Eye Contact

Eye contact means this…
"looking directly into the eyes of another person"
It’s hard to have a conversation with someone who cannot hold eye contact.
It is the main source of emotional nurturing and is a continuous life-giving habit to our kids, if we will use it.

Eye contact is a close cousin to appropriate touch.  The two used together are a powerful means to connect with your children.

The results and benefits are…

• confidence
• we tend to like people who look at us while we communicate
• eye contact adds meaning to conversation, as the eyes are the "windows to the soul"

One warning…

Never use eye contact or the lack thereof exclusively to make strong points, or when angry, irritated annoyed, or frustrated… all part of being a parent.
The point is this…. exclusive use of eye contact in anger is destructive, as is withholding eye contact.
Withholding eye contact is cruel and more damaging than corporal punishment and if you play that game, you and your children will lose.

If you as a grown man withhold eye contact as a form of punishment to anyone in your life, you’ve got real issues and need to grow up and not be so self centered.

We do need to learn to confront in love, while maintaining positive eye contact.  When we need to have courageous conversations with our kids, we need to use eye contact as a life-giving source of affirmation, not as a means to tear down, belittle, or demean. We can and should use positive, affirming eye contact with all those around us on a regular, intentional, and habitual basis.

Secret #2. Unconditional Love-Focused Attention

Definition: focused attention is giving a person your full, undivided attention.
It is the most demanding of the three needs as it takes time, energy, and giving up other activities in order for us to give our focused attention to the people we love.

The average father spends less than two minutes a day in contact with his kids.
This should not be.
We need to be able to give up the tyranny of the urgent and live in Stephen Covey’s “quadrant number four”, in which we do things that are the most productive.
This should include giving our children our focused attention as fathers…

Benefit: your child feels completely loved and valued.
They feel they’re the most important person in the world.
Kids do their best with focused attention as part of their lives.
It shows in their behavior, performance, attitude, and motivation.

Focused attention must be a daily occurrence, and we as dad’s need to make time to make that happen daily. This requires being intentional.
Focus attention becomes paramount in priority…
It comes before everything else… including….

• training
• guiding
• teaching
• example

It is the key to unlocking the door to being a great dad.
It should always be natural, comfortable, appropriate, and unhurried.
It will result in a child who…

1. is comfortable with themselves and others
2. is well-liked
3. has a full emotional tank
4. has good self-esteem
5. it’s easy to communicate with

Are you giving your child emotional support through focused attention today?
If not, why not?
If not now, when?

Secret #2. Unconditional Love/Introduction

Unconditional love…introduction

Action point: show your love by focused attention, eye contact, and appropriate touch.

Unconditional love is really letting your kids know they’re loved.

It’s saying, meaning, and living “I am truly on your side no matter what”…I am for you…. I am unconditionally on your side, always”.

Three action points to express unconditional love are…

• focused attention
• eye contact
• touch

These are the languages of love when it comes to raising well-adjusted, healthy kids.
We fathers need to make these a daily occurrence. Did you know that the average point of contact between fathers and children is under two minutes daily? This shouldn’t be!

We need to leverage these languages of love…and begin to not only speak them but to be fluent in all three… which language does your child respond to best?
Do you know? If not, why not? Are you speaking that language to your children today? If not now, when?

The Don’t List….

The following are all the the don’ts of speaking…… don’t do these…..

• Rapid talking….. and audience tires of the strain. Time is of the essence. Allow your audience to think on your statements and let the words sink in Very your room speaking rate. Pause here and there… it allows the audience time to catch up in you to do the same.

• Poor Annunciation…. don’t mumble. or swallow your words This can be caused by rapid talking, or perhaps you’re not opening your mouth when you talk… articulate. Your words.

• Lack of transitions…. remember a short phrase or statement that connects to different ideas is vital to your speaking sequence. The linear. These sequential incremental and methodical. In music, this is known as modulation….. moving from one key or tune to another with ease and harmony.

• Weak ending… go out with a bang. And you’re speechless something meaningful or big or profound. Never thank an audience at the end of a presentation. they should be the ones who think you.

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